Would you separate in these circumstances

PinkertonRab · 2026-01-04T22:26:16+00:00

AIBU to want a divorce? I’ll try keep it short. Together 20 years in total since our early 20s. 4 children aged 11, 8, 5 and 3. I’m the main breadwinner (we both work) but also completely fed up with doing 90% of all household tasks and 100% of mental load and DIY. We have argued about this forever. Sometimes DH improves for a short while with washing and hoovering but it rarely lasts. More recently, he genuinely believes he is actually doing his fair share - it’s delusional but he’ll wash up once and then refer back to it in the argument when I say I’m sick of him doing nothing. He’s an excellent dad and hands on with school run and playing with kids but that also means he’s the ‘fun’ parent while I remind them to tidy their room or brush their teeth. He’s a kind person who I know loves me works full time (longer hours than me) and can do some tasks if I ask. But there is inability to see any task that needs doing, and unable, and seemingly unwilling to learn any basic diy. If I don’t fix it, it stays broke. I deal with all admin, bills, insurance, holidays etc I am just so tired of the same argument. If it hasn’t changed in 20 years then it isn’t going to. I’m worn out, snappy, fed up. My life would run so much smoother without chasing round after an overgrown child who takes no responsibility for anything. If I hadn’t have taken the Christmas tree down, I’d be willing to bet it would stay up til this Christmas. Both DH and the kids would be devastated if we split. Is this just how life is? I’m not looking for perfect or anything exciting- just an actual partner doing their share. He creates more work for me. I’ve lost respect and am noticable withdrawn from relationship but feel awful breaking up family when he’s not done anything ‘wrong’ and like I’m selfish. YABU - this is life and not worth the upset to the kids YANBU - a divorce is best long term

financialcareerstuff · 26/01/2026 15:37

Ah that’s good news, OP. Can I ask what the app is? It sounds handy!

Reddog1 · 26/01/2026 13:36

I’m glad to read of the improvement. He obviously realised that you were serious about divorce and at the end of your tether. I think you did the right thing, giving him one last chance.

Itsmetheflamingo · 26/01/2026 13:29

Thechaseison71 · 26/01/2026 12:55

And what if the mother doesn't want them 24/7 either?

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Then it’s a race to see who can get away first.

whoever is left standing would have to do a shit enough job that SS would take the children

exhaustDAD · 26/01/2026 13:03

@Thechaseison71 That is a very fair point, truly, I agree with you. And a 100% agree it should never be on one parent alone just because they other lacks in the responsibility department. But as a parent, your comfort and leisure comes second to the children's needs... So, for example, if my wife and I divorced, and she wants to disappear, not be part of the kids' lives... Well, the fact that I wouldn't wish to get 100% of the time matters very little, as they kids would need me. My point was that - staying with this same very much made-up example -If my wife wouldn't want to spend time with the kids in a 50/50 setup, I would not want to put my kids in a situation where they are forced to spend time with a person that does not even want to be around them. Does that make sense?

Thechaseison71 · 26/01/2026 12:55

exhaustDAD · 26/01/2026 11:59

I agree with you @Thechaseison71 . It does force the mothers to be stuck with the kids more. And it is not fair, totally agree. But let me rephrase it in another way.. If I got a divorce with my wife, and I was the type of moron who wouldn't want to be with my kids 50/50, that is selfish, and worrying too, as they are my kids, I should want to spend as much time with them as I can. I think everyone agrees. But looking at it from the other side, and not focussing on just the "me, my time, not fair for me" - aspect, would anyone want to force the children they love to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them? I don't know about you, I sure as hell wouldn't. It is not fair on the kids, to break their little hearts, having to experience someone around them who clearly doesn't want them around.. Does that make sense? Getting what's "fair" I think is not worth putting one's kids through something like that.

Edited

And what if the mother doesn't want them 24/7 either?

LamentableShoes · 26/01/2026 12:28

PinkertonRab · 26/01/2026 10:59

Some progress has been made. We did get a household app which has made quite a bit of difference. The first week I had 200 odd ‘points’ vs his 40 which I think came as a shock to him. To see it so clearly has made him step up. The app also alerts you to the jobs that need doing so I didn’t feel like I was nagging so much.

we’ve also had a frank discussion about money, tasks in general, the mental load and just how over it I was feeling.

the contribution has improved, which means I’m less stressed and things feel better. I am still unsure on how long this will last but by addressing these more superficial issues, I can reflect on the general relationship without this clouding things.

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That does sound like an improvement. If it was genuine shock and realisation then hopefully he feels some guilt about saying you were wrong (that being his default assumption would be next on my list to explore....)

