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Original poster

Am i being ungrateful for my bday ?

133 replies

CleverOpalPanda · 05/01/2026 09:49

My birthday is coming up soon and I’m feeling a bit deflated about it, but I don’t know if I’m being unfair.
My boyfriend has said money is tight this month, which I understand. When he asked what I wanted for my birthday I said it was up to him, as I’m not expecting anything expensive. However, when I later asked if we were going out to celebrate, he seemed surprised and said money wasn’t good so we’d stay in and order a takeaway.
I felt disappointed as I’d really hoped to dress up and go out for dinner. I even offered to pay myself, but he refused, saying it wouldn’t make sense for me to pay on my own birthday.
What’s bothering me is that he knew my birthday was coming up, but he’s said he spent a lot recently on himself over the holidays — buying designer stuff like a 200 pound hat and going out most nights with his brother. It makes me feel like my birthday wasn’t planned or prioritised at all.
This stings a bit because I went all out and saved for his birthday and made a real effort to make it special. A month ago he was even suggesting places we could go for my birthday, so I’m confused by the sudden change.
I don’t need gifts or expensive plans — I can buy myself things — it’s more about the effort and feeling celebrated. Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by this, or is this just one of those situations where expectations need adjusting?
I Dont want him to feel pressure around it but this is my first birthday with him and I fear is going to set the tone on how I am gone be prioritised and celebrated in the future.

OP posts:
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whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 06/01/2026 21:50

CleverOpalPanda · 05/01/2026 10:09

9 months together ,he has bought me gifts before like a 300 pound necklace and a 250 pound bag.
We live far from each other and he lives with family so when i drive to him he pays for the hotel,dinner,breakfast I rarely pay for anything.
When he comes over to me he spends around 100 for taxi which he did last saturday so I dont want to draw conclusions

Show quote history

This sounds like an unhealthy and unequal pattern of spending/sharing costs for both of you - individually and together. Personally, I would not be comfortable having a man pay for me to this extent (meals, hotels etc etc), it is infantalizing and regressive.

I'm guessing from your posts that you see his spending money on you as a proxy for how much he cares/invests in you. I would see it as a huge red flag, as this will come with other gender based expectations...

The birthday itself seems less of an issue - you've only been together nine months, just got back together, you didn't tell him exactly what you wanted and now he doesn't have the ability to pay and is refusing to let you pay for a night out.

5128gap · 05/01/2026 19:44

He spent all his money during a period he didn't think he'd need to save for your birthday. You can't blame him for that.

kirinm · 05/01/2026 19:17

This relationship sounds doomed. And rather childish. I think you’re pretty cheeky asking what he’s going to get you when you’ve only been back together for 4 days!

Gymnopedie · 05/01/2026 17:04

When you split up he blew the money he'd saved up for your birthday. He didn't know you were going to get back together. He wasn't unreasonable.

GrannyOog · 05/01/2026 15:42

The more you tell us, the more obvious it is that you should not be together. The birthday meal really is the least of your worries.

itsthetea · 05/01/2026 14:48

Your first birthday with him and if you have any sense your last

noidea69 · 05/01/2026 14:44

You sound like you are 14.

DaisyChain505 · 05/01/2026 14:43

For someone who earns 4K a month, lives at home still and doesn’t have a car to pay for with fuel, tax, MOT, finance etc there is absolutely no excuse for him to no have a spare £50 to take you out for a cheap and easy birthday meal.

As for the savings he apparently has, if this relationship is going to go anywhere you should absolutely feel comfortable discussing finance, savings and the future.

Get comfortable having grown up serious conversation if you want to en up with someone stable and secure. If you ignore things and tip toe around serious issue you’ll end up too far in with someone who isn’t what you actually think they are.

noidea69 · 05/01/2026 14:43

in fairness to him what did want him to do with his money once you had broken up, put it to one side in case you got back together?

