DUMB SHIT People say

A new work colleague once asked me if I had children and how old were they. I said I had two DD four years apart. 'What happened to the one in between?' he asked, I suppose as a joke seeing as two years is a common age gap. As it happened, the 'one in between' had been stillborn but I didn't tell him that. Even now, 40 years later, I think what a stupid question it was.

I hate that. When I didn't have kids, people would always assume I did and then be completely taken aback when I said I didn't. One said, 'oh you look like the type of person to have kids' What on earth...?! They didn't know anything about me at all. I can't imagine being that insensitive. I have never had the need to find out if anyone has children or not (or even a partner).

My best friend to me after i told her i was at rock bottom and feeling suicidal:

”I’d be devastated if you decided you couldn’t carry on anymore but I wouldn’t blame you.
Your life has been pretty shit the last few years and nothing ever seems to go right for you, I can understand why you’ve had enough”

I couldn’t stop thinking about it wondering if I was unreasonable to be hurt as she seemed certain she was being supportive.

I am in group and 1-1 therapy and when I shared this everyone that I told was horrified and some people in group said that might have pushed them over the edge.

Same friend has also made comments of:

”I had £2000 in my loose change jars when I counted last week, it’s taken 3 months to fill them”
(This was after I bought a piggy bank online and was thrilled I’d saved £270 in 8 months)

”£150,000 a year isn’t much money at all to live off these days”

”Your house is going to get damp if you don’t keep the heating on overnight”

“I was feeling low myself but I think having 5 holidays this year has helped”.

“It’s lucky you don’t have any kids to worry about when you are feeling so depressed”

I would be less resentful if she worked hard for the money and holidays but she never has and gets benefits for herself and her kids, her ex husband pays £2000 a month “child benefit” (isn’t counted when benefits are awarded) and pays for multiple holidays as he’s very wealthy and she kept the 5 bedroom family home that is mortgage free after they divorced.

I’m constantly struggling for money and the message about the £2000 in loose change and the heating was after a conversation where I mentioned I was struggling to choose between buying food or putting the heating on - who keeps it on all night anyway?!
I can’t have children so the comment about not having kids was especially thoughtless.

I have distanced myself and put it down to her having ASD and not realising she’s being hurtful. I was feeling bitter comparing our situations so it doesn’t matter if her comments were intended to hurt or not I think it’s for the best to step back for now.

I found the comments on this thread interesting about female friendships and how some people use their friends to make themselves feel better and it really resonated and made me feel a bit better knowing it’s not just me.
I’m glad I found this thread as it’s given me a chance to vent but I also will look at my friendships a bit closer, thank you OP!

You win!

When I was pregnant and throwing up every morning, my FIL told me that you didn't have to have morning sickness when you were pregnant. (MIL hadn't had it so he just seemed to assume that lots of pregnant women CHOSE to be sick.)

People say a lot of shit, never more so when you have a baby in tow - people ie, old ladies, used to comment freely in my two - they’re 20 months apart and i got asked if they were twins (!!), is their dad good looking, why hasn’t she got socks on (prob kicked them off!). All sorts of nonsense.

Re your acne - my now adult DS has been on roaccutane for 6 months (was about a year wait for dermatology and he dithered for a long time about it), but it’s like a miracle. He does have a history of MH issues but the dermatologist consulted his MH tem and they agreed he could go in it. They do monitor you very closely. Nothing else worked for him and we tried all the antibiotics, washes, creams etc (was mainly in his back/chest and a bit in his face).

Not the worse insult I've ever had, but a friend recently told me I looked tired after I'd made a huge effort when we were going for a night out. I'd just had a new hair cut and highlights, my make up was perfectly applied and I'd bought a whole new outfit.

Not a compliment to say you look better when we can't see your real face.

Oh, my DD has had that. Worst one was DHs grandmother saying to me Are you sure the doctor said autistic? She looks the same as always.
Well yeah, her appearance hasn't changed just because she's been diagnosed.

Ex colleague - did you have kids with your ex husband? I said no as we had trouble conceiving and she said oh well its too late now. I was 30 and now have 2 with current dh.

Random in the supermarket - cheer up it might never happen. The day I was told my gran was dying.

My darling mother who knows I suffer from ED and stress related alopecia:

Oh grand youre losing your hair why is that?

I have trousers that'll fit you because you have a bigger arse than me.

I’ve noticed that the most common usage of the term ‘sheep’ to describe people seems to originate from consuming social media posts about people with specific political views. It’s quite ironic and at times, seemingly self-descriptive.

When I was a student nurse, I once went to my hospital placement makeup free (I was probably running late) and being 17/18years old, didn't think much of it. My supervisor from Uni came to see me and told me I looked terrible and sent me home sick! I didn't mind at all (free day off sure!) but how insulting. LOL.

