Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday gift that I really don’t want…

86 replies

Thingsthatgo · 04/01/2026 16:27

It’s a big birthday for me this year - I quite like my birthday usually, and don’t mind a bit of a fuss, but my ideal celebration would be with DH and our children going to a show with a night in a hotel.
My PIL and I have a fairly scratchy relationship, but we tolerate each other and try to keep things friendly. Over Christmas they announced to everyone that their big birthday gift to me is a holiday for all of us in Europe, including my BIL, all staying together in one house, travelling there together in one minibus, for a week. It really is my idea of hell. If it were for DH’s birthday, and he really wanted to go, I would try and suck it up for his benefit. But I am finding it extra grating that it is my birthday gift, and it is the last thing I want to do with my annual leave.
AIBU? How do I say thanks, but no thanks?

OP posts:
SunMoonandChocolate · 06/01/2026 17:20

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

Well done OP, it must have taken courage to do that, but at least you've shown everyone that you're not a push over, and maybe they'll think before making plans for you in future.

As a matter of interest, had they already booked the holiday, or were they still thinking about it?

PopcornKitten · 06/01/2026 16:23

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

I bet you feel a weight off your shoulders after dealing with it.hopefully, MIL will be fine with your gentle refusal. Now you can sit back and enjoy what you want to do to celebrate.

GAJLY · 06/01/2026 13:41

Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

Well done op. She’s surprised you don’t want to do something that they didn’t ask you about?! 😂 Basically she wanted the holiday and tried to frame it as for your birthday! They can still do that, but not for your birthday!

Dietday · 06/01/2026 13:31

Well done.
A birthday gift is a voucher for a holiday that you use as YOU please.
It is NOT hijacking your birthday with their plan and inviting others like your BIL.

Quite bizarre and I wouldn't entertain it for a minute.

Original poster
Thingsthatgo · 06/01/2026 13:27

I spoke to MIL over the weekend - I said it was a very generous gift, but no thank you. I think she was fuming, and shocked, but I decided that I was not going to suck it up just to please them. I didn’t lie, or make up an excuse, but I was grateful for the offer, and gentle in the way I turned it down.

OP posts:
SexyFrenchDepression · 06/01/2026 11:58

I dont understand how this is a birthday present for you? A holiday they are paying for everyone?

All very odd. We often go on holiday as a big family group for big birthdays but we would pay for the birthday person collectively and then pay our own way. To pay for everyone and say its for 1 persons birthday seems strange.

surprisebaby12 · 05/01/2026 23:31

I would put money on the fact they’ve made it a “birthday present” for you so you feel too awkward to turn down their idea

PorridgeEater · 05/01/2026 23:17

Maybe they're lonely and want some company on holiday? But you have other commitments at that time don't you? (or maybe you're going to arrange some ...)

QuickPeachPoet · 05/01/2026 22:29

Thingsthatgo · 04/01/2026 17:09

Thank you all - I did say to DH that he could go with the kids, but I don’t think he wants to. I really don’t mind if they don’t get me anything at all - it would be infinitely preferable to a holiday. The journey would be so awful.
They are going to be so annoyed with me!

that is the issue when people book things behind your back, good intentions or not, that require your free time and energy.

TheWalkingDead81 · 05/01/2026 22:26

I think you have to suck it up and go. It's a lovely gesture, what's the worst that could happen?

TheWalkingDead81 · 05/01/2026 22:26

I think you have to suck it up and go. It's a lovely gesture, what's the worst that could happen?

WildLeader · 05/01/2026 22:19

Why not tell them that one of your colleagues just had THE WORST Christmas holiday ever with family and it’s confirmed what you always thought; that this really isn’t your kind of thing. Suggest a nice lunch or dinner somewhere instead

just keep repeating that this isn’t the kind of thing you want to do.

Grammarnut · 05/01/2026 22:04

I'd go. It might be fun. Where in Europe?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 05/01/2026 21:54

No way, I wouldn’t enjoy staying with my own family in shared accommodation for a week, definitely wouldn’t want to go with my in-laws.
It wouldn’t be relaxing.
I always book separate accommodation.

Judecb · 05/01/2026 21:48

You just need to be completely honest with them and tell tham that you don't want this. It's basically a present to themselves not a thoughtful gift for you.

Ladymeade · 05/01/2026 19:47

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/01/2026 16:44

It's HER birthday.
She really doesn't want to go.
People shouldn't book things and announce them to others as a fait accompli.

Show quote history

100%

CatComments · 05/01/2026 19:14

I would say I can't get the time off work but your DH and DC are able to go still. Then I would book the whole week off work, and enjoy a full week to myself in the house in peace and quiet, just me and the cats. My idea of heaven and a real birthday treat! (After paying someone to deep clean my house beforehand as well for total relaxation)

psuedocream3 · 05/01/2026 18:50

That sounds lovely despite not being quite to your tastes. For my big birthday in December, I got some snacks and a 7.5ml perfume. The only benefit is he has a big birthday next year so he knows what hes getting.

Could you for his birthday book something you want instead?

bitterbuddhist · 05/01/2026 18:16

Tell them that you'd rather the cash instead. 😂

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 04/01/2026 21:03

My idea of hell too. Just say no - that’s not what you’d like to do. They might be annoyed - but then they should have asked shouldn’t they?!

SunMoonandChocolate · 04/01/2026 20:03

Just drop MIL an email or letter, saying ' Hi MIL, I was really rather taken aback when you announced at Christmas that you want (have booked) us all to go on holiday together for my birthday. While it's an incredibly generous offer, I'm afraid I really don't enjoy holidays with anyone other than DH and the kids, as I find too many people in one place for more than a couple of days, rather overwhelming, so I'm afraid we're going to decline. Also, with it being a special birthday, I've got my heart set on having a night in a hotel, and doing a show (ideally mention one that you'd like to see) with the kids, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but feel it's better to be honest. Thanks again for the generous offer though.

She obviously won't like it, but by putting it in writing, she can't try and argue with you, and interrupt what you're saying, which she doubtless will if you or DH try telling her face to face. You'll likely get a phone call or visit, when she'll try and argue for what she wants but just stand firm and repeat what you've said in the email. Good luck.

AprilinPortugal · 04/01/2026 19:54

RandomMess · 04/01/2026 16:31

DH could go with the DC whilst you do lots of things you want to do with friends/your family?

Yeah I'd be a bit miffed if I was OP's parents!

Christmaseree · 04/01/2026 19:41

Total hell, send your DH and you stay home.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 04/01/2026 19:39

Let them be annoyed. It’s OK.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 04/01/2026 19:32

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 04/01/2026 16:37

I think you do need to act fast as from their POV they probably think they are being generous. They might want the holiday anyhow of course.

You can get DH to talk to them and say "awkward.but I have already booked OP a trip at that time myself, and she doesn't know about it so don't discuss with her..

Plus tbh not really sure it's her thing. Tell you what, why don't you and BIL go anyhow and just get OP a token present, she really likes these chocolates/ perfume/ etc".

You'd have to accept only getting a smaller gift from them but sounds like it'd be worth it?

I think this is the perfect answer.