Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

Fight, flight or fawn. This is fawn.

I think he needs to come on here and protect her from a few of the aggressive commenters.

Why on earth do you buy a drink for someone who abused you.

Yeah Op the thing is you have a dopey husband. Your husband should’ve said “I’ve got it @CopeWithChange “ and walked with the person to get the drink after you offered.

As many pp have said YABU by getting yourself into that position, and then expecting women to intervene but letting your own husband off the hook for not being more protective.

Imagine a lone single woman spoke up and got turned on by this person then you eventually wander back off with your husband while she’s left to handle it herself as she’s not got a partner to step in or lean on.

Others in the queues were either too fearful or didn’t realise what was going on. I don’t get why you didn’t shout your husband over or even if you had been by yourself you should have articulated clearly to the staff you felt in danger and wanted them to call the police. They may not have understood what was happening since you appeared to be together with this individual.

No you haven’t, you haven’t at all… I personally agree with you, if someone was clearly with someone who is making them uncomfortable and someone is asking to quickly pay, then the lady behind the till should’ve honoured that. You done a nice thing and I am so sorry it back fired on you.

I once saw a homeless person shivering, I offered them a hot drink and they said ‘That ain’t gonna buy me drugs tho love is it’

you can’t help some people.

No, we can read.

You clearly gave your opinion on if they were homeless. Stated it completely as that, seperate to any conspiracy, as "if they were homeless, then x"

I live in a city with far too much homelessness. I agree to buy drinks and sometimes food for homeless people. I do it by asking them what they want and going to get it for them. I do not ask them to come inside. If they follow I say "No. Wait here. I'll bring it to you." and if they don't acquiesce I tell them to wait or I'll tell the cashier I'm being harassed. Only had someone follow me in once and this stopped them in their tracks. Few places want homeless people in their shop. It's not attractive to customers.

I avoid/would not offer to anyone who seemed aggressive from the get go, but most are glad to have someone who meets their eye and the offer of food. However, there are a significant number with mental health issues of one sort or another and that can cause issues. (Maybe some are just nasty people, but it comes across as something more than that). So I have had quite a few incidents and I've stepped in sometimes when I've seen someone else being hassled. I don't find it helps to pretend they aren't being out of order. What they're doing isn't an accident. Sometimes I think those who have a dig after you've offered to buy something see you as a soft touch so take advantage of, as they see it, the opportunity to use their power. Not shutting them down just encourages them. If they want to hurt you they're going to do that whether you smile and play nice or not. I say - "Wow. Okay. We're done. I'm not getting you anything when you talk to me like that." There will be verbal abuse but just walk away. The best trick I've found if you're stuck somewhere (like a bus) while being hassled is to talk really softly so they have to keep asking you to repeat yourself. Works most of the time to interrupt their flow. I challenge what they say without escalating or getting engaged with arguments. Sometimes they get bored, but normally, when I can, I say "Well, nice talking to you but I've got things to do." and get off/walk away (always into a crowd, shop, etc.).

I understand why you wished someone would hep you but most people are just as worried about being a target as you were. They don't want the aggravation either. Having stepped in, I have found you can take their attention from their victim, but it turns to you. You rarely just get them to stop. So it's not an attractive proposition. I only do it if the victim looks particularly vulnerable. I've only had one guy actually get physical, grabbing my coat and trying to hit me on the head, fortunately when he did several people who had been ignoring the verbal situation stepped in and he left sharply.

I think you needed to be clear in your words, OP. Not rely on looking scared and expecting someone to realise that you wanted to pay quickly for the drink of someone you wanted to get away from. Because that is a bit batshit. It isn't a scenario they would have expected, so easy to misinterpret. They may well have just thought you were high too.

But why didn't he help you out to begin with? He could have swapped with you when you said yes.

Edited to also add: if you were that concerned/frightened why didn't you turn round and try and catch his attention more

No good deed goes unpunished. In future, politely decline to provide direct handouts. If you want to help the homeless then donate to a homeless charity.

My first thought when I read your opening post was “sounds like someone who’s not used to living in a big city”! This is a once-a-week occurrence when I live. You learn how to spot real danger, real mental illness, real desperation, and you quickly learn to understand your limitations and how you can help within those limitations. Consider today a life lesson. Don’t bubble wrap yourself from the world. Nothing happened to you, you just had a new experience. When you cast your vote, try to remember your feelings today, your reactions, other people’s reactions and realities, and vote accordingly.

Doesn’t matter about how ‘human’ they are. It’s about women trying to keep themselves safe. I fully believe op was targeted because she was a woman.