People are so rude.

Someone asked me if I was pregnant, when I said no she carried on talking about it, asking why is your belly so big, it looks like you are pregnant, do you just have a round belly. This was after I’d lost 4 stone, was never asked that before weight loss.

Myself and my husband had been trying to conceive for years, we then did multiple rounds of ivf and none worked. I was then diagnosed with bowel cancer and had surgery to remove it, however during the operation the surgeon found that the cancer had spread to my ovaries and uterus. When I woke up in ICU the surgeon very sensitively told me that he’d had to perform a full hysterectomy as well as the bowel resection and so not only was I waking up with a stoma but I would now go through the surgical menopause at the age of 29 and would never be able to become pregnant. Once he left the room the nurse told me ‘everything happens for a reason’ 🙃

No. Sister. It was said with genuine sincerity, (which just made it worse 😂). I truly believe she thought she would make me feel better. She can be absolutely clueless!! It cut deep. And I've never forgotten it. But I don't believe she said it with malice. Just stupidity.

Women often project their own insecurities onto their friends. It's awful. You just have to keep looking for better friends. For some it's a never ending quest...like the search for the holy grail. The only comfort I can give is that the older you get the less shite you'll be willing to tolerate from people in general...and that includes friends. If they don't have anything positive to offer you, you'll kick them to the kerb. Because life truly is too damn short.

💐😘

I don't know what is wrong with people who hear about loved pets then talk about them dying.

I have a house rabbit. If pets come up in conversation I often hear either; a stupid comment about eating rabbits or people feel compelled to tell me about their childhood pet rabbit who died in an awful way.

Oh, I'm sorry, that does sound exhausting! And not fun at all. People obsessed with money and status are so tiresome.

My little friend group are more likely to talk about how we never get enough done, and then reassure each other that we're all doing our best and it doesn't matter if we let the little things slide 🙈 People always suggest to seek out friendships at hobbies, and I do find that works out quite well.

Are you actually for real? Talk about kicking simeone when they are already down! What the hell is wrong with you?

DM told me a relative is considering retiring early. I said I'd love to as well. DM went on about how we'd all get bored, people are going back to work because they're bored, what would we do with our time. She was quite certain we'd all shrivel up not going to work every day.

The dumb part is she 'retired' at 26 - 50 years ago, when she got married & refused to wor again, even when times were tough. Did very little parenting, housework, etc. and has led a life of leisure with hobbies, socialising, shopping etc.

Even dumber is she complains they have no money & it's all DF's fault.....

To be fair, most women I know are friendly, supportive, and safe - yes, some women can be verbally nasty or try to put others down to feel better about their own insecurities, but competitiveness isn't really something I've encountered outside of high school, and for the most part, they're a darn sight better than men!

I have a child with ARFID. It has been 7 years now and we are under a lot of help but EVERYONE has an opinion. Even people I really like and I know are well meaning. I never make a fuss, just nod and smile and say we have tried that etc. I know they are trying to help but the teeny tiniest little bit of self reflection would make them realise that their kind advice translates to "you are a shit mother who has clearly not even tried the basics to help your child in 7 years" to me. Especially helpful when I take annual leave to attend specialist appointments and explain this to my manager and colleagues and they still volunteer advice. I'm literally seeing an ED paediatrician, your recommendation of a tasty soup he would definitely be unable to resist may not be the coup de grace you think, Joanne! I do not say this of course, I know it is human nature. Just a little bit of trust that I may have looked into things in the 7 years it has completely and catastrophically ruled our lives.

Oh, and when I was young, a hot neighbour looking at me with what I thought was lust: "you have a big fat head to match a big fat body". This stuck with me because it wasn't delivered nastily, more of an observation like in a wildlife documentary! I ended up breaking his heart a few years later, though, so all's fair in love and war!

I have very obvious identical twins (down to their missing milk teeth, tooth gap between their front adult teeth and matching cheek dimples) it’s quite common how often we get asked if they’re identical. I also get asked if they’re natural (as opposed to IVF) from total strangers. The last time I was asked, (while doing my Asda big food shop) I replied “yep, conceived the good old fashioned way, on a very hot summers night”
The real kicker though, is the people that say “two? oh I couldn’t think of anything worse” I just smile and think ‘imagine being that rude’ some things should stay in your head.

Okay, another one.

When I was still working in the high school close to my hometown, I found myself teaching a distant cousin. (The school knew.) At the time, as I mentioned above, I was lead for Junior English at the school.

At New Year, the cousin's father - my relative - came to visit my parents. He turned to me out of the blue: "Let's face it, Weary - what guid did gettin a degree dae ye?"