16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

I would get in touch with a youth homelessness charity. There's one in the city I live in which covers our region. They offer advice services but also family mediation in case there are things to be discussed. My eldest had a period of saying she wanted to leave home at 16 when she was 14/15, but it was hating her old school and having undiagnosed ADHD and having got into a not great group of friends. She moved school, got diagnosed, had some NHS counselling and she's settled down now.

Are you in Devon? I've just seen your FB post, which to be honest reads like click bait. You'll end up in the papers at this rate.

Try not to get sucked into explaining reality to an angry teen. Fake calm, say you would be devastated if she left as you love her and would miss her but if she wants to go you will help her research her options.

She won't listen to you explaining realittvunless she asks for help so just keep telling her you will help her find out options if she needs to do this because you love her now and you will in the future.

As much as possible be on their side - whilst still insisting on minimum standards of respect in the house.

You could also ask what might be possible to change to make life at home easier. Look at a list and work on one for you in return. If she doesn't want to wash up how else can she help. Do you go into her room (looking for laundry) without asking. I am constantly astonished by how many parents dont respect boundaries of their teens. Could you be caring for her as a 14 yo rather than a nearly 16yo?

Dont be the poster mum for how crappy the world is. If it is a boyfriend then make sure she can always run back home without any humiliation if it goes wrong.

Why would you indulge this behaviour?

Sounds like she is begging you to impose some boundaries and she needs some therapy.

Speak to school about getting her some professional help.

Social Services work with charities for children 16-25 providing supported accommodation that's paid for using Universal Credit. Once they're 18, they can go on the waiting list for Council Housing.

Mine moved out at 18 because they found living at home difficult. Some charities won't accept people under 18.

I completely agree. Boundaries are so important but often we try to implement in a way that is dictatorial, which although worked many decades ago teens today don’t appreciate this approach. Boundaries are far more able to stick when they are collaborative and they make sense to teens, because then they buy into them rather than feel like they are being controlled.

I've seen it in families that try to give their children plenty of safe choice but their teenage brain has wanted to be on more solid ground for a while. Some children really need to feel we're steering the ship.

The op will know which is more likely.

I once had a conversation with a friend that went something like I don't understand, we give him nothing to rebel against but he is determined to rebel. The kid was crying out for more boundaries rather than less because they needed a sense of safety.

Unfortunately for parents, teens will always find something to rebel against so I suspect this is not the only thing that @Allaboutthechildis having to navigate.

Or conversely. Do you need to give her something to rebel against so that she doesn't have to ferret around for a drastic thing like leaving home at a vulnerable age.

Teens are vying for control and independence. As strange as this may sound consider who has control in your household. Have you, like most parents had all of the control (with the best intentions) and maybe not given her age appropriate control as she’s got older and now she’s making it clear she’s taking control.

I had a parent say to me recently when I was working with her that giving up more control helped her feel more in control and made such a difference to her relationship with her teen😃

You may need to approach this indirectly by looking with fresh eyes on the dynamics and communication within the family to try and defuse her desire to leave home. I hope that helps.

Me too. Never got myself into trouble, held down a job and finished college. Never regretted it. It makes me so sad to hear all these commenters calling the daughter a brat and entitled when they have no idea of the situation at home. People though my mum was lovely but quirky, it made life at home unbearable.

What do you mean, what do you need to do? lol, Nothing.. what does she think is going to happen on her 16th birthday? Pack her bags and go.. where..?

I used to work for a youth charity, 16/17 year olds are priority but they don’t just give them their own flat, they have to live in supported accommodation etc with supervision and rules so if she has ideas about being free and independent, she won’t be.

Pay her rent now and you will be paying til you die and you will only have yourselves to blame.

I left home at 17, probably for similar reasons to yourself by the sounds of it. However I also work with families and the vast majority of situations like this are not through abuse or neglect

There may be a lot going on for OPs daughter, she may need help for her MH or other conditions, it also doesnt mean she cant be unreasonable as most of us were anyway at that age.

And recent bbc drama Wild Cherries about privileged entitled girls at private school influencing each other ……

Remember Shemima Begum and friends. Influenced by another girl at school and groomed on line by Isis ideology.

I’d be looking at DD friends and also what she’s viewed on the Internet. I’d be wondering about online bullying or sexual abuse.

Does she have you have her password.

Does she have siblings and if so what have they heard at school.

I did this as a teenager. I had an explosive relationship with my mother and informed her I was leaving as soon as I was legally allowed to. It took me until 17 to get somewhere to live (referred by my college form tutor) and I left. I was so scared to tell her I moved out and she didn’t notice for a week or so (I slept in her house for 2 nights before she went into my room to see most of my belongings had gone). Her child benefit stopped and I received income support to top up my wages from my part time job. She was so angry she packed up everything that was ever mine and made me take it, including childhood photos, school reports, gifts I’d given her for Xmas.
I never went back.
I wasn’t spoilt or refusing to wash dishes, it was just a volatile relationship that was making both of us very unhappy. It is possible, I finished college and got a full time job and I’m settled now with a house and children, due to be married and happy but it was a hard life for a few years. My mum had a limited part in my life afterwards but it was clear no support financially or emotionally would be coming from her.
what most surprises me is that people blindly refuse to believe that a 17 year old can leave and my mum could let me.

i done this 30 years ago was certain about leaving then looked at all the costs even back then i realised id be in a hostel or some grotty bedsit

noone will give her a rental agreement and u shouldnt pay for it either thats ridiculous will cost you more than you think and then what are you teaching her0have a tantrum and you get your own way

Boarding school for 6th form is an excellent idea. Probably cheaper than you picking up rent etc for her. She can learn independence whilst in safe hands. Excellent preparation for Uni.
Alternatively, take her to view properties. I did this with DD, she had to move away from home for her first, well paid, job. I paid the deposit. Oh yes, the deposit and rental agreement, and inventory. Who's going to pay that and be guarantor? I suggest you agree to go halves on the deposit. She won't be able to afford the other half. Refuse to be guarantor. Although DD had a decent income, graduate job, the properties in her price range were pretty grim.
She needs a financial reality check. I have no idea why families never discuss finances. Time to start.

@Z0rr0she wouldn’t need any other criteria as she is a child. Social services would immediately become involved if she was homeless.

It's not just you, it's the tone of so many posters on this thread towards this girl. Numerous posters have called her spoilt, entitled and bratty while knowing absolutely nothing of what's going on in her head. There have been a few posters (including myself) who've been in this girls shoes and left home very young and if I remember correctly, none of them have said they regretted it and all were happier and better out of the family home.

Even if you paid her rent and bills, her housework would still need doing. Perhaps she needs to be doing her washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking, shopping now. Show her independence is overrated. Perhaps a rota going of her cleaning communal areas too.

curious, does your 15 year old cook her own meals and do her own laundry?

Is there any way you could give her some sort of separate accommodation within the home? A garden office type arrangement where she could be independent, or give her an ensuite and kitchen where she could be independent. Are there other children? If they have left already, that could free up a bit of space.