To help ds get himself a life

The job issue and the friendship issue are maybe separate things. With the friendship thing, how does DS feel about it in himself? Has he expressed a want for more friendships in his life, or does he seem quite content?

Also look at long apprenticeships. He will meet people if different ages, study, work and get paid rather than have Uni debt.

Another complete tangent to the OP but regarding a gaming life & friends.

A young disabled lad in Norway requiring assistance & unable to live a life without severe mobility problems, Mats Steen, found a whole group of friends through World of Warfare. He developed friendships with all sorts of people all over Europe over his 10yrs of gaming.
When he died gaming friends flew in from the UK & all over Europe for his funeral.
So I don’t think that friends met through gaming, even if you never meet, can be discounted.

I hope the OP’s son is doing similar during his time gaming, meeting people online might be a good thing.
The only problem is if the OP’s son is gaming through the night thus messing with his ability to have a life offline, get a job, etc but he might be getting more support online than the OP realises.

I think you should relax and be proud of him ... and proud of your parenting. As others have said he may be closer to 16 in emotional readiness for adulthood.
He is doing really well.
He has a job lined up in March.
He goes out to play squash once a week and he enjoys it.
I know two young autistic men who never leave the house.

I'm not being nasty but aren't you making it very easy for him to stay in his safe little world?
Who's paying for his food, doing the washing, tidying up and how's he getting money to play squash? He's 19 and not working. Yes he's got something lined up, but could he not temp, work in a cafe, McDonald's...it's a way of encouraging him to get out and meet people.

He will need to work sooner or later. So getting him out and in work will help him get over the rut he's in.

I also try to "go with the flow" - my DC is adult now and I can't make things happen for him but he makes things happen for himself, not always what I'd choose for him. Try not to worry. Your DS is doing pretty well - he seems contented and he will have a job in March. And here's a different perspective on whether online friendships "count" https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-47064773

This is definitely not the case, he may meet them one day too.
Both DCs made online friends as teens through mutual interests/gaming. DS actually met them (with some of his RL friends as they gamed all together). DD also met a couple at gigs (one even stayed here).
DD in particular struggled w friendships so it was as good for her (it did get better at uni/as she got older but most of her friends are ND.
i would say you can’t find friends/a life for your DS but you can make suggestions - it’s difficult if you live rurally - if he went to uni could he live at home? Living away is a totally different kettle of fish!

They don’t have to ‘count as friends’ to you. They only have to count as friends to him.

I think you’re expecting your son to conform to your idea of what a ‘normal’ 19-year-old is like, but he isn’t that person. He might be perfectly happy gaming and chatting to friends online.

I think we do, when we have a child with a disability .. we worry about the future all the time. I have learned to go with the flow a bit more, I look at DD, she’s a nice person, she’s good company, she’s not nasty to people or mean, she’s not out until all hours, or getting into trouble …. She just has a lot if online friends, and finds face to face friendships difficult. She’ll get there.

I think uni is very dependent on the young person/ course and where it is. One of mine liked uni and the youngest really disliked it. He was lonely and spent a lot of time in his room. He made friends for the second/ third year and graduated last year but hasn’t stayed in touch with anyone.

Sometimes I try to see their ‘issues’ through their eyes rather than mine. I might worry but as long as they are ok and happy that’s all that really matters surely?

I think if he's happy working and that gets him out of the house, that's really important. It's when nothing gets them out of the house it gets very stale and can be depressing. I think as someone else has said, see how the new job goes and what it opens up and go from there. There's nothing wrong with living with your parents at all, but I think it helps to see it as an option rather than something he has to do as he couldn't cope elsewhere. I have quite a few friends as well as my own ND children who have struggled a bit but are now living away from home, often with others who are ND or in mixed groups and having a great time. If he's getting work and getting a sports hobby, he is doing well.

