16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

A friend of mine left home at 16 (this was 2010ish so a while ago!) and lived in a hostel type place, you got your own bedsit-type set up with a small kitchen to yourself. Financially she was fine as 99% of the bills/rent was covered, she got income support, EMA for attending college (don’t think that one exists anymore) and also wage from a part-time job. No idea if it would be the same nowadays.

My boss’s daughter used to say this. It’s because she didn’t understand the practicalities. She’s 19 and still living at home.
She’s more likely to do that if she thinks you’ll support her by paying her rent (?!).
You just have to remain calm and continue parenting her. I understand it’s a worrying situation for you.

If she’s stropping over washing a plate, how on earth is she going to cope working 8 hours a day 5 days a week to pay rent, council tax etc?

I used to say this all the time to my wonderful mum. I said it in the full knowledge that it would hurt her, knowing full well that she wouldn't want me to leave and that I had a fantastic, secure, loving home for as long as I wanted with her and my darling dad. I said it purely for attention. I was a teenager having a teenage strop. I'd have absolutely crapped myself (for want of a better word) if they'd called my bluff and told me to go if that's what I wanted and that they'd help me rent somewhere etc. I'd have been terrified. My own son used to make similar threats too when he was about that age and I always replied that if he really wanted to leave, then I couldn't stop him but I'd be very sad and that this was his home and we loved him and we'd miss him terribly if he went. He's 25 now and he's still not gone yet!

I ended up living in a hostel at 16 and had to claim hardship allowance because I wasn't old enough to claim regular benefits then. I lived in a shared room for around 5months until they moved me into a little bedsit.
While in the hostel we still had to help with cleaning and things. Also there wasn't tv in our rooms only in the communal area and our dinners were eaten in the dining rooms too (this was about 15 years ago) I don't think many teenagers would choose to live like that unless they had no choice
I didn't have the choice to go back home but I definitely would have!!

I would suggest not offering any help and then she will see how difficult it is to move out at 16, trying to find a place to rent without help is nearly impossible and the council won't help because she isn't technically homeless

And im sure if shes thinking of staying with friends that won't last long.

I am a foster carer and two years ago was asked to look after a 16 year old who had walked out of home after a breakdown of the relationship with her parents. There was no neglect or abuse involved. After sofa surfing in friend's houses, the local authority were called and she was able to voluntary put herself into care. And then she came to us, where two years later she remains.

Don’t even engage in the discussion just say hopefully that’ll work out for you let’s wait till your 16 and we’ll see then change the conversation

She wouldn’t be entitled to any temporary accommodation as you’re not kicking her out. The council will just tell her to go home. Don’t entertain it. I kept a diary at 15 and wrote about counting down to my 16th birthday so I could move out. My job when I was 16 paid £3.50ph. I could barely afford an outfit from top shop never mind rent.

Exactly this then sit with her and write down the cost of each bill and then ask her to start looking at jobs she is going to apply for she will need to work a lot of hours to afford this she will soon realise life is expensive and nothing is free

I’m sure many teenagers say they’re moving out as soon as they’re 16.. but as parents we don’t actually believe them, it’s a typical overreaction to us giving them boundaries they don’t want.

She cannot hold a tenancy agreement until 18, so she would end up in social care semi independent lodgings and would have to sign herself into care under a section 20 agreement .

I understand you can apply to join the army at 16, and as you said previously there are 'boarding ' type 6th form/fe colleges that offer agricultural /animal care courses.

Realistically, if she wants to do this at 16 it would have to be something where she is training in some thing like this. I don't know if any thing else similar exists..

I think your first response to ‘fix it’ for her is the root of the problem. She’s not happy, you want to throw money at it to solve her problem.

I think all teens want to leave home but not face the reality of actually doing so.

I agree with others if she’s not going for the boarding school route - you just need to give her some pointers.

Write down a list of costs, rent, bills, phone, food and ask her how she plans in supporting herself.

She can get ready for this by buying and cooking her own food, doing her own washing, cleaning her room etc.

How does she afford things now? If you are paying for anything, stop it now - she wants to be treated like an adult, let her start now, adulting is expensive!

What you do is ask her how she is going to find somewhere to live, how she is going to pay for it, ask her how she is going to get to school, how she is going to afford to eat and buy essentials such as food, toiletries and clothes etc etc which are all things taken care of when you’re a teenager living at home but not when you choose to move out and be independent.

She clearly hasn’t thought through the practicalities- get her to consider these questions and I’m sure she’ll realise the grass won’t be greener and that it’s so completely impractical that it’s not even an option.

Tell her to look on Rightmove or SpareRoom to see how much rent is in your area.

I'd encourage the army route, sounds just the thing for her. Sit down with her and look at going - she may actually change her mind if she thinks youre behind it?