Delphiniumandlupins · 26/01/2026 12:22

Well done OP. Sounds like you have managed to make him see some on the imbalance without adding too much to your own load.

I liked a PP's suggestion that any outsourced tasks (like cleaning, gardening or DIY) should be paid for in cash by your DH. Even if you have a joint bank account actually handing over notes (or even being responsible for setting up bank transfers) would make him more aware of the cost of things.

HappyAsASandboy · 26/01/2026 12:05

I am in a similar position, though after an honest chat about me wanting time apart a few years ago, he has stepped up a lot on all the chores/school runs etc.

He has mostly sustained the improvements for 2+ years!

My problem is that I still don’t want to be in a relationship with him. We are coparents and housemates only, and I don’t want to be housemates any more!

But as you say, he hasn’t really done anything wrong …. except stood by and left me to carry it all for years on end until I don’t love him any more and I don’t enjoy living with him. Why is it so hard to leave someone for that?

exhaustDAD · 26/01/2026 11:59

I agree with you @Thechaseison71 . It does force the mothers to be stuck with the kids more. And it is not fair, totally agree. But let me rephrase it in another way.. If I got a divorce with my wife, and I was the type of moron who wouldn't want to be with my kids 50/50, that is selfish, and worrying too, as they are my kids, I should want to spend as much time with them as I can. I think everyone agrees. But looking at it from the other side, and not focussing on just the "me, my time, not fair for me" - aspect, would anyone want to force the children they love to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them? I don't know about you, I sure as hell wouldn't. It is not fair on the kids, to break their little hearts, having to experience someone around them who clearly doesn't want them around.. Does that make sense? Getting what's "fair" I think is not worth putting one's kids through something like that.

Rhaidimiddim · 26/01/2026 11:57

PinkertonRab · 04/01/2026 22:50

But it would be my mess! The other day he ate breakfast and then dashed to work leaving a grill pan to clean, sides to wipe, used the last of the bread!

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That would be the final straw for me.

The thoughtlessness, the taking-it-for-granted that the Hogwarts elves would tidy up after him and magic up a new loaf. That behaviour is actually something of an insult to you in its level of disregard and entitlement.

Thechaseison71 · 26/01/2026 11:51

exhaustDAD · 26/01/2026 11:46

I think any man who wouldn't want 50/50 custody of the kids is lacking as a father. But, question. Those who don't want 50/50 - Why would you want to "make" them? It's like trying to force someone to want to spend time with someone... I get it, it's about responsibilities, but at the same time, it would break my heart if the other parent would need to be forced to be with the kids.. And you better believe the children will sense it too.

But by the father's not doing 50/50 surely it's " forcing" the mothers to be stuck with kids constantly

Thechaseison71 · 26/01/2026 11:51

Umy15r03lcha1 · 26/01/2026 11:42

You can't make them.

But if they're out of the picture post divorce at least you have autonomy and no man child to manage on top of everything you're already doing anyway.

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So many posters here though say " well seperate then he has to have kids 50% of the time" I would've loved that with my eldest 2 but their dad didn't bother with them at alk

exhaustDAD · 26/01/2026 11:46

I think any man who wouldn't want 50/50 custody of the kids is lacking as a father. But, question. Those who don't want 50/50 - Why would you want to "make" them? It's like trying to force someone to want to spend time with someone... I get it, it's about responsibilities, but at the same time, it would break my heart if the other parent would need to be forced to be with the kids.. And you better believe the children will sense it too.

Umy15r03lcha1 · 26/01/2026 11:42

Thechaseison71 · 26/01/2026 11:11

How do you make the men take 50/50 custody if they are unwilling though?

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You can't make them.

But if they're out of the picture post divorce at least you have autonomy and no man child to manage on top of everything you're already doing anyway.

Itsmetheflamingo · 26/01/2026 11:20

PinkertonRab · 04/01/2026 22:38

I have done this once, around 2 years ago and I felt it was a real wake up call. But within maybe 2 months it all slipped back.

We argue more often and during the arguments I’ll often say I am sick of it and want a divorce but it’s not taken seriously in the moment of an argument.

