16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

I was wondering what her social circle is like. Does she have a youth worker or support worker? It sounds like she could do with a neutral adult she can build a safe relationship with who can help her reflect on this and why it's not a great idea long term. Would family mediation be an option? Are the trust involved? Do you have any concerns about cse or cce - is she out late, do you know where she is, any unexplained money/ gifts etc? Have you been through her phone to rule out manipulation from a third party?

Without understanding the context of why she's saying these things, I think it actually makes it a bit harder to advise as there may or may not be additional support available to her. I think the difficulty you have is that obviously you don't want her moving out at 16 but at the same time, at 16 you'd be trying to teach them independence so when they are 18 they aren't moving out without the necessary skills. Is it possible she has undiagnosed sen/nd? Has she had any trauma/ is she adopted or care experienced in any way?

I think if it were me, I'd try to have a very rational conversation when she next brings it up, calmly and constructively and try to agree boundaries (with equal input from you and her and whoever else is in your home) and then you agree to stick to it. I'd agree a forefit, so if someone doesn't uphold their end of the bargain there is a consequence for them that's mutually agreed in advance so you don't need to 'nag'. And then I'd step back and try to give some space and focus on the relationship and improving it. If you can get to a workable place with that, then if at 16 she's still talking about moving out, you can start to prep with her for turning 18. I'd also offer to enrol her in a hobby like cadets or similar to occupy her time and create new friendships and practice discipline.

Any decent youth worker will be encouraging her to think these things through rationally and will maybe help her do the actual maths as well as consider her own behaviours.

Is there any other source of friction in your home? Is your partner (if you have one) parenting in a supportive way? Are you both on the same page?

Absolutely this. I moved out of my parents at 17 (with my boyfriend of the same age though which I know is different), I found it difficult at home, but also craved independence. I would talk through the options with her and show her that. you will support her whatever she chooses, this shouldn’t be through paying of the rent though.

Practically speaking, she will find it nigh on impossible to find anywhere to rent. She has no credit history and is legally still a child. I lived next door to a sort of halfway house of young care leavers and there was a 17 year old living there, as although she was very sensible and working full time, nowhere else would rent to her. (As an aside, although most of the kids there were lovely, there was a fair amount of underage drinking and drug use, fights and ambulance visits and one lad explained to me that he was sitting on the doorstep as his ankle tag wouldn’t let him leave the property!😂)

Is it worth getting a social worker involved if you don’t already have one? The council is probably the best bet but as she is suitably housed she will be a LONG way down the list.

Also, are you getting any support? It’s clearly very upsetting for you and you need to look after your own mental health to be able to parent a teenager with all those Big Feelings that she clearly has.

Good luck 🍀

This sounds remarkably similar to my sibling .. who was subsequently diagnosed with autism (presents very differently in teenage girls!). I'd look into it, and see if you think it matches up and try get assessment.

I've only read this first page but shocked at the way posters are talking about this girl and dismissing her feelings. For a child to want to get away from the family home so badly, they must be in a very dark place. I left home when I was 15 (this was 40 years ago) and was basically homeless. It was the best decision I've ever made. I had no help from ss or council.

My daughter's 17 year old friend did this.
She made herself homeless by staying this friends, social worker was then involved to try to repair relationship at home, then she was offered hostel or told sometimes a host family can take and I think at 18 she could go on a council flat list from those options.

She wouldn't get a choice to where accommodation was in the county, so could have been very isolated.

No one is going to rent a flat to a 16 year old, also she is too young to live alone. Do not help her. When she is older and realises how silly she was she will probably see it as crazy you helped her. It could all just be a cry for help, paying for her could reinforce the feelings that you don't want her there or that your relationship with her isn't worth fighting for. She isn't an adult with a fully developed brain. Unless she's experiencing abuse in your home then you should do everything you can to make her stay.

Instead try to work through why she feels home is such a bad place that she would rather be on her own. Maybe talk to her GP about the threats she is making and see if you can get some help.

Good luck, parenting teens is hard. This sounds really tough.

Because it's preferable to her just upping and leaving and her parents having no idea where she is and who she's with.
As the parent of a teenage runaway (she was found but it was the worst experience of my life, bar none) it makes absolute sense to me that OP would facilitate and support her daughter instead of laying down the law and potentially losing her forever.
it's very easy to judge but if you've never been there you have no idea.

Yeah, when I was fifteen I announced that I would be moving into a flat in Richmond upon Thames overlooking the Thames and driving a two seater Mercedes.

no one argued with me. Sigh.

I don’t have any answers - just wanted to say that I hope you’re ok - best as can be in this situation.

I recommend getting her some counselling.

