Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

This.

Sorry you got entangled in all of this.

Most of us like to think that we’d intervene and put matters right.

But sometimes events like this happen quicker than we can comprehend and/or worry that intruding might make matters worse.

Or we freeze.

Oh aye? All beggars are not homeless, and begging is in fact illegal under the Vagrancy Act. We have a woman in town who begs who lives in a very smart retirement flat so she tends to target unknowing tourists.

If this person was homeless it's not an excuse to start a conversation about someone's genitals in the queue for Costa with impunity.

@CopeWithChange if you take anything from this. Ignore the homeless, be tough,stand up for yourself, be assertive and learn some self defense. Kickboxing class is fun as well. I love it.

@CopeWithChange really sorry this happened to you

Did you say you're not used to being in the city? I lived in London for ages and would always be wary of anyone who seemed to make a beeline for me. Also, to be honest, anyone asking directly to be bought a drink - I can't really explain it but while I'm likely to offer to buy a homeless person a drink, I don't feel comfortable with being approached directly.

I wouldn't be surprised if this person is known for targeting customers who look like they might be kind

The poster who said she cuts them dead before they start? That's the way to deal with it. I used to buy hot drinks for the guys I saw frequently near the office. But that was a bit different because we all just wave hello in the morning.

The world has changed though, I probably wouldn't do that now. (And I'm so glad not to live there anymore).

I paid for a coffee for a homeless woman begging in McDonalds.
However, she approached me in the street whenever she saw me after that looking for a free meal etc. I just avoided the area after that as you never know whether they are on medication or have psychiatric issues.

You are totally unreasonable to expect other people to do what you were too scared to do yourself.
Especially as you hadn’t asked for help and to an extent created the problem yourself

Your update suggests that - even if you explained coherently - you were asking a barista if you could jump the queue to pay for a drink for a scary person, so you could leave quickly and leave the staff to deal with the person you’ve engaged with and encouraged? Do you not see he probably spends half the day trying the same trick?

I wouldn't have helped either it was your own silly fault for trying to play Lady Jesus.

I'm sorry but the second you realized this person wasn't deserving of your kindness you should have walked away and told them in no uncertain terms they were no longer getting a drink from you. They were clearly unstable but that doesn't allow them the right to verbally abuse you. Had you been next to me in the queue and id realized what was happening I wouldn't have intervened, instead id have wondered why on earth you were getting this individual anything and why you weren't just walking away. Why should anyone else around you potentially put themselves in a precarious position because you made a badly judged decision? Especially another woman, who you say your were trying to get attention from, who would have also been vulnerable. It was absolutely on your dh to step up in this situation and he didn't, the children could have stayed where they were. Next time id think twice about giving anything to the homeless. I personally never do as most often times it's used for drugs and alcohol, and I don't buy them food or drinks either.

I think people telling the OP to get a grip are being a bit harsh, as this does sound a bit scary, but equally OP you did get yourself into the mess.

I am in my 30s and wouldn't have intervened in such a situation. What do you expect people to do, rip off their clothes and have a superman costume underneath? 😂And you're telling me you would have honestly intervened yourself if the shoe was on the other foot? I don't think so given this scared you shitless.

I feel bad that this has happened to you, OP. It sounds churlish and unsympathetic but I just say "No, sorry" and walk on whenever anyone vaguely dodgy approaches me asking for money or food.

YABU. You should have walked out the second the person started being rude, not paid for their drink!! Don’t be a doormat OP 🤷‍♀️

Jeez some of you are revolting! ‘These people’ indeed?! Just because someone is homeless, it’s doesn’t make them less human!! You are talking about them as though they were animals.

You try living in the streets and you’d likely need drink / drugs to get through each long cold day! And if you didn’t have mental health issues before hand, you would after a very short time on the streets!

Also blaming the poor op as stupid for trying to do something kind?! I’d’ve stepped up Op, but then I’ve found I’m often the only one that will when someone is injured on the street and everyone else is filming on their phones for example 😡

You were able to ‘instruct’ your husband but not a person who started to make inappropriate comments to you ?

Your husband was watching carefully and could tell by your face that things had changed but didn’t intervene ?

You have children but were unable to set a boundary to say ‘put that back, I’m not paying’ ?

You’re late 30s but expect other people to deal with your self-made problems ?

You expressed with your face you needed to pay quickly and leave – that deserves an Oscar…..

You were inside a coffee shop but were scared the person would stab you ?

You’ve spent most of your life in the countryside. Perhaps you need to either get out more or go back to your rural idyll.

