16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

“We will not be helping her and will not be telling her we would support her but if she is determined and would rather live in an unsafe hostel than at home, then we will do our best to help her find a less dodgy option. I think most parents who are in a position to help, would do so. We dont want her to move out and it would not be in her best interests to do so.”

Further to my previous comment - even if you pay top rent for the nicest flat in your town…..it still won’t be safe. Plus she will be a target for others her age who need a roof. And for parties etc!
Both of mine have now left home and tbh I do very little to help either of them. I let them get on with it. They come to me when they need me/help.

By facilitating her (or even planning on it!) you are allowing this ridiculous behaviour, OP. Stop entertaining it and allow her to work out how ridiculous of a proposition this is on her own. She may be stubborn but she’s not going to be stupid/naive enough to put herself on the streets. Ignore the dramatics and allow her to carry on with her ‘plans’. It will never work out but she needs to realise this for herself. Let it be a life lesson for her that money doesn’t grow on trees and you have to do an awful lot of work in order to foster a good, stable life.

Ds said he was moving out at 16. He is 22 now and still at home at 21 last September. In fact, he is at uni, so technically, he still lives with us. He had a slight personality transplant at 16 and became a bit more tolerant.

He knew where the shed was. IMO, once they are adult enough to move out, you don't pay rent ( unless at uni, and that's largely covered by student loan. Some students work to support themselves). Not to be cruel, but it might never end. They never learn how to pay their rent. You become their bank.

The more you do for self righteous child, the more they take it for granted and in turn, hate you.

My daughter had friends who were in care sadly, and lived in a children's home. They were all similar age to your daughter. They did have parents, who either did not want them, or were unable to care for them. At 16 one lad was moved to a hostel for men in the nearest town, I was horrified. He had to wait 3 weeks for his benefits to be sorted out, I was taking him food parcels and small amounts of cash. I was a single parent with four children of my own, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would strongly encourage conversations about what she wants her next few years to look like. Hopefully her aspirations need a good income, so needs to decide on a possible path to achieve this.
My DD1 always wanted to travel and go to uni, after A levels she worked basically 4 low paid jobs, putting her uni place on hold, and went to NZ and Far East for 2 years. I don't think kids appreciate their parents until they have been away from them a while.
Good luck OP.

Because what happens she'll move in with some friends, she'll fall out with the friends, she'll sprial worse with her MH, make unsafe friendships if she doesnt already, be missing, be drinking or using drugs, get known of, school will refer in that she is essentially homeless (which she would be, she hasnt got a long term carer), she'll get chucked out by friends parents, refuse to go home, round and round it goes with social workers persuading her to go home, trying to mediate between her and her parents, weeks and months of this can go by and if she is still floating around and rootless and having what Im reading are MH issues and breakdowns, she'll be seen as vulnerable and at risk, so if she continues to refuse she'll have to be accommodated.

Its who blinks first essentially. No one wants kids like this in care, it is a huge cost to society and a breakdown further in the relationship with their family but this is what often happens unless she can be persuaded to go back. Hopefully it wont get that far, but late into care is not rare (thats not meant to rhyme)

I would honestly just let her figure it out herself. I left home when I was 16 (moved in with a boyfriend). I am pretty sure that lasted no longer than three months. Somehow living in a bedsit with a shared shower and no washing machine wasn't quite the glamour of the adult life I imagined. Good experience though and, luckily, my parents didn't for a minute entertain the idea of paying my rent somewhere more suitable.

To quote Cher from Clueless:

”As If!!”

It would be pretty impossible for her to move out at 16, no one will rent her anywhere, she has no income and wouldn’t be able to get housing association housing if she still has a place to live with you. Tell her the only way she can eventually move out is to do well at school, get a job or go to university (my dd did the later and moved out at 18 to university).

I moved out at 18, managed to get a room in a house share but had to work 3 jobs to support myself (and things were much easier back then).

If she wants to be more independent whilst still at home, she could try doing all her own washing, cooking her own meals and doing the house work 🤔.

I think this is basically the same as a 20yo or 25yo who decides to move out. She will like anyone else have to find somewhere affordable to rent and will need to fund that. That’s really hard atm as a 25yo on minimum wage so will be I should think impossible on what a 16-17yo can make (as they usually get paid only a fraction of a full wage). Different again of course if she’s self employed and earning a whack as a YouTuber etc. Or at college/work as an apprentice.
I wouldnt bring it up in conversation at all (as that will only make her more determined) and I wouldn’t fund it in any way either (except in the way parents usually have to cough up for uni funding if they earn over a certain amount) But I would be very vocally full of loving words on a daily basis “you did that very well, nice work, you look pretty, awesome effort, I love you so much” etc

Fwiw I told my (tricky, narc, abusive etc) parents I would leave at 16, they laughed. I set my sights on uni and left at 18 and never really went back. My eldest has done the same as I did (from his very safe, happy, nurturing home!) 😂 left at 18 and rarely visits now although we do chat a lot online. He’s happy so I’m happy!

Id go quiet and let her sort herself out tbh. She will figure things out. And if she finds out the hard way you can be there to help put things back together.

My post was in response to another poster saying she’d get a house because she would go into care. I wouldn’t expect her to know anything about care either.

I did no JHA’s, I was a support worker for a homeless charity. We had three services that only housed young people in care, we were contracted by the local authority. Every young person we housed had either spent most of their lives in care and came to us after foster placements broke down, or if they came into care as 15/16 year olds and couldn’t be placed at all. The JHA’s were done by head office housing officers and their professionals before they were allocated a bed space in one of the three services. When they moved in each young person was assigned a support worker. That’s where I came in. My meetings with the council/leaving care teams came later, when the young person reached 18 and was moving on, usually into council accommodation.

