My son cheated on his girlfriend - Update

I’m sure I’ve read posts from you about your children’s disabilities. Is that personal information ok then?

You think?

OP I think one of the important outcomes is presumably that he will consider whether he really wanted to marry her.

Having an engagement ring but engaging in risky casual sex - it's hardly a sign he is deeply in love.

As his mum you are there to prompt wise decision making where possible! so well done

You've handled this really well, OP. If your son wants to shag around, he should be explicit with that about any potential partners and find his own place to do it.

I’m so glad you updated. I think you’ve handled it beautifully and unfortunately he’s learning a very harsh lesson. He’s not mature enough to make the commitment to marry if he’s downloading apps and shagging strangers. I hope he learns from this. Very difficult for you and the poor girl though.

He could always just do any future questionable behaviour away from his parent's home, especially seeing as he doesn’t even live there.

@ErsBears how do you know that he did actually tell her? Might he have told her a lie - it's my MH, I'm ill, too much work, etc?

I support what you've done but it must have been incredibly difficult. I think it IS important to model the behaviour, morals and values you have respect for - unlike many moralising people - you aren't just saying one thing in public while privately shying away from making the hard decisions or taking the tough actions to uphold what you believe in - given that you have probably always been like this - I imagine you are really shocked that this happened at all.

More than a decade after my DD did something like this (not exactly the same - a first year at uni craziness thing) and I still can't look at her in the same way - I'll always have some tiny doubt about her character TBH in spite of loving her I remain so disappointed - I accept she is a different character to me - she's gregarious, loud, wild and wonderful and I simply, am not. There were repercussions for her and her friends and also for her sister and her friends - I don't know if she really learned a life lesson from it and whether she'll never do anything similar again - I fear it will cost her a lot more next time.

Why don’t you thank the OP for the update regarding her son’s love life.

I think this is good and (sorry to your son) hope she ends things.
I don’t think he can have been that happy in the relationship if he cheated (not that it’s an excuse).
I know you’re not happy with him but I would let him stay with you until he finds a new place to live if they break up, it stops him staying in the relationship just so he doesn’t end up homeless!
I thought some of the replies you got on your last thread were harsh too, I couldn’t have spent home with the girlfriend knowing she’d been cheated on either

Was she a sex worker?????

I'm glad he's told her OP, I'd take that as a win, he has followed doing the wrong thing with doing the right thing.

I suspect she will break up with him, if I was her friend it's what I'd advise.

I do think the break-up of a relationship and loss of friendships is appropriate consequences and punishment though, I don't think you should kick him out after a week, although I'm not suggesting you should house him indefinitely. Have recently helped a few people (friend, colleague) find shared accommodation recently and it isn't easy out there.

Thank you for the update.

I wish you and your family the very best moving forward.

I wish my younger self's boyfriend's mum had been like you. Well done.

It’s a life lesson to him, you absolutely did the right thing by not excusing, condoning or covering up for him. He’ll learn from your attitude too, and good for the girl going on holiday herself. There’s not much more you can do now.

Her son involved her in his love life when he brought some random woman back to her home for a quick shag.

I’ve tried to ask why he did it exactly but haven’t been able to get any answers,

@ErsBears

Chances are there really isn't one. At least not an honest one. So many men will say the same thing when they get caught and you know, I believe them. I think that men simply think with their dicks. And dicks can't reason, they can just 'want'. Some men are able to say no to their dicks, some simply can't or won't.

It's only afterwards when they either get caught or have an attack of the 'guilts' that those men find reasons or excuses for cheating. "My wife doesn't understand me", "She's gained weight", "She doesn't/does do XYZ", and "Wah wah wah poor me". All self indulgent lies to soothe their consciences.

At least your son is being honest and not making excuses. He'll still have to pay the piper though. You're doing the right things.

There probably wasn’t a reason beyond ‘I could so I did,’ and likely ‘I’ve done it before and not been found out.’ More men than you would think habitually cheat and simply compartmentalise the behaviour from their relationship. In their minds the two things are not connected.

Very well done Mum - Mns everywhere should be on your side whether they have sons or daughters!
You have standards and morals and have stuck by them - awesome!

A sex worker?! I thought he downloaded a dating app while the gf was out of the country and he had his parents house to use for a hook up away from his housemates/her friends?

If, as parents we can't call out our children, even if they're adults, for poor behaviour, then who will?! Your son made a decision, he knew he couldn't take a woman back to his house share, so he decided to utilise the empty family home instead. It was premeditated, because he intentionally downloaded the hook-up app, so he could meet up with a random woman for sex, once his girlfriend left the country. You came back early, and he was caught red handed.

You called him out on his poor behaviour, and made it known that not only were you disappointed in him as your Mum but also as a woman. You refused to cover up his behaviour, you refused to make excuses for him and you have put him in a position where he's had to take responsibility for his behaviour. Well done! We need more Mum's who are prepared to call out their son's for poor behaviour towards other women.

Hopefully your son has learnt his lesson. Only your son knows why he cheated on his girlfriend. It will serve him right if his girlfriend, after a long think, dumps his ass. He has no one else to blame but himself. The fact he cheated, and it was deliberate, he set out to meet a woman for sex, means that deep down, he doesn't love his girlfriend and that splitting would be better for both of them.

Why keep bumping the thread then?

Did you give the GF a solo lift to the airport? 😂😉

I wasn't aware of my requirement to furnish you with an answer to your question as it wasn't directed at me.

However, if i wasn't named beyond an anonymous DP/DD/etc I probably wouldnt be aware of it, and if i was aware of it, I wouldn't be bothered as the discussion would be the consequence of my own actions.

I think you’re far too involved in your son’s love life - seems you want praise from a bunch of strangers more than anything. Odd.

@Rosamutabilisi agreed with the op on her original thread. I would not have tolerated any cheating under my roof and would have booted the sex worker out and told my son that it was unacceptable behaviour.

But wanting an update as to what he is doing about his girlfriend is sticking her nose in.

It sounds like he has a dim view of women and that would begin at home, with his mother.