Men still have the control, how is this ok?

I once read or heard a comment along the lines of ‘the world will never be equal until men can have [birth] children, too’ and I often think of it.

My ex left after 19 years and 2 dc, for most of the marriage he was a good dad and did his share and was very supportive. My mum and my aunties all loved him as he was a very hands on dad unlike most men of their generation.
Then he had an affair and fucked off half way around the world leaving me very much a single parent although he did pay maintainence.
He had all the power in our split being a bigger earner than me and also paying very little tax in the country he was living in. He basically dictated all the terms of the financial agreement and being I was in Scotland he was allowed to do this. I was so fucking angry about it and his ability to dip in and out of dc's life when he felt like it for a long time. I got told I should be thankful he paid maintainence. But that was the very least he could do, these days when the boys (rarely) visit he acts as though he is the injured party and goes on about how much money he gave me. I hear you op its enraging.

I didn't read past the point of you having a child with a man who couldn't commit to you after 4 years.

Women need to stop A) Having kids without marriage and B) Stop hanging around men for years and years without commitment. Men do not need years to figure if they want to marry you!!!!!

It’s not men, it’s the man you had a child with. Not all men are like that

You’re definitely in the minority.

In my 45 years and all the many, many people I’ve known in that time, married, single, divorced whatever - plus all the people that the people I know, know and we talk about - I have never known or heard of one man who has been the main carer for his children.

How many men do you know in this situation and how many women who do the same and get absolutely no congratulations for it? In fact, no one even notices?

Every single woman I know and have ever known, married or divorced, who has dc’s is the main carer for them.

@Flibbertyfloo YES!!! That would be amazing and life changing for so many families.

I work like a dog to provide for my child, I don’t have the option of not doing that so why should the father?

One excuse for not paying child maintenance was “I’ve just changed my job so I won’t get paid for another month” - it was funny because I had also just changed my job so I was in the exact same situation. Rent was due and I had to buy school uniform and pay for school bus ticket and school lunches as well as other stuff like food, council tax, etc. I should have said “oh same babes, we’ll just not feed, house, or clothe her, and we won’t send her to school til we get paid”. Instead, I did what any decent parent would do and pulled the money out of my backside - put it all on a credit card then worked extra hours at my second job to try to pay it off.

Why do men get to opt out so easily?

”But I don’t earn enough” neither do I so I have to work two jobs and I still don’t have enough because you don’t pay even a basic contribution never mind half of what it actually costs, you absolute twat! I do whatever I need to do to pay for everything.

@Dollyfloss i do.

Er….I’m afraid I don’t know any of those?!

Why do you “make the right noises”? I’d be letting him know I think he’s a selfish arsehole!

Yes, yes.
I calculated this, if you want.

Most abusers are lovely until they've got you trapped, btw. Pregnancy is a known time when abuse starts. So I feel your post is a little bit smug. Women aren't deciding to marry and have kids with someone who's always been awful to them. Abusers lay a trap.

Just fyi.

@herefortheclicks but do women not let men get away with it. We never talk about the men who pick up the slack, or the single dads who are the main parent and the women who don't do as much, have opted not to do as much.

It’s not fair at all.

But you can’t make anyone into a decent parent if they don’t want to be.

You’re the one who will hopefully reap the benefits of how well you’ve taken care of your dd when she’s older and he’ll be the crap dad who she hopefully doesn’t care that much about.

As a starting point how about:

• government determines the minimum monthly amount required to raise a child in the area in which the child is living (possibly not increasing if one parent unilaterally decided to move somewhere much more expensive).
• each parent is responsible for 50% of that minimum cost, regardless of their income or employment status. It is automatically deducted from the salary and/or benefits of the non-resident parent. If they are self-employed and don't pay it gets added to their end of year tax bill and chased by HMRC as needed. Same for those living off rental income, share income etc.
• if they don't pay there is a series of penalties e.g. impact on credit rating, loss of driving licence, assets can be sold etc. If you don't earn enough then you have to find a way, same as the resident parent does.
• non-resident parent then pays an additional amount calculated by reference to what they can afford and reflecting how much they have the child.
• no reduction for existing children to reflect subsequent children. If you can't afford to have more children whilst supporting the children you already have then you shouldn't hsve them.

Sounds harsh but it reflects the reality for the resident parent.

I absolutely agree with you OP in raising this and also with a PP which suggests we do what the US do and just throw people in jail if they don’t support their kids. We should make it as socially unacceptable as drink driving; the damage of deadbeat parents is worse IMO

On the surface I co-parent well and amicably with my ex, he would say we have it nailed.

But I hate him. 4 nights a month and a few extra in the 3 big holidays. Fuck him, fuck the women in his life that congratulate him and tell him he’s a great dad, fuck his complete lack of awareness.

Thank god for my amazing parents. What recourse do I have? Absolutely none. He thinks he’s a knight in shining armor for every crumb of extra he does.

I know my feelings are only hurting me but how do you passed the injustice? I adore my children but it’s hard for me even with the massive support I have.

Hes struggling with the consequences of some terrible life choices and I make the right sounds but in reality I think good. Fuck him.

(I swear swear swear im not an awful person, like this post makes me seem. I’m just triggered by the fuckwit on a daily basis).

I have known this ever since I was a little girl. Having your own money is the only way to have complete control over your own life. I am happily married with DC, but I have worked extremely hard to make enough money that I could survive just fine if he wasn't around. Sad that this is how things are, but it is what it is.

I don’t have children. I might consider having them if I was the dad in the scenario but unfortunately things are too unfairly stacked again the mum and it’s not for me. Why single mothers get the bad reputation and it’s not the (some) absent waste of space absent fathers, who won’t pay a penny, I don’t know.

Absolutely YANBU.
I never had children and married a decent man, thirty years older, for security and also, to be left alone as far as sex goes, now at 47.
Been married for 20 years, all good.
The thing is, I had shitty experience in general with men since teenage years and it made me loathe, hate and fear them.
Bold statement, I know. Speaking for myself.

How would you even do that though?
Gym membership is usually a direct debit so easy not to cancel it.

People were told to continue paying their hairdressers too. It made the richer MNers so easy to spot

" Imagine a gym closing for a day and people (men) being told shut up and pay because the staff still need paying. "

Plenty of people DID say this in Covid times. We were encouraged to continue our membership even though the gym was closed.