In-laws take our belongings

They are insane.

Can you call it out in a more blunt way? "This throw is ours and you've taken it three times. Please stop stealing from us."

"No, we can't meet at my place, because you keep stealing from us."

"I'm taking this back because it's ours. Please stop stealing from your family."

You have nothing to be embarrassed about! They deserve to be thoroughly embarrassed!

This is so weird.

How can you not have a handle on telling people to stop stealing from your house?

Short of having an inventory or searching their luggage before they leave I’m not sure how you can stop them. Perhaps it is time for a conversation with them. Next time they come to stay point out that you know what they do, you’re not prepared to put up with it any longer and they are to keep their sticky fingers off your stuff!

I've known a few kleptomaniacs - compulsive thieves - and am surprised so many people never seem to have encountered the disorder.

Whatever the underlying cause of their thievery, I agree you need to be much more robust about it. Tell them you're taking your items back, don't ask!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kleptomania

I had a friend who did this, and it’s definitely stealing
she would take my makeup and other things
i stopped letting her in my house and ended the friendship

I wouldn’t have them in the house.

How exactly do you "accidentally" take 2 throws 🤣?? I mean I could understand something like borrowing a top and wearing it home. I did this christmas day, I was in a short sleeved top and cold so my sister said put my jumper on, I did and when she was leaving (we were at my parent's) I said do you want it back and she said "give it me next time you see me" I've seen her 3 times since and forgot (this has just reminded me to message her to say I forgot). I wouldnt go around her house and take 2 throws off the sofa by accident though 😆 that is known as stealing.

I'd stop inviting them over and just arrange to meet outside the house, so they aren't tempted.

Dont let them in your house anymore..

Agree. They rely on not being challenged.

It's a case of you're not coming in. Or alternatively they're searched before they leave. They'll be "outraged" for sure, but why is that your problem.

I'd also refuse to buy presents for birthdays / Christmas etc but I can be petty when really pushed (I wish I wasn't).

Absolutely batshit.
Theft pure and simple.
Your partner is an enabler.
Tension when you ask for the return of things they have stolen?
Don't allow them into your house or near your kids.
MN is such a bizarre space.
Yanbu to think this is not normal at all.
Stop tolerating it.

Whatever you tolerate will continue.

nailed it. No more visits between houses and tell them why. be clear on this with your husband. It is likely to be a sickness but not something you should have to deal with.

Whatever you tolerate will continue. A friend of mine had a sister who did this. Friend arrived home one day to find garden table and chairs missing. Sister had helped herself. She had actually hired a man and van to do this, no prior request / arrangements. It's a type of sickness.
To conclude, last straw, friend finally called her sister out - and got banned from sister's wedding 6 months later ( for calling her out, telling her to stop stealing) (Also, good luck that husband)

At theirs
take as little as possible
Actively keep your things together at their house.
Do sweeps before you leave. When you cant find something stay and keep looking and refuse to leave until its located.
When you see your stuff which they stole, say nothing... without discussion pick it up and take it out and lock it in you car. If they say anything you just say "its mine so I took it back."

When they come to you
Put their bags away in cloak room..
Don't leave them unattended in your home.
When they are leaving "wave them off" and essentially check them for stolen items and take them off. Like bag checks in for retail staff.
Dont let them leave and just neutrally keep repeating "its ours, we need it, you cant take it"

Try and meet in public spaces.

Tbh I'd be going LC they sound nuts.

I amazed how many posts I have seen recently about family members brazenly stealing stuff.

Is this common? So odd!!

Do they have keys to your home ? If so change the locks

If this is a regular thing then either they don't come in, or they get bag-checked on their way out. You can make a joke of it if you like but the bottom line is they've already demonstrated that they can't be trusted so any shocked or horrified reactions are just an attempt to make you roll over and give them permission to steal from you, they're not genuine and justifiable offense. Certainly no set of house keys. Never lend anything you can't afford to lose, and if you're visiting keep track of your belongings.

There may well be an underlying psychological condition driving the behaviour but it's not your job to enable or fund it, and you can't fix it for them.

Actually genuinely had the same with a friends . It was bizarre. I have ended up keeping them at arms length and making sure I never leave or give them anything. It is theft and it’s also weirder and with both of us it was someone we knew .

I'd focus less on their psychology and more on your own - why are you timidly asking if they "mind" you taking your own stuff back? Point out that it's yours and pick it up and take it back, every time. Followed by something like "please stop taking my belongings from my house". What a pair of CFs.

Odd.

I wouldn’t want them in my home tbh.

Well I guess Xmas present sorted for SIL, give her the throw!

It's very odd that she'd take this multiple times. I can only imagine she's thinking you will give up asking for it back.

How and when does she take it? Can you try to avoid having to nice things on display when they come over? It's all v odd !!

Stop seeing them/letting them in your house. Or at the very least you should call them out on it, loudly and in front of everyone, every time.

Who do these two think they are? Queen Mary?!

Make a fuss and a show them up every time you catch them or find something of your own. And ask them outright if they steal from shops, too. If shaming them doesn’t work, then I wouldn’t allow them in the house any more. Your husband needs to absolutely back you up, too. I can’t believe he’s not more angry, to be honest.

This is nuts!

Ok the psychology…….
your SiL is a thief
your MIL too or at best a spineless enabler

Your husband is equally spineless. No more lending them ANYTHING and I’d personally not have them in my house. Clearly to steal things, they are rifling through your possessions.
Which is my book is a red line crossed