16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

H was thrown out, when he was 15, before his exams because he would swear at his mother - 'back chat' she called it.

It came to a head when he swore at her for not washing his best jeans for him to wear for a friend's birthday bash. He wasn't allowed in the house again.

He sofa surfed at his friend's for a month whilst labouring for a builder and hasn't spoken to his mother since. He's 62 - and still walks out of rooms his mother enters.

They are both very stubborn ....

A psychologist friend told me about some very sad consequences of his mother's behaviour which turned out to be true and has tainted such a huge chunk of life.

Your 'stubborn' comment triggered my (sorry, unhelpful) post OP - I hope your daughter doesn't leave under a cloud.

Nope, because I would say we are absolutely not accommodating you. Go home.

Of course we were aware of why they had entered the system. We had copies of their files from social care including their assessment paperwork. I attended every LAC review for each young person on my caseload, as did all of the other support workers I worked with.

My first placement was with CAMHS, and my second was in an NHS crisis team, so again the answer is none.

I am not sure why you continue to go at me when I responded to another poster who stated she would just “go into care”. In my experience, and I appreciate it’s only mine, a child who has told her parents she wants to move out at 15 is unlikely to just sign herself into care and be happy living in supported accommodation.

If she is deemed to be a child in need then children's services would be responsible for her. This might involve foster care, or a hostel intended for 16/17 year olds.

That's not what being a child in need means and she wouldn't be considered homeless so wouldn't be placed in any kind of care or accommodation

I would be concerned that she’ll intentionally get pregnant in the hopes of getting a council flat (this is not as easy as people think).

Perhaps helping her to move out may mean she doesn’t do this.

Just take things one day at a time.

Your daughter has to be able to support herself, that may well not be possible and she soon realise.

In the meantime she can calm down and work towards her independence. I suggest you don't bother her too much right now, just be there to listen if she needs a sounding board and be supportive - and nice. It may all blow over.

Research "supported accomodation under 18s" in your area because that is probably what she'd be looking at.

I’m not sure if it’s been suggested but some colleges have live in accommodation.

You can get help with the costs if it’s more than a certain distance away and there are no closer colleges delivering the same course.

I would definitely look into this because there are staff on site and it is much less independent than moving out on her own.

I moved out at a similar age and although I loved having my own space and being away from my abusive family, I was really afraid of the dark and I didn’t know how to do anything like pay bills, fix leaky taps etc and so although I had no choice but to figure it out, if I’d had a loving family home to go back to then I probably would have.

This will never take off. It’s ridiculous. A non-starter.

Tell her you’re interested in her plans - where she will live, who with, what her rent and council tax will be, her utilities, day to day costs. How she will access the internet - is she getting wifi installed? Surely not, as she can’t possibly take a contract at 16.
Does she know how to change a fuse or lightbulb? What happens if the carbon monoxide alarm goes off?

How much is a boiler repair? Does she have a bank account to set up direct debits for all of her bills?
If her neighbour is playing music til 5am, can she get up for her full-time employment a couple of hours later?

The blank stares will tell you all you need to know.

IF that trajectory is followed, then yes, she may end up being accommodated. But right now she won't.

I’d just call her bluff. I moved out when I was 17, rented a room, but I did have a job and rent was less than my parents were charging me so it wasn’t difficult. My parents were all a fluster, didn’t think I’d survive. I’ve never looked back.

Because the council should pay to house an entitled bratty 16 year old just because she doesn’t want to live at home?

I certainly don’t want my council tax going toward that.

I have a recurring conversation with my 6 year old about keeping her bedroom tidy. She says she wants to keep living with me and her father when she is an adult, and I keep telling her that it would be lovely if she did, but she will be an equal housemate, meaning she has to contribute her share of bills and labour. She didn’t like the sound of that, so I explained what it’s like housesharing with other people. She didn’t like the sound of that either, but decided that keeping her bedroom tidy is the easier option. She is 6 years old and seems to get it (albeit reluctantly).
Break it down bill by bill to your 16 year old and ask her where on earth she thinks she is going to get the money to fund this idea of hers.

lol it’s so much more than rent

i did it. By choice but also by necessity. Council housed me in a flat in a rough area with zero carpets. Furniture was second hand provided by a charity. No white goods. I was absolutely fucked tbh. Low wage at that age and nothing by the end of the week cause the council took whenever was left over. I was at risk from dodgy neighbours. I was alone and nowt to do so I started drinking and staying at mates as much as I could. Tried drugs I never thought I’d dare but the freedom of it all encouraged me. Dunno how I didn’t end up pregnant. I only got out of it by meeting my husband.

