To think that my mother should not tell her boss she is going to rehab for alcohol?

This will sound stupid but I genuinely did not know that Helen was not my responsibility. Which probably sounds insane to others but I have pretty much always had to be the one looking out for her.

No, of course you didn't, darling! As children, we believe what our adults tell us... it's actually an instinct to protect us - we need to obey our 'carers' - not to do so risks rejection or worse. But please don't beat up on yourself for trying to be so helpful - you did what you could to survive, as the person you were at the time. You did as best you knew how then.

Anyone seeing that situation from outside can see it was abusive, what you went through... I'm glad the therapy is helping. This difficult situation is one of the life lessons you have to go through to grow. You need to take care of yourself as the adults in your life didn't.

🤗

No, how does her telling her employer the real reason for her absence affect you. I wasn’t asking how her general condition and presentation affects you, specifically her telling her boss?

Your mum needs to do this herself her way. My own view is that she should tell her work the truth so that they can offer any support/ leeway etc while she gets through this bit and begins her new sober life. I also think (kindly) that you should back off a bit. Support her, don't police her.

I disagree. Her boss needs to know as they can then be prepared or help.

My DM was the same but lost her battle with alcohol - never really admitting the true extent of her issues

Do you have an equivalent to ACAS in Ireland who can advise on employment rights and alcoholism?

Yes - it’s part of taking responsibility - and she has to start taking responsibility if she has any hope of recovery. So many lies accompany problems with alcohol - being honest at work is a good start.

If she experiences negative consequences then learning to deal with that is part of recovery too.

It might be worth you looking at what is available for you. In the U.K. we have Al Anon and SMART recovery family and friends - which can help navigate the tricky position of supporting a Person who has a problem with alcohol.

I am an alcoholic in recovery and have been sober for many years. In the beginning, I found honesty was the best policy, particularly with colleagues and managers. The support I got was such a good help, plus it made me accountable. No-one will try and force alcohol on me on a night out, everyone knows why I don't drink, and quite a few people have asked me, privately, for advice with regard to their own drinking. I hope your mum gets into rehab sooner rather than later, and rediscovers her life without alcohol.

I think it is her decision ultimately but it is reasonable for you to seek opinions and want to support your mother if you can.

My opinion is that your mother's boss will find out sooner instead of later and it will be much better coming from her now.

I hope your mother can stop drinking, recognising it is one day at a time.

All love to you, OP. It sounds so tough.

I think I agree with you that all she needs to do at the moment is provide a sick cert, and that the GP would likely only need to give minimal information, perhaps just stating 'mental health issues'.

I do also understand your mother's wish to be honest. I think that as part of longer-term recovery, being honest with the people you have harmed can be part of the work of getting better. But it feels like that is for the future when (hopefully) things are less chaotic and she can give her employer confidence that she is committed to the recovery.

EDIT: Looking back at the most recent earlier posts I can see lots of good arguments for going the other way, though. I guess it partly depends on what her boss is like, and how committed he/she will be to constructive support. And, of course, ultimately it is your mother's decision, so try not to stress too much about it. Take care of yourself.

absolutely this. You have had to watch out for a from being a child when shouldn't have had to but I think you perhaps need to take a step back now and let her make her decisions. I definitely feel you need to get your own support if you haven't already.

I think she should be honest with her boss. Her boss is more likely to support her and fight her corner if he hears it from her rather than being led to believe it’s something else and then finding out the truth later.

I don’t know about Ireland but in the UK alcoholism can be a reason for companies to manage people out on health grounds so I’d say keeping the boss onside and showing honesty and insight is the best way forward.

Bless you, you've had the weight of your DM around your neck all your life... and as a child, when it was absolutely not fair to you... 🤗

Setting the boundary you did was absolutely the right thing to do - yes, it pushed her to crisis, to rock bottom, but that is what she needed to see the truth. And this is what's happening now. She's going to see what happens in life without you protecting her and mopping up after her. You have to let it happen.

Letting her make her own decisions and see the consequences as an adult is the best thing for her, and for you. I know it'll be painful, and if you can find some support for yourself, I'd advise that. Have you looked into Al-anon? LOTS of people in your boat!

All the best to you. 🙂

The sick note will have something on it and (in the UK anyway) a declaration of alcoholism can genuinely give the person more protection in the workplace as PP mentioned above.

I would suggest she read her work T&C's carefully for any reasons why she should or shouldn't declare. I know real life doesn't always line up with written policies but it would be wrong to think it's always terrible idea.

If she doesn’t tell him it will be far worse when it comes out

recovery college south east and better together have great key workers

Bless you. This must be tough. Logically, I think you know none of this is your fault or responsibility. But it's hard to escape the feeling of it. Hard as it is: deep breath, let her fo whatever she chooses and navigate whatever comes next her own way. Hopefully this is a turning point for her, but she has to find her own way through it.

How long will she be in rehab? (I assume this will be an inpatient facility?)

Will she even make it there in the first place? What will change with her health conditions / blood results in 3 weeks?

you are treating her like a child, and I fully understand why because she is the child and you are the parent but it’s no good! Let her make her own mistakes, you are getting a dopamine hit from being right and her being wrong, your normal is being better than her, you don’t have to solve all her problems. Use the energy to work out why you do that (which you know) and how to catch yourself doing it and stop.

also chuinn mhuire and the HSE have great addiction services you just need to know the right person too contact

depend I know the civil service has a support system for such things and you would have got to the health office about this if signed off for more then and a week. you also need certs and they will say whats wrong in general terms. I know people who have had depression used against them and people who have had great support for drugs and alcohol abuse at work all depends. but usually people know who a drinker as and will be helpful. its not looked down on like drug use

I am not sure what the situation is in ROI but in the UK while substance addiction is not classed as a disability under the Equality Act, health issues or disabilities that may be caused by the addiction are, so it is good to be honest with your employer.

It’s your mums decision - not yours .