Aplstrudl · 05/01/2026 14:36

He clearly isn’t listening to you and your break up of 10 days clearly didn’t set a tone so as he’s still not giving a shit about you, be a grown up and dump him and move on.

loganrock · 05/01/2026 14:25

You both sound like red flags tbh. Very young ones.

Throwmoneyatit · 05/01/2026 14:03

Off the back of a pp mentioning your last threads, I've just had a look.

Finish it with him. Neither of you are compatible with the other.

You're both hard work and both flogging a dead horse.

You're both overly jealous and insecure and acting like absolute children.

You should both be single, work on yourselves, have therapy - whatever. It's clearly doing neither of you any good.

But this relationship is an absolute shitshow. I really cannot understand why either of you would want to be in this relationship.

slashlover · 05/01/2026 13:47

CleverOpalPanda · 05/01/2026 10:21

He is buying me a gift its just the dinner part ,he wants to stay in and order food instead.
We stayed in for his bday and had a good time but i cooked a nice meal and we were going to go out.
My bday is in 2 weeks so i will have to see what he is going to do in reality.
Maybe he is prioritising my gift but he wont let me pay for my dinner even tough I offered.
He generally pays for everything other times rarely I pay for anything.

Show quote history

So he bought you a bag, a necklace, pays for almost everything while you're together and you're moaning that he doesn't want to go out even though you want to pay for dinner?

lovecheesymash · 05/01/2026 13:40

So the spending spree happened while you weren’t together. It could have been the money he’d saved for your birthday, so when you broke up he decided to spend it on himself? You say previous to the breakup he was very generous and paid for everything , so I don’t think you can be too hard on him. Just see how he behaves going forward.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 05/01/2026 13:38

Just read the post about your previous thread(s). I'm out

slashlover · 05/01/2026 13:37

user2848502016 · 05/01/2026 10:12

Dump him, he’s selfish

I don’t make a big fuss over my birthday and don’t expect expensive gifts - but I would be annoyed if DH announced he couldn’t afford to take me out/buy me anything when he’d just spent £200 on a hat! It’s the thought and consideration not the amount spent, and your BF has shown he has no consideration for you.

If you stay with this guy this is how your birthdays are going to be.

I do agree with others though that you should have been more clear with what you wanted

They were split up until 4 days ago, why should he still be saving for his exes birthday? From OPs drip feed, it seems he spends a fortune on her for random presents.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 05/01/2026 13:36

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/01/2026 13:29

OP you said in your last thread you argue , he gives you the silent treatment then you cry and beg him to get back together. What diffence does what he buys you make. You are not right for each other. Good partners do not argue about SM , work clients, how much someone spends on a birthday present or a bloody hat. Forget him and work on your self.

I wouldnt argue over a gift or his hat with him ,these are only in my thoughts verbalised here in this forum,in this case i would just observe him.
In terms of the other issues, I have started therapy for my jealousy as sometimes my mind elaborates things that dont even exist and are not even his fault which was very draining for him.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 05/01/2026 13:35

So he's buying you gifts for your birthday but you want a dinner out too?

EcoChica1980 · 05/01/2026 13:34

CleverOpalPanda · 05/01/2026 13:23

I do cause it sets the tone for every birthday and if he cant even make you feel special on that day imagine the rest of the days ?I dont knw when the bar went so low as to women to not have any excpectations on how to be treated anymore and everything is too much.
But giving birth to their kids ,cleaning and cooking for them while also working is not too much ?men will give you how much you accept no more and I was that kind of woman before simple not asking too much and I was neglected because i was low maintenance

Show quote history

The birthday isn't the issue OP - it's all the other stuff you mention here! A nice diner once a year won't make up for imbalances for the rest of the year

