16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

Easy to end up living like this

Marc Singer
Dark Days

m.imdb.com/title/tt0235327/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk

I think that actually you do need to go back to the question of why she is saying this.

You seem to think that she would rather be on the streets that live at home?

I left home at 17. I claimed benifits on the basis that I was estranged from my parents due to a different in cultural beliefs. Their behave was considered abusive. I had to live in emergency accommodation. Then in a room in a shared accommodation with other single, homeless young people. It was hard. I lost a lot of weight because I couldn't afford to eat properly. However, I was very self sufficient and cook cook , clean, understood bill paying ect. I think you will be doing her a disservice if you facilitate this. She isn't in danger. She isnt being abused. She's being a teenager. I'd let her be uncomfortable and see all the privileges she has in the family home. Setting her up in a flat is going to make her vulnerable to cookooing. Her place will be the hub for all and sundry and all the undesirable crap they get upto.

There are videos created by people who live in America.
One guy helps people in return for their life stories, simple 5 minute videos.
Another guy helps the homeless get back onto their feet, he funds rehab, find their families & accommodation. So you see the before & after lives of these people.
Some of these people have been homeless since 14 or younger & it is heart breaking, they are older now.

If you are someone that is interested in sociology, people & how society lives, these are a reality check.

These are darker than the "MTV pregnant at 16" TV programmes.

I have met lots of weird & wonderful people myself. However, not everyone is kind, honest or reliable out there. Your DD is probably not very street savvy.

No. Don’t do that.

As someone who moved out at 15 due to an unpleasant relationship with parents it was certainly doable due to a fortunate set of circumstances where a good friend’s parents owned a few properties and were happy to allow me to stay in one for minimal rent and keeping the place up. I also had a job so paying rent and bills wasn’t an issue.

I doubt your DD has the means or luck to pull this off but I just wanted to chip in and say moving out was the space we all needed and looking back I was a difficult teenager but am now on great terms with my mum & dad so don’t lose all hope, the teenage years are the worst

She's got all the advice she needs on the thread already, don't waste your friends' time

I’m not sure if this will help, but I was the same at 16. I was going to move out (with reluctant parental support, much the same as you). But I didn’t. The reality of it was far harsher than what was in my immature imagination. I’m 40 now, fairly well adjusted and have a fantastic relationship with my parents and siblings, a stark contrast to 16 year old me. If you’re able to ride it out, definitely try to do so. Also counselling for your daughter might be worthwhile. All the best to you

I wouldn’t be enabling this at all or making it any easier for her. I’m pretty sure at her age she can’t claim benefits which means she can’t rent anywhere and would need you to pay it, which you won’t (or you shouldn’t).
If she tries to present as homeless I think she would quickly come to the attention of social work services, who wouldn’t entertain her because she hasn’t been kicked out or had to leave for welfare reasons.
Tell her to stop being such a silly, entitled brat.

Why not let her test this by doing her own laundry, cooking and washing up, maybe also food shopping, while she’s still 15 to get a taste of being independent. Ask her to show how she would support herself, income, rent, bills, food etc and ask her to show she’s ready to leave and be independent. This may give her the feeling of responsibility that she craves and also help her see how much better off she is staying with her family for another couple of years.

I would probably sit her down & ask her what her expectations are, where she will live/pay for it etc. I would also try and determine why she wants to. Like annoying younger siblings/lack of space.

as a sensible measure, do you have space in your back yard where you could put one of them portacabin like buildings, make it a little home for her/independent space so she has that freedom but also still has you there if needed.

you being supportive towards her will be a better action than conflict and trying to stop her as it could fracture the relationship

Rescuing a 16 year old from poor choices if at all possible is part of what parenting is about.

Just to point out if she chooses to leave home which is a safe environment then I'm pretty sure she won't be considered homeless and the council won't help her as she does have a safe home to go back to. The system is packed full with people who are truly homeless and/ or escaping domestic violence which don't have places to go. Show her listings of places she can privately rent and all associated costs involved and then the average salary a 16 year old can achieve.

