To think husband needs to adjust hit attitude to his parents

The very definition of discrimination

He needs extensive trauma based therapy. Ideally he should have done this before having a kid.
His parents are brutally cruel.

As an only child who boarded from 7, I am very familiar with the strangeness of the parental relationship. It’s hard to navigate, made extra tricky when one’s own children reach that age. I find myself getting very frustrated w my mum (though I don’t shout and swear). Having to help her and sort stuff out now she’s elderly just feels a bit rich when she didn’t ever take me to a play date/Brownies/swimming lesson etc.

In that case, I would just not go to their house with him. Stick to seeing them at yours.

Stress to him that you understand his mixed emotions around his family but whilst he is free to deal with it however he chooses to, you too are also free to deal with it however you choose to. Either he reins it in or you do not accompany him.

My DH has a dormant temper that will erupt at times with lots of swearing. If I walked away from the projectile swearing he would then get cross because I was cross. I said I wasn't cross, just disliked the swearing and I didn't have to listen to it. His prerogative to swear, my prerogative not to listen to it. End of.

It took a few repetitions of the same conversation, and eventually he reined it in of his own accord.

So extract yourself regularly and refuse to get involved if nothing else will work.

Tbh I'd lose all respect for a man of nearly FIFTY who effed and blinded at people in their 80s for any reason whatsoever.

You day he mimics his mum in some ways. Does she swear at him/others? Or say really hurtful/enraging things?

Sounds like a very dysfunctional family relationship, nobody sends their kid at 6 to board without being seriously disconnected emotionally, it’s hard for most parents even at 11 though essential for island /very rural areas. My dh and his siblings boarded (not that young) and his mum was quite cold

His parents abandoned him to boarding school when he was 6 and then had the audacity to move close to him when they became elderly and in need more help, they're incredibly lucky he has anything to do with them.

i have at length, mainly the fact he went to boarding school at 6 so never had a close relationship since then. He's now 48 though. And I've said he needs to better/learn to bite his tongue.

I can relate to this and I put it down to arrested development. The angry 6 year old still remains I’m afraid and he is furious.

Maybe he keeps visiting hoping they will actually apologise to him that they sent him away so young.....

Really? She should mind her business while watching her husband swear and be so disrespectful to his parents? If there is history then as a couple he should be able to discuss the issues so his wife knows what's going on and he should also go LC or NC not this weird dynamic of seeing them regularly but getting angry and swearing at 80 year old parents while OP stand by watching awkwardly.

And when they have kids would it be fine to watch their father test his parents like that with no consequences?

It's not meant to be discriminatory. The spoiled brat only child is a trope because it's true. You're right though that children with siblings can be equally as bratty.

OP I think your husband is behaving badly. If he’s unhappy with having been sent to boarding school at a young age and/or other aspects of his childhood and therefore doesn’t feel close to, or like, his parents that’s fair enough. But then he needs to make the choice to visit less, or get counselling. He doesn’t have the right to swear and express constant irritation with everything they do in their own home.

If I was you I would refuse to witness that kind of behaviour because it would make me feel uncomfortable, so I would not join him on visits unless he behaved in an acceptable me way.

Discrimination 😀

I will fight discrimination wherever I see it.

I can’t actually. It’s lazy discrimination. Horrible trope.

Ok. You can't deny that the 'stereotypical only child' trope does ring true in many cases though.

You'll get over it.

This 100%. One of my bugbears is elderly parents demanding that their kids give up large chunks of their life to their care. It's so unfair, that isn't what you should have kids for.

No you cannot interfere in his relationship with his parents. He’s a grown man. He had that relationship for 48 years and you weren’t there during his childhood. You have to respect their history, you have to redirect that what you see isn’t everything there was/is.

Both. And my mother was one too

I am the daughter of an only child, an only child and I have an only child.

Not everyone had or has loving parents who provided them with a loving nurturing home. Op has already said he went to boarding school at 6 and didn't ever feel close to them. We dint know how they treated him or if it was. Just a case of closed off people.

Saying "I'd box his ears" and that there's no excuse isn't as easy when the person hasn't been nice to you.

We provided a duty of care towards my grandfather at the end of his life and ensured he was in a home that would take care of him and provided what he needed, but there was no love there after how he behaved towards us all (at least 4 generations harmed by him and his violent abusive behaviour) and we did "oh ffs." when the care home called or the hospitals did and made it clear that we were only doing the bare minimum.

If he is warm and loving towards you and your children /other relatives then you need to look at what had happened to create a relationship such as theirs. It's not just a simple case of "they're old now, get over it."

Do you not have any critical thinking of your own? Is that your experience of all only children? Do people with siblings never behave like this?

I'd class any parents who sent a child away to boarding school at that age as abusive @Isit2026yet. Then suddenly moving close when they needed help wouldn't go down well either when they'd barely bothered to be parents.