Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

256 replies

ilikemycofistrong · 05/01/2026 14:22

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

OP posts:

BogusBargins · 05/01/2026 14:36

I voted YABU, as while the intention may be there from him there is no suggestion she is interested so it’s not reciprocated so not an emotional affair. Appears he is trying to downplay it also with the ‘like a daughter comment’

Original poster

ilikemycofistrong · 05/01/2026 14:33

Thank your for all responses so far.
We don't have daughter similar age, I'm in fact only 35 myself and we have school age son.
When I confronted him, he said he does look at her like daughter and not in sexual way at all (obviously he would not said otherwise to my face).

OP posts:

outerspacepotato · 05/01/2026 14:29

I think you've pegged him correct as being her "rescuer" and yes, their relationship is staring to come into your marriage and home, so that crosses boundaries. He's keeping their outside of work contacts secret and that a huge red flag. So is the gift giving. This sounds more like it's crossed into a physical affair.

He has better be extremely careful if she's already been the victim of and reported sexual harassment by a senior at her workplace. He's a complete dumbass to be alone with her in the car on their rides to and from work and anywhere else.

Sartre · 05/01/2026 14:28

Difficult to say really. With such a substantial age gap it could be that he’s taken her under his wing and feels protective of her in a sort of father-daughter way if that makes sense. For example, a colleague of mine is mid 50s and he mentors our newest colleague who is mid 20s. I never get creepy vibes, I think he just wants to make sure she feels supported and such.

If you have daughters who are a similar age, this could also play a part e.g he wants to ensure she gets home safe after nights out which is a perfectly kind thing to do.

I’d ask him outright and judge from his reaction, I’m sure you know when he’s lying.

Anyahyacinth · 05/01/2026 14:27

I wouldn't like this. It's not insecurity as you've discovered he lied. Sorry OP

HipHopDontYouStop · 05/01/2026 14:26

Nope. He’s being her hero. Her shoulder to cry on. He’s hoping for more than friendship from her.

He would never offer that level of support to some fat bloke in accounts. It’s always the women.

Your h needs to watch it. Other than betraying you, she might just turn and label his ott attentiveness as sexual harassment. She might be horribly uncomfortable with it all.

I would call it out. And I would be so so embarrassed for him. Not your fault AT ALL that he’s making a fool of himself.

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