To think being assertive doesn’t always equal being mean?

I don't see how being neuro diverse makes this difficult to deal with- leaving things in a mess is something toddlers do not 41 year old men- I wouldn't tiptoe around so much- he is using being ND as a way of getting you to do all the unpleasant tasks-anyone can learn to be manipulative, and clearly your DH mastered it long ago.

I have only said you are being unreasonable because your initial post suggests you think you have done something wrong. You seem not to have done

Not sure why you've quoted me and tried to challenge me, when that is exactly what I said.

I know its a real thing but this isn’t what’s happening here. This is a man who is barely toilet trained making his long suffering wife feel guilty for not wanting to clear up his shit.

OP you sound like a kind and compassionate person but in this case you need to toughen up. He has treated like a doormat, you have put your foot down, rightly, he is pushing back.

Don fall for it. Keep pushing back.

It’s hardly the model of assertiveness to just ask a grown arse man to not leave faeces around. Who is he expecting is going to clean it up? You? Nah. Is this rejection sensitivity dysphoria or is it a good old fashioned mixture of laziness and let-the-woman-clean-it-up-misogyny.

Like people who go on fear of flying courses, or conquer your fear of spiders conditioning, you need to expose him to greater levels of ‘rejection’ and gradually reduce his sensitivity to being told to get a grip and live in the real world with the grown ups.

RSD is definitely a thing. I am close to someone who has it and it impacts their life massively BUT it has nothing to do with basic hygiene around the home.

What your dh is doing is disgusting.
Why on earth would anyone above the age of about 4 thing shitting with the toilet door open is acceptable ?

I showed him how I squirt bleach around the rim and spray and wipe the outer rim and seat. He forgets to do this

and you still live with him?
I am not being sarcastic, if he manages not to forget to sit on the loo and wipe his bum (hopefully he does wipe his bum, that's not a question!), he can't forget to close a door and clean after himself.

He's CHOOSING not to close the door and not to clean. He doesn't forget to remove his pants first does he?

RSD is a real thing, but that’s no excuse for leaving the loo in a state. I’d put a checklist on the back of the door so he sees it before he leaves:
wash hands
clean bowl if left a mess
open window to clear the smell

So it's ok for him to stomp around like Kevin the teenager because you dared to ask him to be considerate & clean up after himself, but you are unreasonable in asking a full grown human to do so? Pull him up every time.

Jesus what a shit show. How is it necessary to do 'a lot of work' on yourself to not put up with some filthy bloke stinking and grunting and tantruming? The lives people lead 🙄

The example you gave is not rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It’s him being a nasty arsehole when you challenge him or ask him to do anything to condition you to stop challenging him and do everything for him to keep the peace.

Maybe there are other examples of him actually having RSD, but that isn’t one of them.

He's conditioning you into just doing it for him.

Tell him that him acting like a tantrumming 2yo is severely unattractive and he needs to grow up and be an adult who cleans up after himself.

Have you tried putting a sign on the back and front of the bathroom door OP? Saying something like 'When using the bathroom please 1) CLOSE THE DOOR, 2) CLEAN THE TOILET AFTER YOURSELF, AND 3) SPRAY OR OPEN THE WINDOW, before leaving'. My thought behind this, is that I find wherever there is a sign of any sort, I can't seem to stop myself reading it, very annoying when in a foreign country, lol. I don't know if everyone is like this, but if he sees in on the way in, or he leaves the door open, he will probably still be able to see it, and if he shuts the door, he will see it again, thereby giving him NO excuse for doing the things that annoy you, and would disgust most normal people. Then, if he still fails to do it, you can say, 'there are signs there to remind you to clean up after yourself, so if you think I'm being aggressive it's because, I'm sick of you expecting ME to clean up after you! Good luck OP

I mean, a grown man should know not to leave shit stains in the toilet and to clean it after he's used it! I think you must be a saint to have tiptoed around his sensitivity for 20 years - you're a better woman than me!

youve done things for years to try and resolve a situation.

whats he done to take onboard criticism? has he even tried?
mif he has fair enough. if he’s not bothered his (stinky) arse to maje any changes then sorey but he’s being a prick.

my fanny would clam shut at the thought of such a selfish ignorant lazy man child being anywhere near me 😜
sorry op.

I think assertiveness is important and healthy. Your words were quite passive, and even started with an apology. His claim of viewing this as aggressive falls flat.

Raise the conversation again and say aggression and assertion are quite different. Aggression is confrontational language and combative behaviour that is ofter used to disempower others.

You are asserting yourself, to let him know the impact of his bathroom habits. Repeat what you have written here. "The smell, noises and residue are unpleasant. This can be resolved by closing the door, cleaning the toilet and spraying air freshener/opening the window."

When people negatively react to assertiveness it is often because they feel challenged by it or more likely in this case because they are being held to account.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria? Pull the other one. He's a selfish arse who wants you to clean up after him rather than doing it himself. Stop tiptoeing around him and tell him straight. My DH is neurodiverse and has all sorts of issues from childhood trauma, but he wouldn't act like this, because he's a bloody adult.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria? 😂 no, he's just a dick.

Is being a disgusting, dirty bastard a symptom of his "condition"?
Seriously op, I can't believe you have put up with this behaviour until now. It's just plain lazy and filthy.

Have you asked him why he views cleaning up his shit as your job?

I think you should be more assertive ! Tell him to stop acting like a gross pig and to clean his own shit up.

Yes. I love the way these cavemen can learn cod-Freudian psychobabble when it suits their needs.

My other favourite one on here is blokes who insist that their "love language" is getting multiple blow jobs a night....

Please

rejection sensitivity dysphoria Is that a thing? Is that another way of saying he's an arsehole?