WarmGreyHare · 05/01/2026 13:29

CleverOpalPanda · 05/01/2026 09:49

My birthday is coming up soon and I’m feeling a bit deflated about it, but I don’t know if I’m being unfair.
My boyfriend has said money is tight this month, which I understand. When he asked what I wanted for my birthday I said it was up to him, as I’m not expecting anything expensive. However, when I later asked if we were going out to celebrate, he seemed surprised and said money wasn’t good so we’d stay in and order a takeaway.
I felt disappointed as I’d really hoped to dress up and go out for dinner. I even offered to pay myself, but he refused, saying it wouldn’t make sense for me to pay on my own birthday.
What’s bothering me is that he knew my birthday was coming up, but he’s said he spent a lot recently on himself over the holidays — buying designer stuff like a 200 pound hat and going out most nights with his brother. It makes me feel like my birthday wasn’t planned or prioritised at all.
This stings a bit because I went all out and saved for his birthday and made a real effort to make it special. A month ago he was even suggesting places we could go for my birthday, so I’m confused by the sudden change.
I don’t need gifts or expensive plans — I can buy myself things — it’s more about the effort and feeling celebrated. Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by this, or is this just one of those situations where expectations need adjusting?
I Dont want him to feel pressure around it but this is my first birthday with him and I fear is going to set the tone on how I am gone be prioritised and celebrated in the future.

Do you have any other family or friends you would like to go out for dinner with? If so, organise that and do it. If you can afford it and want it to happen then he shouldn't be dictating what you get to do for your birthday. Obviously it is up to him what he spends and what effort HE makes, and you can do with that information what you will...... But don't let him ruin it, you've been dating less than a year!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/01/2026 13:29

OP you said in your last thread you argue , he gives you the silent treatment then you cry and beg him to get back together. What diffence does what he buys you make. You are not right for each other. Good partners do not argue about SM , work clients, how much someone spends on a birthday present or a bloody hat. Forget him and work on your self.

Charlenedickens · 05/01/2026 13:27

CleverOpalPanda · 05/01/2026 13:23

I do cause it sets the tone for every birthday and if he cant even make you feel special on that day imagine the rest of the days ?I dont knw when the bar went so low as to women to not have any excpectations on how to be treated anymore and everything is too much.
But giving birth to their kids ,cleaning and cooking for them while also working is not too much ?men will give you how much you accept no more and I was that kind of woman before simple not asking too much and I was neglected because i was low maintenance

Show quote history

He bought you gifts!

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 05/01/2026 13:23

EcoChica1980 · 05/01/2026 13:12

Sorry I know this will be unpopular, but anyone sulking because they didn't get the birthday they want needs to grow up.

Don't get me wrong - it is obviously important that you feel loved and cared for but getting that one a day year isn't really the point. That needs to be a 365-days -a-year thing.

If you're not gettin gthat then you have bigger problems and you should address those.

But complaining about your birthday feel babyish sorry.

I do cause it sets the tone for every birthday and if he cant even make you feel special on that day imagine the rest of the days ?I dont knw when the bar went so low as to women to not have any excpectations on how to be treated anymore and everything is too much.
But giving birth to their kids ,cleaning and cooking for them while also working is not too much ?men will give you how much you accept no more and I was that kind of woman before simple not asking too much and I was neglected because i was low maintenance

OP posts:
EcoChica1980 · 05/01/2026 13:12

Sorry I know this will be unpopular, but anyone sulking because they didn't get the birthday they want needs to grow up.

Don't get me wrong - it is obviously important that you feel loved and cared for but getting that one a day year isn't really the point. That needs to be a 365-days -a-year thing.

If you're not gettin gthat then you have bigger problems and you should address those.

But complaining about your birthday feel babyish sorry.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 05/01/2026 13:05

gamerchick · 05/01/2026 13:01

I've changed me mind. You're coming across as proper money focused OP. Knowing how much he's spending on everything is weird.

I spend money on myself all the time and i also spend on him sometimes and I offer to pay all the time too ,I would never spend my money on sb I didnt care about .

OP posts: