To feel sad for my son

I’m sure the family enjoy taking him away with them and enjoy his company but a sincere thank you card would be appreciated far more than a text or even a round of drinks

As others have said, there is no need to speak to the gf - your son is 19!

Moreover, she's his girlfriend, she knows.

I know which of my friends are tight for money without them needing to 'have a word'.

This. It always amuses me when people say that wealthy people have 'no common sense' or are 'out of touch with reality'. Not really, they just know how to make the world work for them!

Do you think it's possible that your son's girlfriend's dad might be able to help your son towards a higher earning job? That is what would be ideal, although it would be very tricky to raise it. Income disparity can be a major bone of contention in relationships because it taps into people's feelings about identity and their place in the world. Obviously, your son doesn't want to feel like a poor relation, but what are his ambitions in life? Presumbaly he would like to become a higher earner.

Do not contact his girlfriend.

They’re both adults and they’re not stupid.

Your son’s girlfriend is with him because she wants to be, not because of how much money he does or doesn’t have.

This is definitely a big and important issue and needs to be talked about. Question is who do you talk to?

The girlfriend definitely not.

Your son is still very young and inexperienced so talking to him is definitely a good idea. I think a proper, handwritten thank you card from him to the family is absolutely spot on, maybe with some detail about what he enjoyed in particular. And it is a very good idea for him to think in advance about cheap but thoughtful gestures he can offer to keep things happy and even. For example, I know someone who was taken on a Borneo holiday trek by their partner's family, massive cost, could not have afforded it on own, they wrote a travel diary, just a few notes every day of dates, distances, places, species encountered, little anecdotes. It was perfect and really treasured by the family but cost almost nothing.

However, given that he is so young, I wonder if it might be a good idea for you to talk to her parents as well? Are you in contact with them already? If not, get in touch to say hello and introduce yourself and just explain about your circumstances. They may not be aware. Wealth blinds and insulates! Something like a round of drinks that represents a huge spend and signals generosity and appreciation from your son might go entirely unnoticed by them, as for them it's so minor. What you really, really want to avoid is them growing resentful of him and him constantly feeling stressed.

Sounds like a similar situation to my Dd and her bf, his family took Dd to Mexico when they had their Easter uni break, 2 weeks 5* all inc. They also paid for lots of expensive activities whilst they were there. They made it clear that Dd wouldn’t need any money whilst there though, and told her that they would be offended if she tried to pay for anything. She had a great time and sent a thank you card with a £100 gift voucher for a restaurant local to them.

I took him on our summer break, which was 2 weeks camping in Wales. Again, I paid for it, but we cooked for most of it apart from the odd chippy tea if we’d stayed at the beach for too long. We didn’t too many paid for activities as we have a kayak, a SUP and surf/body boards so were at the beach most days. As a thank you for taking him, his dad had booked us all onto a Zip world activity, which I thought was lovely of him as I wouldn’t have been able to afford that. Bf has been asking if he can come again next summer as he said it’s one of the best holidays he’s ever had 🤣 He’s even happy to miss his family trip to Marbella to come.

Don’t think that just because it costs more, it’s better, try to do something nice with them that doesn’t cost a lot.

Perhaps a nice young lad who isn’t materialistic and appreciates the value of money is exactly what they want for their daughter? Not all wealthy people are shallow enough to only want their daughters to date equally rich guys. Her parents may well have struggled at times - you never, ever know.

Definitely don't say anything, his girlfriend will be aware and probably the family too. I'm sure they all know he is currently unable to work if they have any level of communication with their daughter. Probably they don't care about the financial aspects of the trip anyway.
if it is a problem they will work it out together, or not, but it isn't your place to get involved.

That might be awhile. He’s a bird without a wing. It doesn’t look like he’ll be going back to work soon as per OP.

Or receiving charity from them.

Talk to your DS about how he feels regarding his differring financial circumstance to his GFs family. He expressed a concerns about being able to afford a round of drinks ,id advise him to discuss that concern with his GF and her family (depending on what his GF says). I dont think you should or need to directly get involved or intervene though.
I've been in your sons position and his GF families position at different points in my life and it can be ok with honest communication.
You are not what you own...
Your son obviously bring something to the party in this situation and that may be worth more than money to this affluent family.......

This...
You don't need to say anything.

Your DS and his girlfriend have been together for a good while now and I'd imagine as in you know of her parents wealth she knows his family circumstances and gives not two iotas that his, or your bank balance isn't the same as her parents.

My DC's parents/partners aren't as well off as us but all are lovely people and while we don't splash out on expensive holidays we all sit well in each other's company.

