MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

Excellent post!
This nails it.

Hard disagree.

I completely agree.

I’d love to hear the MIL’s side of the story.

"She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”."

I think you should concentrate on being truthful, rather than thinking "about how we can respond without inflaming the situation". Because it does not sound to me as if anything you can say will soothe her - she has decided to be offended, and nothing you' can say is going to change that. So, with that in mind - better to be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Consider saying that she is not being left out, she is self-excluding from the lives of her grandchildren. That she has chosen and continues to choose not to drive to your home and that you can see that it's not the driving itself since she drives to her sister's - therefore making plain to you both that the problem is driving to Son/DIL/DGC. And yes, include that if she feels unappreciated, you would like to know what it is that she does for you that she feels merits appreciation because you're at a loss for that.

Don't allow her to berate you, when she is the author of her own fate. Turn it right back onto her.

Does your dh have a relationship with his niece/ nephew and half brother?

Your MIL sounds like mine, no effort but likes to gripe she's left out. I agree with what another poster said, reply aww to her rant and leave her to it.

As we say in Texas, some people would complain if you hung them with a new rope!

Depends on the similarity or not of the routes

Ignore her. You can’t thank someone for something they haven’t done.
the wonan is emotionally unavailable to your kids. She’s selfish with her time.
She different to your mum and she just needs to accept that. End of.
do not feel bad about it and do not give her any of the drama and attention she is fishing for.
if you do, it will be one a never-ending cycle of how she gets recognition.

(my MIL is similar). She now just does her own posts declaring how wonderful she is as a grandmother despite not bothering with her grandchildren 🤣

Or she is one of those parents that expect their adult children to chase after them and accommodate them above their own wife and children.

She has called her own son twice while he has called her numerous times. She has been invited to their home and doesn’t come, or will even come half way if I recall one of OP’s post correctly. If she was as interested in her son and grandchildren and wanted to be involved as she says her actions would show that.

I must be in a serious minority - my MIL lives 30 miles away, can’t drive, but has managed to develop a brilliant relationship with my children regardless. My own parents live 2 miles down the road, both drive, and have never been interested - turned down invites to parties, for lunch, to join us for holidays. After years of trying, we gave up. They’re now apparently very confused that my teenage children don’t know them 🤷‍♀️ YANBU, OP.

OP already says she does this distance of drive to go and see her sister all the time.

The way OP conducts her relationships with her own family members is none of the MIL’s concern. It’s OP husband’s and the MIL’s job to cultivate a positive dynamic with each other.

Well there must be some reason. Maybe she has undisclosed medical issues and doesnt like to be away from home for too long. Maybe she's a secret drinker. Who knows. It's obviously something. If she drives other places but not there then there must be something anout hoing THERE she doesnt like.

OP wrote:

Yes, me and DH had this conversation this morning. MIL’s own parents had her 3 dcs (including dh) overnight twice a week to help PIL. They went to their maternal grandmothers house every day after school during primary years so MIL could work. But MIL’s MIL was very similar to her, very distant. Dh doesn’t even know his father’s parents, despite them both still being alive (though they’d be in their early 90s now). I think she must have forgotten all this. MIL has another son with a child, but MIL is NC with this son entirely and MIL has never met and refuses to acknowledge the child that is technically my dcs cousin. Dh’s brother and mother fell out because MIL didn’t like BILs girlfriend (mother of the other grandchild). This all makes MIL sound bad but she is a lovely woman in person, we get along just fine.

Well, in that case the MIl obviously has some issue with DIL. We can never know what that is. Maybe the MOL is a selfish, unfriendly person who wants everything her own way, or maybe the OP was someone she didnt take to when threy first met, or maybe it's a bit of difficulty on both sides. We'll never know.

I agree you need to make an effort as a grandparents, and you reap what you sow in many cases. She sounds like she wants the status without the effort. But I'm wondering if she feels almost like there's no point coming to your house because your dm would already be there. If your dm is in the house so often does she feel she would be sidelined if she visited. I realise she should have tried to build a relationship and it seems she wants a minimal relationship, but could she feel inadequate so has backed off. It sounds like your mum virtually lives at your house, and this has been the case since day one almost. Faced with that she may feel she can't compete and has backed off defensively, because even average contact by a gm would seem very low by comparison.

OP explained in her post that it is normal in their culture for grandparents to have this much involvement.

My own in-laws have the same level of involvement with their daughter and grandchildren and they’re British.

Saying that, MIL could meet them half way instead of expecting them to chase after her from what I read from OP’s posts.

Thanking or praising one person for something they’ve done isn’t a suggestion that anyone else doesn’t deserve thanks or praise and I think it’s odd to jump to that conclusion. Even more so if it’s evident that the other person has really gone above and beyond the call of duty for the person who’s thanking them.

She gets what she gives.

Your mom is nearby and puts in a ton of time and effort with your kids.

Your MIL won't drive to yours when you have 2 kids, one very young. You've tried to involve her by sending pics with no response. You said she snapped at you when you made a remark about car seats in her new car and flat out told you she:s done raising kids and won't be raising yours. She's keeping a deliberate distance from yours because she doesn't want to do what your mom is doing. But she expects pats on the back on SM.

Her expectations are doomed to disappointment unless she actually, you know, does something.

Drop the rope and let your husband deal with her.

Your mom sounds lovely.

Honestly, I'd just shrug and let DH deal with it. It's his mum.

I agree.

I’m going against the grain, but your relationship with your mum sounds very intense and I imagine the MIL feels it quite difficult to infiltrate the dynamic.

Did you miss the bit where mil wanted the op to drive to her house so she could meet the baby - within a week of op giving birth? And that mil can’t drive an hour to op’s house, or meet halfway, but drives the same distance every week to visit her sister?

What is an entitled MIL/ boy mum?

Please ignore all the entitled MIL/boy muns here, you've done nothing wrong unless you have made it hard for her to get involved this is her doing, if driving is an issue she can call her son and say I'd love to see them can we meet can you drive us ect, she can text and ask how they are ect it's your husbands responsibility to involve her or her own responsibility. Not yours