What about https://www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/?fbclid=IwVERDUAPHnndleHRuA2FlbQIxMABzcnRjBmFwcF9pZAo2NjI4NTY4Mzc5AAEe07qN_sBkFpFNkYyykURItdElA0MDSYTZigf3G0gPxPHTMuKiMaYYbiGxFko_aem_T1CBdBfcjUaw2CbM9h6liQ

Also ND individuals are usually developmentally younger than their biological age - 18 months to 2 years younger. M

It's good though that he's living independently, and over time he may make friends. If he doesn't want to, fair enough, but at least the opportunities are there which they are not in a more remote area or hanging out with older people. I think you are right though, we worry but they may be content. I think it's important to know whether they are concerned. My brother is very content with a life with few friends but lots of acquaintances and the odd colleague, and who are we to say that's wrong?

He did but be stayed at home.

I think his upcoming job may well dramatically change things for him, even if only temporary. He will meet new people, colleagues, customers, suppliers, etc and that will build his confidence (I hope it's not a remote WFH desk/PC based job!!).

He sounds like I was as I had no real friends at school, just passing acquaintances, and never mixed with other pupils outside school for the entire time I was at secondary. My son was the same. My DH was the same!

For all three of us, in different places/different ways/different ages, it was getting out into the real working world that changed us, gave us new experiences, meet new people, change our outlook, etc. It led to both DH and I doing voluntary work alongside a full time job (again, independently, different years etc). It was one of the voluntary roles where we met - neither of us "dated" nor socialised, so we only met people through work or the voluntary work.

Son is slightly different as he hasn't done voluntary work, but did go to Uni (awful experience due to covid years), then had to move away and live independently for his first graduate job, but it was under the graduate job that he got friendly with a couple of sandwich year work experience lads (his first real in person friends), they returned to uni for a year, but he moved in with them a year later in a new city where all three of them found work. Now he has two very good friends who he spends all his time with, living with them, socialising with them etc.

So for the three of us, it was work that made the difference, gave us confidence, improved our chances of meeting new friends, etc.

I can relate to every single post on here. I also have a 19 year old old son who is the same. Except mine is at uni and he lives there. Whilst I can see he has improved a bit, he’s very much the same at uni as he is at home. He studies computer games design so all the other students are like him! Not social and just all retreat back to their rooms after class!

I worry about him but he actually seems perfectly happy with his life. Maybe we should get our kids to all meet up!

Currently thinking similar things about DS20 (also has ASD).

I think a campus university can be great for learning independence with a bit of "scaffolding" - obviously depends on the individual how much they want to / are able to do this.

One benefit is that unis tend to have a LOT of clubs for specialist interests. So there is probably a way to meet likeminded people and spend time with them in a structured way.

Another thing that has been really good for DS is volunteering with a conservation/countryside group. Again it obviously depends on the individual, but if there is anything similar your DS might want to do then it's worth trying.

In general I feel like DS needs structured activities which he can do alongside people.

The squash group sounds brilliant and I would question whether he needs to "take it further" necessarily, unless he himself is feeling unhappy about the current situation. It may well be quite enjoyable enough for him to go along each week and do the activity. Freeform social activity might not be the goal here.

I have a child with AuDHD.

she makes friends much more easily with other ND people. Her uni had an ND society and she shared a house in years 2 and 3 with two other autistic students (they were all studying astrophysics).

any ASD groups locally?

honestly though he sounds like he’s doing okay. He has a job coming up.

This is slightly morbid but a friends son in law had a group of mates he only knew online, they all turned up for his funeral in person and they valued him highly. Don’t discount online friendships.
Also he’s still growing up and probably just lagging behind in social development rather never catching up. If he’s content then try not to panic!

I feel for you OP. The advice from @ExtraOnions about moving forward in whatever way is possible is very good - progress doesn't have to always be at a consistent pace (or Indeed linear).

Personally I probably wouldn't push him to go to uni unless he has a clear idea of what to do there, and you can foresee how that will help him, as it were. Sending him off to a city where he doesn't know anyone and all of a sudden has to toe the line academically may not be the best direction at the mo.

Are you able to say what area his college course was in?