To think husband needs to adjust hit attitude to his parents

It's not truly about the trivial things, he is rightfully angry at being abandoned and traumatised as a tiny kid by them.

Encouraging them to move closer was likely also a trauma response.
Has he never had any therapy?

The parents should have enrolled him for it at the same time as sending him to boarding school.

Really, OP, I think you ought to be on his side with this situation.
Growing up emotionally neglected is horrible, and as I was unaware of, in your middle age it bites you in the arse and you can be very angry (or sad, or irritated, or overreacting, whatever).
I always look to the parents, when there is an issue with adults.
In most cases, it transpires there was at last emotional abuse.

I was going to say he’s being awful but actually… they weren’t there to care for him at 6 so why should he be when they’re 80? Fuck em.

You handle your relationship with your parents in one way and he does another. Don’t interfere with that because you can’t fully understand his feelings and any anger he might be holding. You may find it hard to see but as long as he’s not being actively unkind, he doesn’t need judgment.

He might benefit from some therapy if he struggles with his childhood experiences but encourage this as something for him and not his parents.

Oh, well in that case I take it back and he has created this problem for himself.

This! I’d be fucking fuming if my parents moved 5 minutes away and I certainly wouldn’t be going round to theirs. I currently see them about twice a year when I use them to look after my dogs and if I didn’t have dogs I’d never bother to visit. I don’t like them for many reasons and my attitude to, and the way I feel about, my parents is no one else’s business.

When they mess up, do the expect him to fix it?

Haven't RTFT but am thinking surely this is because he's angry with how they have treated him, how they shipped him off to boarding school as a small child, hqve now moved close to him to seemingly pressure him to do more with/for them, and left him with all the responsibility for them as an only child. However no doubt he feels guilty about feeling like that so resolves to go and help them. But gets annoyed when they bollocks stuff up because it feels like yet more pressure on him as it is a reminder they need his help. YABU to intervene in his family dynamics and to tell him how to feel. For sure encourage him to get therapy to process his feelings and maybe try to discuss the underlying frustrations with his parents, the deeper issues, to try to resolve them for all of their benefit. But it may well be they dont acknowledge whatever those issues are and he feels worse. I have family members who never fail to make everything they've done wrong someone else's fault and who are entirely incapable of recognising why someone else might be upset, which means you can't discuss those underlying issues with them, they never get resolved, so you stay angry. And guilt is all part of that. Try to support him instead of telling him what to do and how to feel - shutting up and just bearing it might be impossible for him but also it could be very harmful to his health and lead to depression, bottling things up can be very damaging.

I don't think I'm ignorant thanks. I've just had the misfortune to meet a fair few spoiled only children though and that's obviously coloured my view. No offence intended.

Going to boarding school can be very damaging. I sense you're comparing your own childhood with his and how you treat your parents now with how he treats his. It's unacceptable to you obviously. Do you think you've been harder done by and so he doesn't have the right to his feelings and should bite his tongue like you do? Why is that do you think?

Oh my that's so sad. Sent away as a young child and they have the audacity to move 5 mins away so he's free to care for then in their old age! They have truly played him! No wonder he's angry!

@Isit2026yetas I have mentioned: I am also an only child and the illogical thinking from my parents drives me fucking bananas too. That and ill thought out, unsubstantiated, intolerant right wing views.

Oh, and the fact they still think they have the right to comment on decisions we have made regarding our son’s raising when they’re peripherally involved in his life. And have ONLY ONE GRANDCHILD.

Yes, this.
Also, OP is so judgemental and full of decency to parents in law, what if they were abusive?
She would likely know F all about the extent.

I think you should speak to him and suggest his parents come to your house to visit. I refuse to let my mother through the door of my house as she just endlessly criticises everything about my house every time she visits. There's no reason for it other than it's just how she is. I visit her instead (and for very short visits)..

Tbh most modern middle class children I meet (whether with or without siblings) are utterly indulged beyond anything I experienced as a child and beyond anything my only child is experiencing in our raising of him.

It is an attitude to parenting, not an only child thing. You’re pretty ignorant @pinkyredrose

Tbh any parents who sent their 6 yo infant away deserve effing, blinding and a whole lot more. What the fuck?

Does this upset his parents? I'm asking because it almost sounds like this is how they communicate - or even, god help them, show affection. You said his mother's similar. As it's only happening at their home, there could be a sense that they need or deserve everything to be perfect. It isn't, and he says so. Perhaps his mother would say it if DH wasn't there.

I feel sorry for the dad - nobody wants instant criticism of their efforts - but is he the same as well?

My DH is exactly the same with his parents, displays contempt when they do something odd/unthinking, however minor. He had a similar experience as a child (not boarding school but similar abandonment) so it's interesting that they regress in the same way. I feel really uncomfortable being around them but they just seem to carry on/ignore and will probably never discuss it

Really? Evidence?