Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

Yeah I was about to say it’s your insecurity till you revealed you’re on 35 and got with him at 25, I’d suspect he’s into young women and you maybe getting past your sell by date. So I’m afraid I also think he’s going after her

Him suddently being obsessed with going to the gym, buying new clothes and seeking constant validation about how he looks certainly would ring alarm bells for me. He's also kept the frequency of his lifts for her secret from you.

She is pretty much the same age as you were when you got together with him. He's a Peter Pan character who has never grown up and the older he gets, the bigger the age gap between him and the woman that he is pursuing.

Ah you have a huge age gap yourself.. so he likes the young ones.

Don't feel insecure, feel angry!

He is being hugely, hugely creepy. It is inappropriate in every way. He has to stop.

I have a daughter myself but can also distinctly remember being 23 and at the start of my career. There were so many disgusting older men, crossing boundaries all over the place. I never breathed a word, because I felt like the risks outweighed the benefits, I had no evidence as such, the usual thing.

There is a chance this young colleague hasn't realised yet just how awful he is being, but will, and could end up feeling really disgusted and, worst case scenario, guilty for having entertained and encouraged his foul actions.

Please tell him this, and get him to leave this poor young woman alone.

Given your age gap, he clearly has a thing for females junior to him, so do keep keeping an eye...

the lying would be the dealbreaker for me

He is being uber helpful to her because he fancies her. He likes the younger women. He wouldn’t bother with Sarah on Reception or Bob in Facilities. He wants to be careful she doesn’t report him for being a creep at some stage when the penny drops why he is being so attentive.

Well. I think this is your answer.

I wouldn't ask how my OH felt about me giving lifts etc. But something about this makes you uncomfortable. Have you talked to.him?

The lying is oviously wrong. But this bit
"Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement."
it wouldn't even occur to me to ask my husband about how much I dealt with colleagues. They're colleagues. Some need more involvement, management or support than others. It's nothing to do with him.

It's a sad old tale isn't it. Such a cliche. Older man comes to the rescue of pretty young woman. Makes him feel strong, important, wanted.

I'm normally the last person to see these things but even for me this does suggest a one-sided emotional affair. I don't think she's interested though. I find it particularly iffy thst he's supporting her with the whole older male pursuing her when it certainly looks like he's doing the same.

Is she fit? Assuming she is, then certainly he's not thinking with his brain, sniffing around her.

He should check himself before he loses his dignity and, more importantly, his family.

Does she have any other way of getting to work, e.g. what happens when he's on annual leave? Is it at all possible he's been sucked in by a CF? (Trying v hard to give him the benefit of the doubt!)

With some men I'd think he was just looking out for them, like he would a daughter. Given your age gap though, I would be worried that there's more too it. How old were you when you got together?

But the problem remains for the op then? If she were receptive then he’d go for it? And if it’s not this woman then another one will be willing in future?

Lying is not acceptable. It's not you being insecure, he's made you feel that way by his actions.
He needs to stop.

He lied to you about his relationship with her (giving lifts etc).

That’s all you need to know about whether this is a good or bad “friendship” in terms of your marriage. He has an ongoing investment of time and energy into an attractive young woman and he LIED to you about it.

Why lie?? It’s because there’s something to hide obviously.

Hmm, difficult one. How did he react when you found out about the lifts? I'm not sure I'd be bothered by this, as I give and receive lifts from work colleagues all the time, both male and female. If it makes sense to car share, then we do. I guess it depends on the details, like how far out of his way he is going, etc.

I find the support in her harassment case completely normal, and even commendable (as long as he's not being creepy with it obviously!) - he's senior to her, has more job and life experience, and supportive colleagues can be really invaluable when you're just starting out in the world of work. A much older (male) colleague offered to guide me through tax codes/pensions etc when I was a lot younger than 23 - there was nothing untoward in it, and he saved me a lot of money. I also don't think it's strange to pass along a job opportunity.

I guess it all depends on your spidey senses and his demeanour when talking about it. Has he got previous for this kind of thing?

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, that should be enough for him to stop.
If he doesn’t stop, you have your answer…

Maybe, but I rarely see middle aged men go out of their way to mentor younger male colleagues and make sure they feel comfortable. Nor have I noticed many men taking an active interest in the careers of unattractive women, or lesbians.

My father always thought of himself as a committed mentor of brilliant young minds - and won all sorts of teaching awards - but the brilliant young minds always belonged to attractive and vulnerable female students, with whom he had numerous affairs over the years (and married 3 of them, my mother included).

So I am extremely cynical about men’s ’protective’ impulses towards younger women over whom they wield institutional power.