You may think I have been a touch unkind but I don’t think so.

They can’t help you though. They’d need to move the person taking orders out of the way to access the till and ring it up. They can’t. It goes in order. And a barista making drinks, which is quite noisy, is absolutely not paying attention to people in the queue so had no clue what your issue was other than skipping the queue and demanding service whilst looking a bit weird.

If you need help then ask for it. Or walk away. Or call your husband over.

You’ve had a really horrible experience and I’m sorry that has happened to you. I suspect he probably saw you as an easy target. And it’s so difficult when someone is very clearly either having a mental health crisis, or are under the effects of a substance, because they’re unpredictable.

My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened.

Having said that, if your husband, who knows you well enough to know what you look like when you’re scared/worried/intimidated didn’t think you needed rescuing, then I think being cross with a complete stranger because they didn’t try to rescue you is being a bit unfair. Could the cashier see you being uncomfortable? Or did she just see a slightly harassed looking woman who was clearly in a rush but who was buying a drink for the homeless man?

I think you might be a bit angry with your DH for not stepping in, or for not telling you to wait with the children while he went off with the homeless stranger, but reluctant to think about that too deeply, so directing your upset towards another woman who would have been equally unable to defend herself, or you, against an aggressive man.

I agree with posters saying it’s an opportunity for you to reflect on your response, than what others should have done to help a situation you put yourself in.

When I was a young teenager, I found a person lying in the street and instinctively tried to help him. When I got close enough to him, I could smell that he was very drunk but I still didn’t walk away/ summon other help. He said he lived just a few doors away. I helped him up, supported him to his door but he couldn’t even go inside. I opened his door with the key, and supported him inside and suddenly he was alert enough to start making lewd comments and suggestive remarks and getting handsy.
I managed to leave, but as an adult now my blood runs cold at the series of very poor choices I made and the situation I put myself in.
Long story short- what could you have done differently? How would you react if something similar was to happen in future? Always worth giving some thought so you are not quite so blindsided should similar happen again.

Hope you are okay.x

I’m not trying to poke holes in your story, i’m trying to understand exactly what went on to understand why things played out the way they did.

I get what you are saying but tbh I think most people would have just legged it in your situation rather than stay with the guy to buy a drink, so this is also likely why the barrister didn’t help you as what you were doing/saying didn’t make sense tbh.

Nobody is offering much support because you put yourself in this position. In doing so you also could have dragged other people into it. Your naivety made you vulnerable and your husband should have known better than to allow you to do it. It's one occasion where a man's authority IS needed.

You also could have had your purse nicked once you got it out.

This

why did you stay in the queue /still pay

and yes the cashier had to pay in order

I’ve only read the first few replies but I’m actually pretty stunned that people are saying nobody would intervene because of the risk… there are many ways you can help without getting physical. You could go up and ask for a manager to step in, if there are security guards you could flag those (if this was in a shopping mall for instance). Speaking up is a good deterrent - even from a distance. There are countless ways TfL tell us to do this on trains when there really is nowhere to run because it’s proven to de-escalate.

Surprised a little that your DH didn’t say / do anything, but I can appreciate he was minding your kids so you don’t exactly want them involved.

I actually buy homeless a cup of coffee often, but I never take them up to the till with me. I say ‘ok, what do you want?’ They tell me, I walk away to pay and then tell the barista this one’s for him and leave.

@CopeWithChange why have you not responded to why your husband didn't intervene. In your posts you have said:

I’ve spent most my life in the countryside, so this was a new experience for me. My husband, who is more well travelled, was very shocked I said yes.
So when he heard you say this, why didn't he manage the situation rather than you telling him to go wait with the kids. He could have stepped in at this point and said to you, no let me, you watch the children.

The coffee shop was quiet
So considering he could tell the situation had changed and moved closer, he potentially could have intervened again here and told the children to wait and swapped places with you.

You still haven't acknowledged that your DH is the one who should have supported you, not some random woman in the queue.

I wouldn't have intervened, as I would be scared he would start on me. Most homeless people are on the street because they don't want to give up drinking/drugs to stay in a shelter.

I think everyone has been in a situation where they agree to help someone and suddenly realise they are actually in a bad situation, whether in a public place or alone. When I was younger I would always give people the benefit of the doubt and try to help, but after lots of dodgy situations, I now just say sorry, no, and donate to charities instead. People still come up to me in crowds to beg from me when we are surrounded by loads of other people! It's obviously my kindly/soft touch vibe! In future situations, just get out of there as fast as possible. Remember that you tried to do a kind thing.