Ive thought about counselling but partly, I just don’t have time (or a babysitter - no family close by). I also believe he won’t present a truthful version to the counsellor as he seems to have such a false narrative around what he contributes

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Similar reasons for divorce here

we and I imagine most people don’t get counselling until it’s too late really. You have to be prepared for a long term commitment to talking to each other and treating each other differently. It’s hard work and if you’ve already “decided” it’s probably too hard to start now and spend 6 months learning how to get along.

but I just wanted to assure- him lying, not engaging- he wont get away with it. The counsellor will deal with this everyday.

most counsellors do online if that’s useful

Thechaseison71 · 26/01/2026 11:11

summitfever · 04/01/2026 22:53

Ugh I was you op, it gives me the heave thinking back to it. Separate, give him 50/50 custody and use your free half of the week to find some joy in your life and have peace while he’s forced to do his sodding job as a parent and adult. He can’t sustain the partner role so cut your losses and see what you can rebuild while you’re young. I’m still single 4 years post divorce and not sure I’d even want another partner. I’m 42 and much much happier. I don’t even have the luxury of a coparent as he’s useless and I’m still happier!

How do you make the men take 50/50 custody if they are unwilling though?

CancelledAgainHeadache · 26/01/2026 11:06

I would be more likely to leave my husband over unfairness in domestic labour, than I would with a one-off affair. Genuinely.

exhaustDAD · 26/01/2026 11:03

Whatever the long-term outcome is when it comes to the relationship itself, this is definitely great to hear, @PinkertonRab

Original poster

PinkertonRab · 26/01/2026 10:59

LamentableShoes · 18/01/2026 10:03

How's it going OP @PinkertonRab - has any progress been made?

Some progress has been made. We did get a household app which has made quite a bit of difference. The first week I had 200 odd ‘points’ vs his 40 which I think came as a shock to him. To see it so clearly has made him step up. The app also alerts you to the jobs that need doing so I didn’t feel like I was nagging so much.

we’ve also had a frank discussion about money, tasks in general, the mental load and just how over it I was feeling.

the contribution has improved, which means I’m less stressed and things feel better. I am still unsure on how long this will last but by addressing these more superficial issues, I can reflect on the general relationship without this clouding things.

OP posts:

mamajong · 18/01/2026 10:31

Read your post back and i think you have your answer. If you split you say kids and dh would be devestated, not that you wouod, and you dezerve to bd happy.

If you split thpugh you will be responsible for it all solo - are you ready for that and is that what you want?

Would a trial.separation work?

LamentableShoes · 18/01/2026 10:03

How's it going OP @PinkertonRab - has any progress been made?

Caiti19 · 05/01/2026 13:30

HighThere · 05/01/2026 11:42

I feel as if I’ve been trained for decades by an all male household to be direct and not expect them to mind read. They prefer this as they instantly understand what is needed and the situation doesn’t drag on, hence my previous comment. Good luck OP.

This is so true. It's irritating as hell, but I now accept this as fact. We are often like two different species with brains operating in completely different, often opposing, ways.

HighThere · 05/01/2026 11:42

I feel as if I’ve been trained for decades by an all male household to be direct and not expect them to mind read. They prefer this as they instantly understand what is needed and the situation doesn’t drag on, hence my previous comment. Good luck OP.

Original poster

PinkertonRab · 05/01/2026 09:17

Just finished reading through all the responses and it feels like the inside of my head!

Don’t split up a family if maybe counselling and apps will work and there’s love there. But also, he won’t change now and you’ll be happier if you cut your losses. The 65/35 split is where I’m at!

To cover a few points, my eldest son and daughter help with putting washing away and emptying dishwasher. I actually feel my son steps up as he sees me drowning which I feel bad about.

Money is tricky. For a long time we earned roughly the same (and both above average) so we just had a shared pot. Despite my earnings doubling around 4 years ago, we kept the shared pot. All the bills come out and we spend what’s left on what we want. Any cleaner etc would just come out of the joint pot and so he wouldn’t feel a hit. I have wondered about splitting the finances as do feel he has no concept of what things cost.

What do I love? This feels hard to answer which is telling. We went through a shared traumatic event and so there is an element of trauma bonding I’m sure. We do have shared values and I do find myself wanting to tell him about certain things as I know he’ll laugh in the same way, or have the same view.

He is selfish. His whole family are. Not in a nasty way but it’s like they just can’t think about other people first unless it is directly pointed out.

Still feeling so torn but this has been so useful in terms of saying it out loud and hearing both sides of the choice.

OP posts:

SugarCoatSandwich · 05/01/2026 08:06

he genuinely believes he is actually doing his fair share - it’s delusional

&

I also believe he won’t present a truthful version to the counsellor as he seems to have such a false narrative around what he contributes

^ these tell you very clearly what the problem is: that he believes, really truly believes^, he is doing his share. So there is nothing for him to change.

But you also say you love him but that you'd be a happier mum without him.

So I think try the chores app. Have a big talk. Try to basically document how hard you've tried. Allocate him jobs whenever you're doing one (I know you shouldn't have to though) and it will offer you comfort that you tried everything if you do ever split.