MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

IMO your DH is at fault and should make more effort with his mum. Perhaps then she would feel less upset by you appreciating your own mum. I personally think your DH should just give his mum a call not reply to her message (or ignore it, which you should not let him do as this would let him off the hook responsibility-wise). Come to some arrangement which makes both parties feel less sidelined. (If it were me, I’d have happily visited a grandparent an hour’s drive away as well as have a friends’ birthday party).

Put yourself in her shoes. If you had a best friend who had another best friend who lived next door and was seemingly with them 24/7 wouldn’t you feel like you were third fiddle? It would probably make you retreat and like you ‘couldn’t compete’ but you’d still feel upset.

As an aside I think a gushing social media post always runs the risk of making someone feel bad whether they tell you about it or not. Not everyone is lucky to have parental support for example.

When your DH responds, I would suggest it's something like "Cheddar's message was just an appreciation message to her mum and really wasn't implying anything at all about you. Cheddar's mum does a lot for us, which we both appreciate. It isn't a competition but we're sorry if that makes you feel pushed out, it's not at all our intention and we would all love for you to see more of us and the kids if that's what you want. What changes do you have in mind for how you could be more involved, mum?"

Sounds like there wouldn't be much time for your MIL to be involved anyway, given your mother seems to be there or on the phone to them all day...

@ittakes2Of course she’s more familiar with the drive to her sister’s. She does it every week. If she made the effort to visit her son and dip, she’d soon get familiar with that route too.

Maybe DH could reply “Mum, it isn’t a competition, and you are always welcome to visit us and your grandchildren. In fact we often feel sad that you don’t accept our
invitations more often. You are also free to call and chat to Dc1 whenever you like! HNY xx “

This is all on her. She isn't paticularly interested and resents that your mother is.
A few years ago my friend got pissed off with her completely disinterested mother wanting photos of the children at key moments to put up for show.
She unexpectedly ran into relatives that mentioned how devoted her parents were to her and the children, and she was confused and said we don't see them from one end of the month to the other.
Her mother had bizarrely fed them some fairytale of both parents being at her beck and call.
Things couldn't be further from the truth.
Her mother was very annoyed with her for "betraying" her parents.
Her parents had zero real interest in her as a child or her siblings, so she realised it was foolish of her to expect them to be suddenly interested in grandchildren.
She accepted it and matched their energy.
Fortunately her in laws were amazing and the children loved them, so she got on with it.

This doesn't align with anything the OP has said. You're projecting.

MIL has another son with a child, but MIL is NC with this son entirely and MIL has never met and refuses to acknowledge the child that is technically my dcs cousin. Dh’s brother and mother fell out because MIL didn’t like BILs girlfriend (mother of the other grandchild).

This does make her sound quite dogmatic or judgmental- that’s a super harsh reaction for a mother, to cut her child off.

That’s childish . My DIl is the one that organises most get togethers with me , it’s way more practical and she is the one that mainly organises the social calendar , I’m glad she doesn’t think she has to get my son to tell me .

@Gretchener yes my disabled dp drove for three hours once to help us out and mil cancelling us for hard to move hair appts ( didn't work )

YANBU OP.

She's just jealous. She has FOMO. She wants to wear the crown of the 'bestest grandparent' but can't actually be arsed to do the actual grandparenting bit, proven by her words and actions. Often this involves more than the grandchildren being delivered to you so that you can take photos and brag about being a proud GP.

Your MIL clearly has issues with her DILs judging by what you have said about her other son and his GF.

Yes, often a daughter is going to remain closer to her mum than her MIL and ipso facto, the DC. My DM however, despite working full-time, struggling financially, manages to maintain an amazing relationship with me and my brothers, their wives and all her GC. Ultimately she helps out when she can (and VERY often when she really can't but still does!!) and makes a huge effort with all her GC. They all absolutely adore her.

With my ILs on the other hand, we have just had jealousy, indifference and uselessness. They have NEVER helped out, even in our direst needs. Never call. No interest in the GC and what A level results they got etc. No surprise really that our now adult DC are not interested in them.

You reap what you sow.

Is there a FIL?

Mm. A difficult one, as its hard to see where your MiL would fit into your set up, because your mum is (in the nicest possible way) taking up so much space in your family. Realistically you don't want two of them calling multiple times a day, having your DC all the time and never off your doorstep, do you? So MiL can never be anything but second fiddle.
She has the role of second place grandma, which can be a hurtful place for many paternal grandparents, and is performing it her way. Which isnt enough for you, but that's unfortunate because that's where you are.
Obviously she shouldn't be aggressive about what you post about your mum, as its her sons job to appreciate her.

Perhaps it’s a covid legacy thing for some of us @glitterpaperchain

As a DC I was often encouraged to speak to extended family by telephone and disliked it.

My DC were much older than 3 when we encouraged them to participate in video calls with grandparents (living far away), and this accelerated during covid lockdowns. They didn’t seem to mind it but as teens rarely choose to communicate with GPs that way - it was much more for the GPs, which is fair enough.

@Frogbear and the third way, they want to be too Involved and not to help parents but to take over and do it right becsuee they are better

My in laws have a close relationship with my young DC - they live on the other side of the country!

You don’t have to live 10 mins down the road to keep a relationship going.

Your husband can make one if he likes.
Stop travelling to her if she refuses to drive.
I cannot be dealing with this selective driving.
My in laws were like this, even though I like them and when it no longer suited me to travel to them, I stopped.
Road runs both ways.
You are so blessed with your mother, well done for acknowledging her.

@Conversationalcheddar can you quote that back to her re the delightful car comment !!
Maybe say what your own mum did about car seats to help her understand the differences

Sorry this is slightly off topic but I'm surprised at all the people saying calling a 3yo is silly. I have a 3yo and 3 out of 4 grandparents (husband and mine both have separated parents) live far away and they regularly call her. She chats to them, after Christmas she showed them some of her new toys, with my dad she even plays games with him. Video call not just the phone but still. I think it's a lovely way to spend time together so I'm surprised to see so many people against it!

So if I want a close relationship with my DGC I must be prepared to move house, give up work and provide free childcare?

Could be tricky as they don’t even all live in the same country and I’m still working.

And this is the perfect example why some grandparents are not heavily involved.

When you have one set who want to be a part of their grandchildren’s lives and help the parents, and another set who complain about unpaid childcare, it’s not surprising to see why one set of grandparents become closer and more involved.

YANBU OP. Your parents are involved because they want to be. Your MIL doesn’t want to be and that’s fine, but she can’t then complain she’s not put on the same pedestal.

I just wouldn't reply. Sometimes silence says it all.

You have said a lot about your parents moving to be on your doorstep/there daily vs your MiL’s reserve about driving to you.

How often do you visit her or ask to visit her (since the two hour round trip requires arrangements, ten minutes from your front door does not need such pre arrangement)?

DH’s relationship with his mum and supporting her building relationships with her grandchildren are for him to manage. He seems to have made sensible choices so far. As you say, she hasn’t made much effort. YANBU to continue in the same ways.

YABU for gushing on social media and for suggesting that MIL telephone or video call a 3 year old to keep in touch, which seems pointless.

Whoever of DH’s siblings showed MIL your social media post is U!