Agree with PP that if your DH couldn’t tell you were suddenly terrified, despite moving closer to see what was wrong, how was anyone else? To any onlooker it could have been you acting erratic and unpredictable.

You describe this person as absolutely terrifying you but it seems they were only saying strange things, not showing any violence or threatening behaviour. As uncomfortable as you may have been, from an outside perspective you suddenly rushed forward to pay for a drink you hadn’t ordered while screaming that you had to quickly leave. It likely wouldn’t make sense to the person at the check out or anyone else.

I think if you were so completely terrified, or felt this person could turn suddenly violent, then you could have easily signalled to your husband to come closer. He did begin to all towards you, so you could have beckoned him over. I don’t think the server behind the til could have done anything to help you, even if they did understand your fear and the reason for it.

You weren't alone, your DP was there. Why didnt he just come and escort you off the premises? The staff should have asked the person to leave, they dont usually allow homeless beggars in as they can cause a nuisance, as you found out for yourself today

This exact thing happened to me when visibly pregnant. I now keep an eye on where the emergency breaks are in the train or tube and am not afraid to use them if abused like that again. It is so scary when nobody wants to help :( however the difference in situations is the OP did engage with the individual in the first instance.
As a female often alone in London I'm very sorry for these people and their problems but I dont risk engaging.

I agree 100%.

My "concept" is that I don't think this man was homeless at all. I think he was a creep.

Isn't it funny on Mumsnet how trans men are supposedly using being trans as a means to get off making women uncomfortable in toilets but it's ok to use supposed homelessness as an excuse to ask if she has or has had had a penis.

I just can’t imagine a scenario where my husband would have stood idly by. You are pretty clear that you expressed your fear very clearly to all nearby and that your husband could see the situation had changed. It just makes no sense that he didn’t move over to you or at least stay within ear shot whilst you went off with some random homeless person.
I’ve given money to homeless people before but wouldn’t to one that approached me directly and I certainly wouldn’t take them to buy them a drink. You were well intentioned but extremely naive and put your own safety at risk by creating an opportunity for an extended interaction with someone who is clearly going to be quite a troubled person. Wanting others to step into the situation when even your own husband didn’t is a bit much really.

Piss off is a complete sentence you know. Instead you chose to play the poor frightened country bumpkin quite prepared to leave another woman at the mercy of some fucking weirdo while you skipped off into the sunset to talk about your frightening experience without a care for the person you were prepared to throw into his path.

Seriously it sounds like you’re loving the drama here. I assume you reported this incident to the police after? No? Thought n not.

What words did you use to explain that you needed help?

From what I can see you agreed to buy this man a drink and so he of course followed you and then you jumped the queue and said you needed to pay because you needed to leave - but you didn’t explain anything and so I am not sure how they could have known that you needed help.

Did you say this man is making me feel uncomfortable and I need help?
Or did you agree to buy him a drink, carried on agreeing to buy him a drink and hoped the cashiers would pick up on your body language?

If your DH did not think to help you, then why would these workers who probably did not understand that you needed help.

I think you’re just shook up and trying to blame someone but no one is to blame here.

Not only is it not really used, but that act is being being rightly completely repealed. The process will be complete within months, and will be unusable until then as the cps would never prosecute for an act actively being repealed (even ignoring the very low chance it woild be used for normal situations before it started being repealed).

Also you are mixing up concepts. Being homeless isn't an excuse. But being homeless and having severe mental health issues are closely related, easy to ignore that bit to keep the dehumanisation up though.

Is kickboxing good for menopausal fat burning?

Wow you really got yourself in a mess didn't you lol not to be rude but you seem a bit naive and I hope you take this as a lesson to toughen up a bit and be a bit more socially aware. All your own doing I am afraid.

Ah I'm so sorry this happened, OP. As a seasoned old townie I have intervened in this kind of situation many times, and I would have if I'd seen you. I guess it's possible people thought you were dealing with it your own way, but would have jumped in if things kicked off.

You and dh need a plan for how you handle this sort of thing together. But for now, just be kind to yourself. Dealing with people who are illogical and aggressive is always horrible.

Dear OP, as others have said, I think it is unreasonable to have expected another woman to effectively trade places with you and deal with this for you, but I appreciate you're shaken up and found it frightening.
Try to put it from your mind and also try not to let it stop you offering kindness to someone else in future. Many unhoused people do just want a drink/something to eat to make their day a little easier, especially in winter. This experience is not your fault and I hope you feel better soon.