Of course you don’t want her to be unsafe, but by paying her rent you run the risk of indulging her tantrum (assuming she has no good reason for wanting to leave home) and making the living-on-her-own experience unrealistically pleasant.

As a social worker who has come across this in practice...

1. Local authorities will not give her her own tenancy until she is 18
2. Could private rent in practice but unlikely to find a landlord who would agree this in a competitive rental market
3. If she presents as homeless a social worker will likely call you and say she is your child, your responsibility you need to take her back. Or explore your wider family to see who else she could stay with.
4. If in the unlikely event the local authority agree to accommodate her, she can agree to this herself but will likely to have follow even more rules and restrictions and will have tk budget on about £60 a week for food, activities, essentials and travel.

I found my life at home intolerable when I was a teenager. I was saved by the fact that a friends Mum took me in. My parents paid a sum for my board and lodging until I finished my A levels. That woman saved my life.

And it costs the LA money to fund it too. And the ones that need it most will be prioritised, the ones that quite frankly have a sh* home life, with stories so sad and horrible of parental neglect , abusive (physically, mentally , emotional & sexual & sometimes all of those ) often due to a multiplicity of reasons . They aren't going to give a stroppy teen a flat , when she has all she ever needed and more at home , with loving parents who obviously bend over backwards for her to meet her every need and whim (ok , maybe too much in this case, but it is clear that op is a good mum , who worries and makes allowances (including monetarily ) about her kid's safety ) that had a tantrum about washing up a plate. She'll grow out of it. Its a developmental thing to be an arse up until you are about 18, maybe to even your mid 20s when u bloody release a) How expensive life is b) How stupidly hard and tedious things are for a grown adult and therefore what an arseh u were to parents who gave you everything and still did it , even when u were an arse*.
Forgive the abbreviations, I am lazy, have adhd, and am eating pizza with a cat balanced on my sofa whilst typing this msg.

Does she currently do her own ?

Laundry (is expensive at a laundrette, not all accommodation comes with its own washing machine/drier)
Cooking
Have any access to her own money/budget ?

I left home at 17 (though I had been at boarding school since I was 13). I lived in a shared flat in London and then in a flat by myself at age 18. It wasn’t a life of luxury but it was okay and quite fun, I had a job and spending money and never got into debt (much to my parents surprise), I even managed to save a bit.

'ok then if that's what you want. We'll miss you obviously. just know you've always got a home here...' then leave her to get on with it.
Don't bother doing her planning/budgeting/house hunting for her.
She'll either: A. Change her mind right at the last minute. B. Go stay at a mate's for a week before crawling back. C. Do the thing that kids who actually feel they need to leave home do and contact the council, social services, whoever can help (be prepared for her to have lied in order to get help so figure out if you'll support that or not - I'd suggest not because it will mean hostel or other unpleasant accommodation, which someone else probably badly needs)

There has been some good advice towards the end of this thread - as others have said, if she presents to the council as homeless, she will be assessed under children's services and they will do their very best to convince her to come home (if they deem it safe), but if not they have a duty to house her, and it would likely be in supported accommodation which generally is not pleasant!

I would be proactive and self-refer into children's services. Explain your concerns. They may be able to allocate you to a child and family support worker who can speak to her about the reality of where she is likely to end up if she presents as homeless. They may also be able to offer some Family Group Conferencing sessions to support you to find a way forward together

Rescuing her from her poor choices would be a terrible parenting move. If she really is stubborn and silly enough to do this then let her try and realise her mistake. She will soon be home. Madness to pay rent!

I haven't read the full thread so it may have already been said, but perhaps she has someone lined up to move in with who won't let her until she is 'legal'.

That's how I ended up leaving home, and with the Internet giving her access to all sorts of people this is a possibility I think

If it helps, my daughter hated me at that age. We later found out the reason was nothing to do with us,it was an external factor. She eventually left home at 20, lives within 5 mins walk, we get on brilliantly.

There's something going on you're not aware of.

My middle daughter said this regularly from about 14 and a half to a week before she turned 16.
Then never mentioned it again.
For that 18 months I said that the moment she could pay her own way, she could leave home and surely it would be better all round!
She has gone on to be a perfectly normal adult.