DUMB SHIT People say

Oh I had the audacity to let my hair go grey. You would not believe the number of people often complete strangers who approach me to tell me I would look much younger if I dyed my hair. The irony is I think they think I am much younger that I really am. Either way I don’t give a fig.

@LittleGreenDuck that’s just reminded me of about four hours after giving birth to the twins my FIL asked if I was sure there wasn’t a third one in there. I still get annoyed when I remember that one!

I did. The words 'dumb' and 'shit' are not American.

HTH

I suspect that the stigma is only or at least mainly with older adults but I am
totally prepared to believe otherwise. I know a large number of 20-somethings (my DCs, their friends, neighbours, staff at my former workplace) and they are all very accepting of anyone being neurodivergent - but it could
just be that I only know very enlightened young people.

I am late 50s so I also know a large number of people between about mid 40s and mid 70s and many or even most of them give mE a hard time. They make comments such as they can’t see any point in getting diagnosed so late in life, or the diagnoses
are probably wrong because they
have known me for x years and never seen any neurodivergent traits in me, or simply ask what is the point of getting a label. You are definitely correct in your point about if you know one ND person, you only know one .

I had a (now ex) close friend complain to me via whatsapp about something I did or said (can’t remember exactly what). I apologized and explained it was down to autism. She wrote back to me in capitals saying it definitely wasn’t autism because I hadn’t reacted like
that x years ago in the same situation. I had to explain to her that autistic behaviour is usually a response to the environment and
that I was overloaded and heading for burnout. Instead of apologizing, she wrote back to me something like I’d come
up with a clever excuse vey swiftly. I’m glad to say that shortly after that. she dumped me - she certainly saved me a job! IronicallyI would have expected her to be very understanding because she has a serious chronic illness with all sorts of invisible symptoms, plus she works in a clinical job and has patients who she treats (she is not a doctor or a nurse though).

Anyway thank you for commenting. I always like a debate about these matters

My dad's stepmum to me as an impressionable 10yr old:
Goodness you've put on weight!
Fortunately he went no contact with her soon after, for many reasons. She was a horrible woman.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of stigma. And it's due to a lot of pushing of generalising behaviour or assuming everyone is the same. They think they know one, they know us all.

Only got to see the behaviours that everyone attributes to being ND on here. It's absolutely outrageous to insinuate being ND= abusive but so many do. It really stings.

People talking about 'mum' ones made me think of a two that weren't aimed at me but was uncomfortable.

When my youngest started school there was an 'event' less than a month in and the parents (who none of us really knew each other yet) where all mingling, people making idol chat etc... One mother was heavily pregnant and people where asking about due date and about potential names etc... and then the conversation turn to baby names.

One dad then announced that he had heard the 'stupidest' baby name the other day (its not even an crazy name, not 'old school traditional name' but fairly tame and common high ranking nature name like Willow). Some other parents then joined in calling it 'unique' and 'modern' with a condescending tittle or talking about people 'just picking any word randomly from a dictionary' but most just went very quiet.

I wasn't really part of the 'chatting' group but we where all sat at the same large table. It went on and on for about 10 minute with them few not dropping it so I felt I had to lean over and said 'you do know you heard that name because it was read out on the class register on the first day, her parents are probably here'. The dad instantly went quiet and a few then started piping up with 'well I think its a lovely name' etc...

I don't know if 'Willows' parents heard but when your in a group with a bunch of complete strangers who you know have kids but you don't know anything else why would you slag off a name that could easily be any of their kids names?

Another one was also a dad on the standard school pick up who turned a polite big standard chat into him just ranting about 'non-British' children at the school and how it would 'steal' places from proper 'British' children. This was peak Ukrainian refugee time. Once again I and several in the playground didn't know him personally we where all just stood together at the pick up point waiting for our kids. He had no idea if any of us are 'British' or not (I am but still, take the racism elsewhere these are little kids just going to school). He seemed to get the message just by how everyone suddenly stopped chatting and there was just dead silence except his rant so he trailed off and went quiet and everyone stood in silence. I think he genuinely thought everyone else would join in and thankfully no one did.

Oh hearing of the stupid things people say when pregnant, when we announced I was pg with DC1 a distant relative of DH's looked me up and down and said 'Well, you've got your feet under the table properly now haven't you?'.

DH was so incensed that he refused to have anything to with her or go to her funeral some 15 years later from that point on.

As a teenager I had very bad acne. A friend of my gran's, on learning that I was about to visit a warm country, remarked "The weather might help your spots." I was mortified. My mum was constantly trying to reassure me that my skin didn't look too bad, but this proved to me that it did. I cried for the rest of that day.

Ugh, reminds me of shortly after I got engaged, and were discussing Christmas plans with my family. I was going to be at my in laws, and not with my parents on Christmas day. My mother responded: 'Oh that makes it so much easier as Jules (not real name!) will be there and the fact that her partner hasn't proposed yet is a real sore point. It would have been really difficult for her to have you there.'

