Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

No evidence to suggest she’s interested in her ultra supportive older colleague but I think it’s highly suspicious that she is spending so much time with him and relying on him emotionally given she’s had a bad enough experience with another older colleague to report it. Surely if it was you, you would keep steer clear of another one and get your support elsewhere.

Hi op Is this your dh saying solid 9 or have you met her? I was going to say the age difference might be in your favour but then you said you were only 25 when you got together and I had a friend who married her boss exactly same age difference and the gym and new clothes he is definitely trying to impress her get her attention but hopefully she won’t go there with a married man with a son but who knows. You are right to be concerned. Is he kind and generous and a good listener to you.

Absolutely agree. History repeating itself, older man going after a younger woman.

Yeah it seems a lot. Isn't he concerned about getting a sexual harassment case from HR off her the same way the other bloke did? What he's doing sounds no different.

He's clearly wishing it was an EA though tbh I doubt she sees it that way or fancies his old arse.

I dont think its an emotional affair because it doesn't sound like its reciprocated.
Its a crush basically isn't it?
He needs to get a grip. Obviously he's getting self esteem by feeling like her saviour as that's the only role he can have as doubtless she isn't interested in him romantically. Bet his narrative to himself is that there's no harm as nothing sexual will ever happen. But obviously its disrespectful and the harm is that its effecting you as you can see he has a crush on her.

There's nothing worse than a man's self delusion. He can cause chaos while losing reality.

So it's definitely not your insecurity. It's a predatory man who likes very young women.

See i was going to say it depends. Im friends with an older colleague who would give me lifts, coach me (both professionally and personally) hes about 15 years older than me. But he had his children in his teens, so im 2 years older than his eldest. He very definitely has an affection for me thats "paternal" and never been remotely inappropriate with me. Ive met all his lovely family. I think these relationships can be as he says.. however if I were you two things would worry me:

1. He lied to you about the lifts etc. Which to me is weird if he is just looking out for a coworker...
2. He has form for an interest in younger women.. hes almost old enough to be your dad

This girl may think hes being paternal, he might be.. but its concerned you and that doesnt matter to him and thats the biggest problem

I’d be suss OP .
Well the fact that you yourself are 15 years younger, & the whole lifts home after a night out
How does that come about even ? She’s clearly ringing him , that suggests to me she fancies him , I mean how did she get home before .
Why would she be ringing your husband asking him to bring her home in all fairness.
I definitely wouldn’t be letting that go on .
He knows full well it’s not right aswel .

Oh goodness, this doesn't sound good when you add it all up. Older man meets attractive, 23yo girl at work who is in a vulnerable position. He persuades her NOT to go ahead with sexual harassment case, and becomes her friend and saviour. He omits details of their friendship from his wife, starts telling his wife that he's depressed and she doesn't understand him...
Unfortunately it sounds as if your husband is being incredibly foolish. I doubt she is interested in him, but she's possibly flattered by the attention. He needs to step away from this inappropriate friendship as quickly and tactfully as he can.
In your position OP, I'd be sneaking a look at his phone. That will very quickly give you the sense of how it is.

No you are not being unreasonable. Would he do all of this for an older male colleague? Tell him to cool it with her as it’s making you uncomfortable, I’d say this is how affairs start at work.

Of course her age is relevant.

The OP’s H is using the excuse that he feels “fatherly” towards his colleague who is young enough to be his daughter, because she’s a similar age to the child he would have had if they weren’t aborted. If the colleague was 60 he wouldn’t be able to use that line would he?

More stupid age gap drivel.
Nothing to do with being a father.

She's a female thats it.
Age irrelevant.

🤦🏻‍♀️ so an early-20s, attractive female fulfils the “father” hole in him that his own 5yr old son can’t 🙄

He’s not even trying to make up believable lies is he? He’s treating you like a fool.

Don’t fall for the “she’s like the daughter I almost had” line.

For all he knows, that “daughter” could have been a son, and how many young men has he been “mentoring” and giving secret lifts to and spending time with?

The same middle aged men that say “she’s 18 and old enough to date” are the ones who say “why would I hang around with an 18yr old boy, we have nothing in common?”

If he wants to work with children he could do some volunteering in his spare time. In fact, if he’d wanted kids so much he could have made an effort to have them, donated sperm, or worked with children or helped at scouts or something, but he didn’t. Because what he actually wants is time and attention from an attractive young woman 🤷‍♀️

You sound like a strong woman OP! Your son will be fine, don’t worry.

He's lying to you. He's possibly lying to himself.

If he's depressed he can arrange and attend therapy.

If he looks at this woman as a daughter, he wouldn't be changing his routine to try and impress her. As a father figure/ mentor, he would be supporting her to be independent of him. He'd also be worried about her career and how it looks for her from an outside perspective.

At the moment He's not worried about her reputation and people will absolutely be talking. He's not worried about his reputation or his relationship with his wife. His main concern seem to be having his ego stroked by a much younger woman. It's extremely unprofessional. It makes him look like a dirty old man and a predator. It's embarrassing for him. It's embarrassing for her and it's embarrassing for you.

Yes, you now know what he is capable of, @ilikemycofistrong.

What a gaslighter he is. As he is not taking responsibility by (1) acknowledging his inappropriate line-crossing or (2) showing remorse for hurting you and damaging your marriage, he is a high risk for repeating this ego-driven behavior. He is DARVOing you and blame-shifting — manipulative tactics that turn him into the victim. [ ‘WaaWaa, I am so depressed because meanie @ilikemycofistrong is making me give up my pretend daughter.’ ]

He is so entrenched in his obsession/fantasy that he is not going to admit he is infatuated and stomping marital boundaries. Protecting their relationship is his priority.

He’s inventive with his excuses I will give him that.

It is not easy to walk away from marriage, the ramifications are huge. But I would seriously be thinking of ending it. Not just the lies and game playing, or the gaslighting but he would be giving me the massive Ick.

Maybe if he wanted a daughter , he could go volunteer somewhere with disabled children. Or maybe they're not blonde and nubile enough for him.