My ds moved out aged 16 to do an apprenticeship. They paid his accommodation. Might this be an option for her?

She will need to declare herself homeless to the council & she will be eligible for emergency housing due to her age & vulnerability.
Social care will be involved & there ought to be some sort of supported accommodations. (Whether there's vacancies immediately is another matter)
It will vary a lot by area but there will be hostels which take young people from 16 - usually move on accommodation for young people in care or whose placements have broken down which can often be due to challenging behaviour.

They can be challenging environments & can be a steep learning curve for people who haven't grown up in care. Eg you come home drunk one night & it's not a telling off & grounding from mum, instead you pack your bags & take yourself down to the council office with your eviction letter.

I would talk to through with her & her social worker - if she isn't yet known to services she will need to be referred. Her social worker/key worker may be able to let her see the hostel set up & that might encourage her to work with you to stay at home.

The rent for hostel placements is very high due to the supported element (prob £2k a month) & they won't normally take private funding. Young people are placed by need rather than given a choice.

Op, sorry going in a different direction here but I think sorting out the issues amd getting outside help to do so is what you should do. you clearly have money to throw at the issue if you are happy to pay rent for her. I know you said you didnt want to discuss her reasons , and im not asking to know. Put a caravan in the garden , offer to separate her room up instead but we all know her moving out at the stroke of midnight on her 16th birthday is nonsense. Im taking your post at face value that the home is a safe environment for your child so surely the aim is to resolve the issues not cause more problems. you need to get to the bottom of the problems and find out why she has such a strong desire to leave.

Next time she says it ask her if she's started looking at unis yet. If she asks why then just feign surprise and said you thought that's what she meant.

She can present at housing as homeless, they would try and negotiate with you to get her home and alert social services who would do the same. She can ask to be accommodated in care aged 16/17 however it would be assessed and if it's judged not to be needed, the Local Authority would try and shut it down and push back. It's unlikely she would be offered accommodation especially if you say you want her at home.

I did this at 16. My parents wrote a letter to confirm they had kicked me out (they hadn’t - I just wanted to move out) I claimed what was then income support and housing benefit covered a rented room in a house share.

I look back and I wish my parents had kept me at home instead of facilitating my teenage whims. My home life wasn’t awful. I was just depressed and a bit lost. I also wouldn’t be offering to pay rent if my child was trying the same. If I had to bribe them to stay at home / in education I would be spending the money doing that

Marking the days off on the calendar is her trying to exert some control. If she really wanted to leave that much, she would have already left by now.

Actually she won't be able to rent at 18 without you either as she'll need a guarantor.

Have a look at jobs with her where she can live in or get accommodation included like housekeeping, pub, cruise ships, armed forces, agriculture, etc

Show you're into helping her achieve her ambitions.

Housing officers aren't social workers, it's not their job to assess risk. If a teen is disclosing actual risk of harm at home then a social worker will complete an assessment jointly with specialist young person's housing workers and potentially the teenager may become a looked after child in supported accommodation. But of course a housing officer will send them home if they have somewhere to live - they aren't homeless!

My son moved out at 16 to join the RAF. They did an apprenticeship that no one else offered. I know that’s not what your daughter is saying but maybe have a look at the different careers she could do.
After basic training she would be a lot more appreciative of home!

That's insane. If you don't pay her rent she can't go. Why would you facilitate this?

The fact that you'd call the parents, and send a child home if the parents agreed, is awful. You must surely know that some parents only agree to keep up appearances, and are massively abusive behind closed doors? Even more abusive if the child has 'shown them up' by trying to leave? I just can't believe that you've not had training in this kind of scenario! I'm actually horrified.

If she was adamant about it you could talk to social services about fostering or their Shared Lives service. Then she would still be cared for in a family but not at home. She might need qualifying criteria like a mental health diagnosis or learning disability.

She can't rent at 16 as she's not an adult. She also can't leave home without your permission so if she does you can call police.
You would have to do everything, deposit, contract, rent, services accounts, etc
She might be able to find a spot as a lodger, with a family she knows but it won't be her rules there either and if she's not earning she will never grow up and start paying it herself.

I left home at 16 20 0dd years ago so alot might of changed .I went to the homeless part of the council and was put in an awful hostel full of drug users and alcoholics im not judging them but at 16 with no life experience it was terrifying .
I was then given a flat in a run down estate that was worse that the hostel the kind were you were scared to go out it wasn't long before I went home with my tail between my legs.

I would recommend some training that my husband and I completed via our local authority called NVR ‘non violence resistance’.
it really helped us with de-escalation strategies with our angry and reactive teen.

Good luck with it all.
Try to remember that this season will pass.