I pulled her up on it at the time, and she couldn't see the problem.

The thing is, going to the GP and saying 'could my spots be a symptom of an underlying condition?' is unlikely to get you anywhere. I agree with your point, but it was 25 years after I got acne and endometriosis symptoms simultaneously, that I got my endometriosis diagnosis.

This. As if worrying was a choice. Same as people who say don't be upset.

@BatchCookBabe re the ginger thing, my Dh is ginger, well was ginger when he had all his hair. My sister is also very vibrant ginger. Many people commented on this while I was pregnant, not blatantly saying it but saying 'would you mind if you had a ginger baby?'

What people say is more about them than about you. Stop worrying . Stop overthinking it.

This has just unearthed an old memory that I had buried a bit. 😬

When DH and I had been married for 5 years, and were just past 30, we started 'trying for a baby' and I fell pregnant within 2-3 months. My mum never liked DH much (and the feeling was mutual.) He didn't tolerate her bullshit, and she didn't like it. She wasn't a bad mother but she was critical and judgy sometimes.

Anyway, when we told her I was pregnant, she shook her head and said 'oh no!'

DH and I were like I said 'oh no? We're having a baby, we're really excited.' She just sighed and hung her head, and walked off into the kitchen. My dad said 'good luck, you'll need it!' and laughed.

We left shortly after, and as I got into the car, I burst out crying. I said 'for fuck's sake, a little 'that's nice dear' would have done. I wasn't expecting fireworks and party poppers, or a red carpet to be laid out, but the reaction was shocking.

I am one of 7 cousins and was the 6th to have a child, so it wasn't exactly exciting for most of the extended family, but it was going to be their first grandchild.

tl;dr, I gave birth 6 months later, and then had another one less than 2 years later, and my mum (and dad) absolutely adored them. Couldn't do enough for them, and my mum actually said (when they were around 5-6) that they were lovely kids and I was a really good mum. For someone who very rarely complimented me, this was huge. I cried again, but happy tears this time. But yeah, she really upset me with her initial reaction.

.

Good grief! How could anyone be so stupid and ignorant as to think that is being nice?

Oh my god, that's unbelievably rude. I am aghast.

I think the only time this is acceptable if is the person is ND who does this.

It's their way of showing empathy, by trying to show of their understanding by giving a similar story. Not to outshine you of course.

It's very different when you get a one upper and they are elevenerife when you go to tenerife. Or they just aren't even taking time to listen or take in what you've said is awful too.

Fecking hell. In all three of these cases, it sounds like the women don't have a brain cell between them.

I have also heard the ginger comment. A woman I know said exactly the same thing... when she was pregnant (2022 I think it was.) I said 'do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?' when she was 6 months gone. And SHE said 'I don't care, as long as it's not a fucking ginge!'

What the fuck?

Ginger hair is awesome. My niece has a DH who has a ginger haired mum, although he is blonde. She is planning on 'trying for a baby' next year, and is praying the baby will have ginger hair. There's a 25-30% chance or something. (His brother has ginger hair.)

A good friend describing someone exhibiting what she thought was peculiar behaviour. Conversation went like this:

GF. ‘They do that, don’t they?’
Me. ‘Who?.’
GF. ‘Autistics.’
Me. ‘I’m autistic.’
GF. ‘You’re not autistic. You’re not odd.’

Professional diagnosis completely wasted then. 🤷‍♀️

I was working as a support worker for the homeless. One of the regulars called me over to him. He said 'have you heard of that operation they do in America?'

I was confused, 'no Steven, what operation?'

Steven 'they can cut all the fat from there' pointing at my stomach, 'you'd be ever so pretty if you had that'

He thought he was being nice which made it worse than a blatant insult. I cried when I got home 😂

I have two boys. I was delighted when I found out my second was another boy as I thought having two the same would be great. I would have been happy with whatever I had but I am stopping at two and genuinely feel I am not missing out on anything by not having a daughter nor do I feel any sadness about it.

Despite me being quite vocal how happy I was when I found out the gender, you wouldn't believe some of the comments I got. People telling me or asking me if I'd try for a third to have a girl while pregnant with my second! Even after I gave birth a doctor told me I could come back and "have my girl".

Why do people say these things to people? I didn't feel anything but grateful to have 2 boys. And it's not like a scratch card where you get two boys and one girl!

Ivermectin is how I maintain mine but originally I had various creams and antibiotics to get it under control

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can't get over the stupidity of this woman's remark. Even with adoption, it's not possible to give every child an older sibling. One child will always be the eldest!

I think she was probably being catty on purpose, but didn't think it through and just made an arse of herself. So, the fact that she never spoke to you again is surely a good thing.

I got this a lot from a well meaning friend not long after I gave birth. 'Oh you look so tired, you look absolutely shell shocked.'
Well yes I was (and still am) very tired, but also, this is just what my face looks like.