TW - termination

Those existing children may want a baby brother or sister. As I said before, the benefits to those children may be tremendous and I would argue is a priority

I had one because my partner did not want another child, it's the biggest regret I have, I love being a mum, and it's something I wanted but was worried, and nervous and felt like I should make the "right choice" my daughter is desperate for a sibling and I could have made it work. Needless to say i think about that baby every single day.

Do I wish my sister who is already here who I grew up with had never been born? Er no obviously not. Would I give a shit if I found out my mum had had multiple abortions, meaning I lost out on various “siblings”. Not a chance and I know this because I know she did have abortions and I genuinely feel no sorrow at all. Heck i actually I think my mum should have aborted me, objectively speaking. My dad was the least ideal choice for a father imaginable and she made her life very difficult.

And another MANY will say, they wished they didn't have an extra one. But again, its not the other dcs choice

I personally feel this is a very odd way of looking at reasons for termination.

Op may decide to terminate due to finances. Thats not on the other dc at all. This feels like a pro-life argument as does the rest of the post. They are just as likely to resent OP for having a 3rd dc if they have to "look out for a younger sibling" that they didnt ask for.

Decision must come from the OP

I support the OPs decision for financial reasons. But this your friend's husband's siblings are crazy. What a toxic family.

I think rather than catastrophising and thinking both options are shit, frame them both as good options and see which one you’re happier with. Taking the panic out of the situation makes it easier.

Lots of positives towards having a termination - more money, more attention for your existing children, you’ll have one child a lot younger than the other ones, you’ll have your own time back a lot sooner when your existing children are grown up. If you choose this option, then just remind yourself every day of why you chose it and don’t let yourself guilt spiral and beat yourself up about it. It’s an absolutely fine option to choose and nothing to feel guilty about.

However, you love being a mum and a new baby would be fine, you’d make it work somehow because once they’re here you kind of have to.

I never thought I could have a termination and I did. I don’t regret it for a second, years later I can see how it would have had a terrible impact on the children I already had. But that’s me, go with whichever option you think would be best long term for you and your marriage/family. Either is fine and you’ll be ok whatever happens.

I think the point is that money (if you have enough to have a child) shouldn't be used as a reason to terminate. Many children have happy and amazing childhoods that didn't go to Disneyland. This is an excuse.

Make a choice based on your feelings - everything else can be sorted out.

This. You can't win, there's threads about people being irresponsible choosing to have a baby when there are real issues about future financial stability and then you have this thread where someone has read the op and incorrectly reduced it to that the op wants to go on holiday.

Ultimately the choice is yours and you do what feels correct for your and your family. You and your husband need to have a frank discussion and implications of both choices and you both need to be honest about how you may both have feelings of resentment.

I think I view this as a first world problem. There is a big difference
in outlook between those whose life style sees any one who doesn't go on multiple holidays to foreign destinations as deprived to those of us who see holidays as fun and desirable if possible but not a necessity.

My view is you can provide a child with a happy , loving life style which is rich in experience , without throwing money at them. Foreign holidays aren't a necessity for providing a good life for a child in my view. A loving and supportive home environment is though.

Oh, this truly is nonsense. My mother has had abortions, plural (very normal in her country, and a constitutionally protected right) and I’ve never felt sadness or guilt over this. Why would I? She had the children she wanted, and didn’t have the ones she didn’t. I would not swap the life she, and my father, gave my brother and I for reduced circumstances and an extra sibling.

Like it or not money, and what it both provides and insulates against, is important.

Hi OP, i was in your situation 6 years ago, with an unplanned child (DD3). I absolutely didn't want to terminate and obviously didn't, but it essentially means our outgoings are very tight now and occasionally I feel a bit selfish in my decision. My DH and parents both said i should consider an abortion.

I agree with others to look at the bigger picture with regards to financial support, future health impact, job security etc as these are all the most important considerations. Having said this, i would have totally regretted a termination and couldnt imagine life now without our amazing and wonderful third child.

Best of luck, I hope you make the right decision for your family ❤️

What in the pro-life bullshit is this post?

But foreign holidays are important. Materialistic reasons are important. Having a baby isn't just about giving birth and hoping for the best. You should want to be able to give your kids all the things that enrich their childhoods and make them well-rounded adults. Obviously holidays was an example (or was obvious to the rest of us) but what about day trips, sports clubs, never having privacy in your home as a teenager because there just isn't enough space? I appreciate not everyone is in a position to do this for their kids but it is a valid concern.

