One of my goals for the last year and a bit has been to be more assertive. It’s taken me a very long time to get to a place where I feel able to say what I feel and advocate for myself. DH doesn’t like it. He has rejection sensitivity dysphoria (he’s neurodiverse and has childhood trauma). I have spent the last twenty years tiptoeing around his RSD but I am beginning to gently challenge him on certain things that I am uncomfortable with. These aren’t huge things, for example one is the way he leaves the toilet after he’s used it. I’ve started asking him to close the bathroom door when he goes as he grunts loudly and we can hear everything from downstairs. I’ve also asked him to clean the bowl if he leaves it in a mess, as the smell permeates the whole house. I showed him how I squirt bleach around the rim and spray and wipe the outer rim and seat. He forgets to do this and so I have to remind him. I just reminded him now and he reacted badly.
When I ask him I use very neutral and non threatening language because anything else would massively trigger his RSD, so today I said ‘I’m so sorry, have you just used the toilet? Could you do something about the smell?’ - I am downstairs, the loo is upstairs, I could smell it from downstairs here so it had to have been pretty bad. He said ‘Yes FINE’ and stomped upstairs clearly very upset to have been asked.
When I say ‘reacted badly’ I don’t mean he is abusive or cruel in any way. I would describe his reaction as that of a teenager who has been asked to do something by their parent, that sigh of irritation and then pantomime stomping off. I could, and should, ignore that. He is 41 years old, not 15.
This is one, rather gross, sorry, example of things I have decided I don’t need to put up with any more. It doesn’t matter how much I explain, understate, sugar coat - What I view as assertion, he seemingly views as aggression. How on earth can I get him to behave like an adult around issues like this? Don't say therapy because he went for years and years and didn’t seem more content with life during or after.