What’s with all the hate for SAHM

It feels like stay-at-home mothers have attracted a lot of negativity on Mumsnet for years, and lately it’s been particularly sharp. People often frame it as women “not supporting other women”, but I think it’s more uncomfortable than that — most of us feel uneasy when someone makes a life choice that doesn’t resemble our own. Right now, SAHMs seem to be the lightning rod for that discomfort.

There’s also a strange double standard at play. We tell women that unpaid labour has “no value”, then act shocked when no one wants or is able to do it.

SAHMs aren’t idle. They’re providing full-time childcare, domestic labour, emotional labour, and often the logistical glue that keeps a household functioning — work that would cost tens of thousands a year to outsource. The fact that it doesn’t appear on a payslip doesn’t make it worthless.

For many families, one parent stepping back isn’t a lifestyle statement or a lack of ambition. It’s a pragmatic decision shaped by childcare costs, inflexible jobs, children’s needs, or sheer economics.

We should be able to support women who work full-time and respect women who stay home. Pitting mothers against each other only props up a system that consistently undervalues care in every form.

Choosing to raise your own children isn’t laziness. It’s labour society depends on — and conveniently refuses to price properly.

I'm a SAHM with a high-earning husband, and some people who can't think through the best scenarios tend to jump to the worst ones, making harsh judgments about me and my husband. I’ve always been someone who plans ahead, coming up with Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, and so on for anything I wanted to achieve. During my years in a high-earning career, I built up passive income that now supports the life I envisioned.

Yes, it's not long ago really that sahms were called, "full time mums". I worked pt when ds was between the ages of 9 months and 5. He was cared for by 2 wonderful sets of gps whilst we worked. Viewing someone with dc as being the opposite to a "full time mum" because they work (in any capacity) is very insulting.

My previous line manager was amazing in that respect. He was the one who took the majority of the shared parental leave and then was part-time (0.6, then 0.8) because his wife was the 'breadwinner'. He did all of the drop-offs, pick-ups, sick days, clubs, dinners, bedtimes. He therefore just got it and afforded everyone in the team immense flexibility.

I'm sorry. That is very much how my lovely mum felt. I am immensely grateful for the sacrifices that she made for us, but I truly wish that she hadn't made them.

No platitudes from me here, but I do hope that you will find some way of making peace with your situation. If it makes any difference to you at all, the respect that I felt for my mother had nothing to do with anything that she had or hadn't done with her life, it was based on the person that she was. I only wish that she could have seen herself as we saw her.

Well that’s not always true. Some women have to be SAHMs because they cannot earn enough to make nursery feasible. Yes I know nursery fees should come out of both salaries but it’s still a fact that for some women, going back to work would reduce the total available income of the household.

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 23 years. Since I was 22 years old. (My children are 23, 11 and 5).

If I could live my life again, I would have had my own life. I would have studied and worked. I didn’t leave a job, I was just doing crappy temp work, I had no career.

I thought I was winning at life. I got to stay at home with my child while others were slogging away at uni or work.

Now, I’m 46 and fucking miserable. My oldest child has been no better off because I’ve stood in the kitchen all day. My children are no different, socially or emotionally from those who went to nursery 8-6 from 6 months old while thier mothers had thier own lives and careers. Infact, I’ve noticed that mothers who worked had far more respect from their children.

I have nothing of my own. Even the clothes on my back have been bought for me. I have few actual choices in life or independence.

I wouldn’t recommend being a stay at home mum to anyone. It’s a trap.

(Ans please none of the “it’s not too late” stuff. You have no idea of my current health issues).

Why is that 'amusing' to you? The majority of SAHMs are economically disempowered, compared to WOHPs of either sex. It's one of the grimmer things that comes up on here on threads about unhappy or abusive relationships, where a deskilled SAHM who has been out of the workplace for a while and doesn't have access to much money, finds it far harder to leave.

If you genuinely find that 'amusing', it's pretty unpleasant.