Surely you can see that this isn’t what the OP is saying though? She’s saying that if she has another child, then she looses the ability to provide those experiences for her existing children, something they’ve all clearly been looking forward to, as a family unit, and is worried about the potentially detrimental effects this would have for them all. To me that seems very valid, life isn’t about scraping by and existing, and a mother wanting to give her children the best possible life can only be viewed as a good thing.

That's an actual baby living in their house though. Obviously they aren't going to say they wish it wasn't aborted!

OP only you can make this decision. Not your DH and not strangers on the internet..

Going from 2 children to 3 is huge especially when there is a large age gap, the impact is like going from no children to having children. All the mountain of equipment you need, the space it takes up. Will the older children have to now share a room ? So much to consider. Another child will impact the lives of all of you in every way and every day. Your Husband has concerns and he is right to have them but your feelings and thoughts are equal too. This isn't just about a cute baby this is about another child, a toddler, a school age child, a teen. Please focus on the big picture not just the very very short newborn stage. Good luck with whatever path you take x

I completely empathise as I think if I were to accidentally fall pregnant then I would be in exactly the same boat as you with regards to how my DH and I would feel.

I’ve not been in your situation (although have had a termination when younger at uni) but I think whatever you do, you need to make the decision alone and own it. I’m afraid it is your decision alone to make and to live with and your DH needs to be on board with that. Otherwise it risks being an issue in your marriage and that will impact your existing kids far more than an extra sibling would.

Best of luck.

Absolute rot. The priorities of existing children should ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.

I can't speak from experience but I have thought about this a lot because my husband really does want a third and would be very happy if an accident occurred. However, I'm the more practical one. As secure as we are at the moment, we just couldn't afford the same lifestyle if we had a third. That includes holidays (and yes that is an absolute valid reason). Don't underestimate life experiences, hobbies and clubs, days out, all enrich a child's life. For me it's not about just having a baby, it's creating the whole life that goes with it - if you're lucky enough to be able to provide it. The biggest deciding factor for me however, would be my existing kids. They're a bit younger than yours and I think would love the idea of a baby in the family but obviously don't realise the reality of that. They are the best of friends and get on so well, I honestly don't think I could disrupt the perfectly balanced ecosystem we have going on.

Only you can decide what is right for your family and despite everything I've just said, I've no doubt a new baby would be loved and would enrich your lives but everyone has different priorities.

You don’t support her right to choose, you support her right to choose within the confines of what you believe is a legitimate reason.

You are putting words into my mouth.
I fully support OP's right to chose. Her body her choice. I expressed my personal repugnance on foreign holidays being more important than a potential child but if that is what OP wants to make her decision on that is her right. And in another post I said if foreign holidays are more important to her than the potential child then having an abortion would be the right decision.

As I, and pp have said, the most concerning thing about this situation is the pressure OP is getting from her H to terminate.

There seems to be some spectacular missing of the point on this thread, and people using that to push their own (not very pro-choice) agenda. The OP is clearly a thoughtful person who is struggling with a difficult choice, she wants to make the best decision for her, her husband and her existing children - which includes being able to provide experiences and a higher quality of life for them. I honestly think that should be applauded and not condemned.

I think about what I would do in this situation often as my kids are teens now. I have always been pro choice but quietly always said to myself I could never terminate but that has changed recently. I have spent many years raising my children and I just don't know if I would be physically or mentally able enough to go all the way back again.

I do know a woman who had a surprise baby at 50 though and they seem happy enough but they also have a large income.

It's really tricky. Personally, I think I could square it in my own mind if it was very early in the pregnancy. There is no right answer but I hope whatever you choose it works out ok for you x

Failed contraception aside, both are responsible.

Tbh, I think OP you're incredibly smart thinking this through so well and the impact it would have on you all. Yes, finances should be taken into account of any decision making, children are very expensive and please don't feel bad by any comments negative on this. What you are deciding is a deeply personal issue and nobody other than hubby, should be part of what you plan to do together.

For my own experience, I won a place at university as a more 'mature' student aged 23. I didn't do so well at school, so I worked in the field I wanted to get into, really hard and studied at night school. Then I discovered I was pregnant, through the only one night stand I'd ever had. I terminated because having a child was not on my radar and I really didn't want to be a single parent and all the very hard struggles that brings. Even when I got ovarian cancer when I was 29/30 and lost the ability of children, I do not regret it. I sometimes wonder what may have been, but that decision was right for me at the time.