I’m in adults now, maybe things have changed, but not one young person who came through our doors had just decided to leave a loving family home at 16 years old.

I'm amazed at how blase you are about a 16 year old leaving home and surviving in the big wide world. She may get stroppy from time to time, slam doors and tell you she hates you, but she is transitioning from child to adult, probably feels under pressure from school, friends, social media. You should be making her feel loved, safe, secure. Letting her think that you're not bothered either way whether she leaves or stays is probably heartbreaking for her. Loving words and support is what she's crying out for. Hug her, cuddle her, kiss her, have days out with her, have pamper nights in together, walk arm in arm and let her pour her heart out to her, give her support and tell her how special she is to you. Hopefully this is just a phase she's going through, she's testing you. Please don't dismiss her threats of leaving home because if you come home one day and she's gone, you don't know what harm she may come to. Drink, drugs, violence, pregnancy. Far easier to spend some time understanding how she feels and finding ways to make her home a happy place to be. Good luck 🤞 💐

Paying her rent won’t keep her safe and I say that as someone who moved out at 16. It’s not just the four walls that matter, 16/17 is still very young which makes you vulnerable to poor decisions and unpleasant people.

Hell would freeze over before I let any child of mine leave home at 16, unless they were going to live somewhere else with adult supervision. I had no other option and I wish I hadn’t had to leave home.

From a practical perspective, if you rent a place for her you’d have to be her guarantor. Any issues or damage will be your responsibility. And there’s not enough housing for young people with no other option so she’ll be lucky to get temporary accommodation at most from the council.

Do you have any other children and can you afford to offer them the same deal at 16?

She’s not fine from what you have said in this thread and your last one about her gender identity issues amongst other things. She needs to see a mental health professional. You are minimising her issues. She is deeply unhappy.

Is she struggling in school with exams or bullying of any kind?
Does she have a boyfriend that you are aware of?
Does she have a sibling she feels is favoured?

And if she makes her own arrangements to live elsewhere that's up to her but why do you think she would be provided with local authority accommodation just because she doesn't want to live at home? I assure you that would not happen. Unless she's at clear risk such as living with drug dealers or a pimp or on the street then she won't be housed. It's possibly OP's daughter would choose those options over staying at home but honestly I doubt it.

I speak from experience, I think a lot of teenagers say this and some actually do intend to move out - someone I know actually lied to get housing and was successful.
Teenagers in this time are a new breed of monster sometimes, it’s like we have lived our children so much we have literally made them feel invincible.
so, again speaking from experience - you do nothing, just smile and wave.
Realistically they can’t get housing at that age and it’s an idle threat built on a ego that’s very big.
Back in the day, parents would say ok, shall I pick you up a couple of boxes from the supermarket when I go?.
but nowadays here we are thinking, oh yes let’s pay rent for this 16 year old who wants to move out.
Not on your nelly.
Let her carry on and see how far she gets (trust me it won’t be far) and in the meantime your house your rules.
Stop giving her the permission to rule you by saying she’s going to move out.
Once you stop reacting she will find something else to moan about.

Or broken down irretrievably meaning the daughter simply wont go home and wont live there and wont allow her parents to exercise PR.

Young parents did get flats 30 years ago. Not these days. Anyone doing this is in for a rude shock.

Can school help with counselling or a camhs referral?

In reality as soon as she announces to the council/social services that she’s homeless the very first thing they’ll do is ask if she’s estranged from you. If she’s not and you’re happy to have her live with you then they’re going to realise she has somewhere safe to live and that’s that. Vulnerable yp who really are estranged from family and have nowhere safe will go to temporary accommodation/hostels or if they’re very lucky and there’s places they get offered a place in a foyer which is like supported housing for 16+.

As others have said no one in their right mind will rent to a 16 year old!

No they won't house her just because she doesn't want to go home. They will expect her to go home. If she chooses to stay somewhere else like sofa surf that's between her and her parents. They won't accommodate her for that reason.

Just an Idea, no idea if this would work cost wise etc. but… Maybe you could send her to a boarding school and frame it to her that she’s getting what she wants essentially (living away from you/home). This would give you a couple of years where she’s safe, and hopefully her brain will mature enough in those 2 years that she won’t hate you/home so much.

She wont know anything about 'care' at this stage, none of them do, they all think they're going to get a council flat. They then have their JHA and are informed that a) they're not entitled to housing and b) persuaded of all the 'support' they'll get if they go into care (by housing who tell them all this), SSD then have a hard job refusing to accommodate someone who says I am absolutely not returning home and I refuse and Im signing myself into care. This is how it works

Local authorities up and down the land dont want these children in care, theres no need for it, but it happens more than occasionally because they wont return home, usually for reasons that seem evident here, she has MH issues or trauma or other issues going on and feels she simply cannot live at home

OP just needs to keep the nodding, hope her daughter doesnt make any applications to the council but equally that she doesnt then start going missing or become violent at home and then that gives her more of an argument to leave home

How many JHAs did you do?

Agree!

Who does she think is going to wash her plates when she moves out!?

Ridiculous.

Ex teacher.

it’s quite common for teens for various reasons to move out of home for a bit.

often they wind up staying with friends. If there are other relatives close or the family is split up they can ping pong between mum, dad, grandma etc.

depending on why they don’t want to go home schools can refer on to SS.

SS tend not to get involved unless there are obvious parenting issues (eg child does not have a bed and mum is an alcoholic) or the child is getting nvolved with the criminal justice system (drugs or violence). I presume none of those apply.