SAHMs are in a financially privileged position because someone is paying for them to SAH. To those mothers exhausted by the grinding burden of juggling work & family responsibilities (including responsibilities not just for kids but for elderly parents), SAHMs talking about their lives at home comes across like Kylie Jenner talking about her luxury holidays.

The divide between these different classes (deliberate word choice) of women is not as stark when children are very young & their mothers relatively so, because the burden on working mothers isn’t as grinding at that point (yes, it gets worse over time, unfortunately).

I don't really see why that's so amusing. Obviously the stereotype exists because there are a lot of women who would struggle financially if they got divorced. That clearly doesn't mean that all SAHPs fall into that category at all, and many will no doubt be very financially secure. It isn't at all funny that many are less fortunate.

I honestly couldn't care less if other women choose to be SAHPs. Their choices don't affect me and I never had any reason to feel jealous of them because I wouldn't ever have wanted to live their lives.

Being honest, I wouldn't want that life for my dd either - unless it was just a very short career break from which she could very easily return to work. I guess I'm much more invested in how she lives her life than I am in how other women might choose to live their own lives. Obviously, I wouldn't ever express that to her directly or show her what I felt because that wouldn't be my place, but I would feel it inside! Thankfully, there isn't much danger of her going in that direction in any case!

I do get annoyed with the smug types of SAHP who seem to believe that SAH somehow makes them better parents. But I find that they are a very small minority generally, and usually only vocal about it on the Internet.

As long as any children are well cared for and families are able to support themselves financially, I really don't think it's anyone else's business as to whether women SAH, WOH or some combination thereof.

I do feel very sorry for women - and indeed men - who don't have a choice in either direction.

I don’t hate and am not jealous of SAHM’s. I don’t know a single one. All the members of my extended family across several countries have two full time working parents as do friends and colleagues.

I find it inexplicable that anyone genuinely thinks this. In fact, I assume you’re joking?

I don't hate SAHMs

And I'm certainly not jealous

But I do think the model of man with a "big job" and SAHM is bad for equality generally

For as long as bosses (usually male) have SAHPs (mostly female) at home picking up the slack, they will continue to raise an eyebrow when staff (usually female) have to leave work at 5pm to pick up children

When the bosses are pulling their weight at home, that's when we'll start to see greater equality for dockers generally

This being MN, I predict a flurry of posts about men who work long hours and do school run and acknowledge that SAHM is the hardest job in the world by far.... but that's not my general experience IRL

No hate here. I think its wonderful for children to have a mum at home. The only thing that worries me is with the very high rates of divorce now Id be reluctant to trust my life to a man without a career of some sort to fall back on.

I don’t see any hate for SAHMs, and I’m wondering if you’re trying to start something with such an inflammatory thread title.

You sound very passive aggressive.

Any actual evidence to back up these claims?

Girls and boys needs good education so they can make choices. That choice could be to climb Everest! Run a bank or decide to stay at home and raise kids!

It’s not about girls being worth less!

So may preconceived ideas

Sorry, wrong quote attached - must go to bed now I’m clearly exhausted from all the above!

'I am not employed but I am a cleaner, chauffeur”

I must admit to uttering that once or twice when the kids were younger hehe! You forgot: cook, laundress, personal concierge though!

Well if they dont exist great

@PollyBell Your characterisation of SAHMs is a complete cliche.

There is no hate from me but no SAHM dont need a medal nor to complain they have no money and expect society to pay you to raise children it is a choice to have children not a community service, if you are not financially independent from your partner/husband and he runs off with his neighbour, secretary or your best friend dont be surprised there he won't pay you to stay at home

so if you chose one fine but you chose to stay at home you won't get a martyr award and this ''I am not employed but I am a cleaner, chauffeur, P.A etc' no you are not working you are doing what you signed up for when you chose to have children

And if you think that is a woman's sole role in life, why send daughters to school or encourage them in university or get jobs if their role is stay at home and let me support them, aren't girls worth more than that?