It matters more how your DS treats their DD in general more than throwing presents and expensive meals out at her.

Equally if she doesn't expect to be wined and dined on a regular basis she clearly cares for your DS as the person that stands in front of her.

No he won’t.

not unless he never says thank you or refuses to even offer one round of drinks when he is working.

Yes he should definitely know his place and the only time he should he encounter rich people is if he’s serving them or doffing his cap to them.

Leave it, he’s 19 so the chances of this relationship lasting are slim anyway. It’s between him and his GF to sort out finances.

Please don’t worry about this, but also please don’t speak to the GF.

My DC are on the other side of this. They’ve had extremely privileged upbringings and now at uni they increasingly spend time with people who don’t have their means and lifestyle.

as parents we often invite BF/GF/friends along for nights out/dinners/events/holidays. I would never expect nor want any of our guests to feel they had to contribute, it’s always on us and unless your DS GF parents are arses they’ll be exactly the same.

a thank you text would be appreciated, a card unnecessary unless he doesn’t see the parents regularly. If he really wants to go the extra mile a print out of a photo of the holiday and a note on the back expressing thanks would be a lovely thing to do, but really just that, no frame or other additions required.

the GF is still quite young at 19 and may not realise just how privileged she is. It’s worth your DS reminding her that certain things are out of his reach.

It’s not for you to say, I’m sure his girlfriend is well aware of your financial circumstances.

Its a tricky one op. I think managing these differences in income is a skill really needed in life.

He probably should be careful about too much time spent in situations where he cant reciprocate financially. Not because specifically this family.will mind (im presuming they like him and are treating him as they would their child)

But because its just.never a great imbalance.

Id definitely be looking for even part time work if I was him. Something simple he can do without both arms.

I am sure he has been raised well if he can go and fit in with a v wealthy family and as this girl loves him so nothing you should be ashamed of

They’ve been together 2.5 years so I’m sure she’s well aware of his finances and she likes him anyway, so obviously doesn’t see it as a problem.

If I were you I’d just be glad that he was getting the benefit of experiencing certain things that you are unable to give him. My sister had a boyfriend like that at a similar age and she got to fly all over the world with his family, experiences she is still very grateful for long after the relationship came to an end.

If you’re worried about him coming off as a taker or feeling somewhat forced to try and spend beyond his means when out with rounds of drinks or whatever then just encourage him to be upfront when he is there “oh I’ll just buy my own drink if that’s ok as I can’t afford a whole round”, they’ll either say ok cool or if they are as wealthy as you’re saying and like him as much as it sounds like they do, may well just say “don’t be daft it’s on us”.

I don’t know why you would consider talking to his girlfriend. They’ve been together two and a half years, obviously know each other well, I’m sure if he has anything to say about it he can tell her herself. But he seems absolutely fine though, I don’t think you need to worry.

They can’t be that impractical given that they are pretty rich and successful.

He’s an adult man. Do not contact anyone his family!

If he wants to send a thank you card that’s up to him, but it’s an unusual thing to do nowadays. A verbal and text thank you if done sincerely is fine.

I grew up poor and my husbands family is much better off, I know it always made my mum uncomfortable but she’d often try to draw attention to this fact by mentioning it. There’s no need. As long as he’s polite and grateful with her family that’s fine. If he can’t afford to buy rounds then he should speak directly to his GF. They’re adults.

“I'm feeling sad for him that we don't have that kind of lifestyle.

OP, don’t - be glad that your DS is able to benefit from this, even if only temporarily. Don’t whatever you do have a word with the GF - your DS would be mortified and would never speak to you again! Forgive me for saying so, but as they are both very young, it’s more likely than not that sooner or later they will end up going their separate ways - so let your DS enjoy it while it lasts. People with loads of money think nothing of taking their DC’s partners on holiday - my DSis used to do it all the time before her DC were married. There’s no way I could manage it, but when my DD had a BF whose family took her on a cruise, I was pleased for her that she was able to go rather than feeling eaten up that there was no way I could ever do such a thing for my own DC.

I get how you must feel and to you he's still your little boy but to others, like posters on here, he's an adult in control of his own life. You have done your job of bringing him up in what sounds like a safe, loving household and you have nothing to feel bad about. Now it's over to him.

It might be that enjoying the finer things in life now spurs him on to want that for himself and so will shape his career ambitions. Maybe one day he will be the father in law treating a child's partner?

In the meantime, it's up to him to say something if he is bothered by it and, as others have pointed out, he could well be a grounding influence for his gf.
Hopefully she and her family love him for who he is not what he has in the bank - as it should be. x