OP, as you're no doubt aware, the next two years are quite crucial for her in terms of her education. (Whether that's A-Levels or some kind of train while you work deal, or Btec etc).

Maybe you could point out to her how important the next two years are, and say it's not a great time for the upheaval of leaving home, and that she'll be free to go to uni at 18 anyway, if that's what she wants. Tell her that she'll have far, far more opportunities and a much nicer housing situation if she just focuses on doing as well as she can for the next two years and then moves out. (Whether for study, job, training,)

And if you make the focus on her education and on setting herself up as best she can for a good future, maybe it would take the heat out of the whole housing thing.

Even if you did pay for a nice flat for her, and all her expenses, the distractions and the lifestyle change would surely have a negative impact on her studying.

Maybe say to her, OK, I know you want to move out at 16, but it's not going to do your future any favours at all. You're far better off focusing on your studies for the next two years and then leaving home in a vastly better position than you would be leaving at 16.

Would she listen to that kind of reason?

I'm not sure it is helpful for you to look ahead since you don't know exactly what she will do when it comes to it. Maybe she will do nothing. Maybe she will ask a friend if she can move in with them. Maybe she will do some proper research and find out what's available to her at her age, then apply to a hostel or whatever. But it sounds more like an empty threat made without any genuine intention or planning.
Oh God, teenagers! I hope she comes through this and leaves home more sensibly when she's a bit older.

Put the rent money on family therapy.

You'll all be happier in the long run if you engage with it.

Or get her a therapist for herself.

It's insane and scary isn't it. My DD (16) has several friends she has met online via friends of friends of friends who are her age and are living independently on benefits. It sounds like their lives are awful and abortion is a frequent topic of conversation, but DD thinks they are living the dream because that is how they paint it.

Apparently one of the girls has said that if DD moves in with her she will cover the cost of everything with her benefits (including DD's phone) and DD actually believes this could be a viable option for the future. I have pointed out all the flaws in this plan, but at that age DD is convinced this could work.

Despite what this sounds like, DD is not that type of girl (she was given alcohol once by one of her friend's parents (actually one of her former teachers from a posh private school) and hated it, she has tried vaping with friends but does not vape, has never tried cigarettes or drugs and is a virgin) and is actually quite sensible in those respects so I am not concerned she will actually move in with these girls, but I do worry that she has grown up with a closeted life and doesn't understand reality. Just today she was telling me that she will never live in a flat and wants a big house with multiple bathrooms (she won't share a bathroom even with her huband) and plans to drive a Range Rover because small cars make her feel car sick. This for a girl who left school without a single GCSE. When we point out that all of this is possible if she works hard she just argues that that is really unfair. 🙄

Sorry, I went into over-sharing mode there, but my point is that girls at that age can have unrealistic plans, but I doubt she will follow through on them, and in three years time you will still have a grumpy teenager under your roof threatening to move out and then stuffing her face with crisps you have bought.

Good luck OP!

It shows you the teenage mind. She gets annoyed at cleaning a plate but somehow thinks she won't have to do that and more if she was living independently.

All the best OP! I hope things work out.

I can answer all of this unfortunately from personal recent experience.

The ONLY way she can leave home at 16 is if someone is willing to take her in. It can be anyone and nobody will bring her home. Despite the fact that legally she’s still your responsibility, you have no right to actually exercise any power. If she leaves, nobody will make her return. ‘Anyone’ could actually be a number of people whose sofas/spare rooms she surfs between.

However she cannot rent her own place, cannot be named on any contracts so can’t have electricity, gas, phone accounts etc. You also couldn’t guarantor her a flat. She cannot rent anything - that’s a fact.

She could present to the council as homeless but they’ll try to persuade you to take her back, they won’t just give her accommodation. If she won’t come back, they still won’t give her a flat, it would be essentially a group home for teens, because she’s under 18.

If you want any more details, happy for you to PM but I won’t post anything else publicly for obvious reasons.

You'd be mad to pay rent. What about food overheads clothes tech? Don't fund it. Do ask her for her plans. I have a 15yo and if I offered to bankroll his life from his own cushy flat he'd be pretty pleased. He'd still be back for meals laundry and for me to pay for everything.

Because she’s their daughter and they love her. Obviously.

Our daughter did this. We supported her as best we could, through some very difficult times.

14 years on, she’s married to an excellent man with a wonderful child, owns her own home and is embarking on her MA next year (having dropped out of school at 15).

Do whatever you can to support her, OP.

If she has a very specific and niche academic plan, then she's not going to leave school and get a job and try to rent somewhere.

She's not going to be taken into care or housed by the council.

I'd be supportive but not get into details. My only worry would be if there's an adult boyfriend lurking around.