Just giving you a view from someone who moved out of home at 16yrs old. I couldn't bear living at home (for different reasons to your daughter).

In my view if my parents had replied, "and in the meantime we have to live together so let's try to get on", I'd have felt utterly rejected and felt like I had no option but to follow through.

I know everyone is different and we respond to different tactics, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say that again, but instead I'd ask her why exactly she feels that she would like to leave home at 16? Really listen to her answers. Talk through solutions. Then talk through the realities of moving out, where would you live? How would you plan on paying rent? Are you aware of the bills required to be paid, such as council tax, water, electricity, gas, mobile phone, broadband (if she wants that), food. Explain to her what minimum wage is for 16 year olds and how much these living costs are compared to that.

Then tell her how much she is loved and welcome at home, and that you really don't want her to leave, that you want to work through the difficulties she's facing. Show her love, show her she's wanted.

Have to agree. OP should just allow DD at 16 to research all this herself if she’s dead set on moving as chances are she won’t be able to find anything and hopefully once out of school, OP can support her with finding work. Once she’s 17 or older if she still wants to at least she may be able to support herself in perhaps shared house or some such. OP can keep an eye/be there for her but ultimately she’ll be an adult and free to make her own choices.

If this was me what I'd do is get some blank paper for her and a pen and sit her down and confidently say to her that you just want to ensure she knows the cost of things, get her to write out everything she thinks she needs to pay and buy and how much each costs, before you do this, you list absolutely everything from personal products, food, phone , clothes, to bills, rent etc EVERYTHING on a sheet of paper and have that ready for when she's finished her list, then you can let her compare them side by side. Hopefully the total cost will be enough to put her off, I also wouldn't be afraid to ask her where she plans on going maybe you can both come up with an agreement to work out how to live together, 15/16 is a dodgy age, they think they know everything and they're sort of adults but still kids. Personally I would keep talking.

I was asking what JHAs you did as a student social worker

As a support worker within a homeless charity, you wont be aware of the front end, how the child makes contact with social care in the first place. None of them feel they come from a loving home, thats the point and thats what this child clearly feels, rightly or wrongly, thats whats being implied by other posters here

So she will present as a child whose needs are not being met, parents hate me, I cant live there, Im suicidal if Im made to go home, they're misgendering me, Im self harming, they dont care for me properly

and so on and so on. She'll say she is signing herself into care and not returning home.

Quite seriously, if you can afford to pay rent for her you could consider paying for her to go to boarding school for 2 years. She stays in education in a safe supportive environment and the pressure is off at home.

Are you carefully monitoring her social media and what she's accessing online? I know you're about to tell me that you can't, but you really need to. Read Esther Ghey's book if you need further convincing.

my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16

What are her reasons for not liking you?
Why is she not happy?

Have you asked her for more detail?

If she presents as homeless then you will be contacted to confirm if you are asking her to leave. She will also be assessed by children's services to see if she is a child in need, as the homeless legislation makes it plain that 16/17 should still be in the parental home unless there are exceptional circumstances. If she is deemed to be a child in need then children's services would be responsible for her. This might involve foster care, or a hostel intended for 16/17 year olds.
She needs to understand that she won't just walk into a nice social housing property. Both homeless and social care will do their utmost to try to prevent her becoming homeless.
I was a homeless officer for over 25 years and preventing homelessness was my 1st duty.

I can't believe your actually taking her seriously.

No different to me thinking I was going to move to America with my boyfriend from the Internet years ago as a silly 16yo🤣

The ideas some 16yos come away with... Utterly silly and ill thought out with no clue of the realities.

She'll soon twig her mum knows best and that she's got it good at home.

Umm… just say No OP.

My daughter is 15. She is a child. So is yours.

Saying you would pay for her to rent somewhere is just crazy, why on earth would that even be in your thoughts?