MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

Hey. I'm nearly 70 and while I sometimes don't see a message instantly I do see them eventually, being in her 60s is no excuse
Is the driving because she doesn't like driving in the dark, if so that's a bit of a bummer at this time of the year, but not in the summer. At this time of the year she could set out early and have the morning and most of the afternoon we ith them. And still be driving in the light

As you say, the effort needs to come from both sides. The OP has made effort, despite being busy with two small children and both parents working.The MIL needs to make some effort. The SM post was nothing to do with her (she doesn't even use SM so it clearly wasn't directed at her in a passive aggressive way) but her reaction speaks volumes doesn't it, making the whole thing about her.

It seems like you think all the responsibility lies with OP to keep MIL happy, and that MIL can’t be expected to manage her own feelings herself.

I know we only have one side, but it seems like a tricky balance to keep her happy in having her involved, but not involved enough to think she was raising their kids. Do you feel really confident that you would be getting the balance right? And what would that balance be for you?
How about SIL sending that message - nothing problematic in that for you.

I don’t know if you have a DIL/SIL but would you say to them “It would be hurtful to me if you say nice things about your parents.” I also can’t see the difference between saying it on SM and saying it physically in your presence so is it the case that hearing nice things about others is hurtful to you. Do you think that would make you a little over sensitive- is it at least a point of view you would be prepared to stand up for?

Laughing at young Billy Bob and Mary

Oh yes and mine drives all over the place to see distant relations, friends etc but not the kids.

My mum is like your MIL. My in laws are super involved and the kids have a really good relationship with them. Partially it is geography but mostly she’s just distant but doesn’t like that MIL has a better relationship when she makes zero effort. Retired and perfectly capable of driving whereas we work full time and have 3 children. Mine are now teens and frankly you reap what you sow with relationships with kids. I used to try very hard to get her more involved but it is was all very one sided so I made my peace, ignored any nonsense.

OP, to me it sounds like it's bruised your Mil ego and your DSIL had no reason to show her the post or even tell her about it.

I agree that it's your DH place to have maybe a heart to heart type conversation, choosing his words carefully because it sounds like that's what you (both) have to do anyway.

He needs to ask her why she can drive the same distance to her sisters yet not to see her family who want to have her there.

Do you guys ever drive up/down/left/right to her?

Maybe leave out the car seats jokes lol at least until this has blown over 😁

It wasn't thoughtless.
MIL doesn't even have Instagram so is SIL stirring the pot?
OP can gush about her mum as much as she likes - it's a free country (supposedly).
She has no obligation to put MIL feelings ahead of her own gratitude

A lot of people publicly thank the ones who help them.
OPs mum has massively supported her throughout the year.
MIL chooses not to. OP hasn't discouraged her, MIL has been invited to the family home and says she can't drive that distance yet does drive that distance to visit someone else.

It's all on the MIL.

Did you actually read all of OP’s posts?

Frail or not, depressed or not, it doesn’t change her complaining about effort she does not put in herself with her own son and grandchildren. It doesn’t change the impact that it has on her son and their relationship that he has to always put the effort in as does his wife and he gets next to nothing back.

He’s not happy with her text and few adult children would be if their own parents are only able to bring themselves to contact them is to complain about the efforts of someone else towards them instead of stepping up more. She obviously found the time and energy to text an unnecessary message about her feelings over something she was shown (since she doesn’t have SM and neither does her son, DH’s husband) and complain about how unappreciated she feels when she can’t even call or text and ask after her own grandchildren.

My MIL was like this. (RIP now and my kids are older.) My mum was not super-involved like yours and lived much further away but she was much more interested and involved than MIL.

MIL was very much "I've done my time" and showed hardly any interest except when she had a family friend or distant relative visiting and suddenly wanted to show off her grandchildren and would order us to turn up at an appointed day/time and blow her top if we were already busy. She was the same with our wedding, barely any interest and very dismissive ( "oh I don't know if I'll be able to come, I might book a holiday in July") then 2 weeks before threw a massive strop saying we'd "marginalised" her by not consulting her about the arrangements.

There's no winning with people like that. I think I'd just put the ball back in her court. Say sorry you feel like that, how would you like to be involved and what would you like to be acknowledged going forward?

That should be BIL law had kids not SIL. Her daughter doesn’t have any children- just DH and his brother have children.

This sounds like my MIL. She has never had much time for my daughter. She has never been to our house and we have lived here for 12 years now, she do visit our old house once before DD was born. DH and I have been together for 20 years for context. she didn’t even come to see up in the hospital when DD was born and we were in for 4 days as her dog was feeling a bit poorly.

When DD was a baby we didn’t have a car but made the effort to go see her once a week, it involved a train ride and 10 minute uphill walk in all weathers with a pram. She drives. We did give up eventually as work schedules changed and it was hard to get a regular day to visit.

My BIL lives in another country and she will fly out to see them 2/3 times a year. When SIL had her kids she went to stay with them each time for a three weeks to help out. But coming to see up who live 15 minutes away is too far for her to travel ‘at her age’ as she puts it.

DD is now 16 and she barely knows her. it’s her loss. BILs 3 kids are much closer to her despite them living about 4000 miles away and she video calls them twice a week.

Well don’t bloody moan about it, it is what it is! They can’t thank her for nothing!
MIL relationships with other DIL says it all.

Love this!

Strongly agree, and this an undervalued perspective on this thread. There are many reasons that this MiL could seem more distant beyond ‘not putting in the effort’ - e.g. the influence of her childhood or background, depression, just generally finding it harder to open up a bond, illness, developing frailty. The take on the MiL seems very one dimensional and the idea that the value of a grandparent boils down to perceived effort is wrong.

It could be its the actual road.

An hour on country easy drive roads vs an hour of motorway way or an hour of stress driving across a city.

Might also be time of day, daytime is easier than evenings especially in winter dark nights.

Oh so hilarious that the woman who is "done raising my kids, I'm not going to raise yours" frequently leaned on her own parents for child care 😂😂😂

Of course you SHOULD have made a post about your own mother. She sounds a lot like mine. Very uninterested

Her mil doesn’t have sm/instagram, and was shown the post by op’s sil. Op can post what she likes on Instagram of course, her choice. Just as it was mil’s choice not to visit, to only phone twice a year, to not reply to photos of the dc that op sent, not attend her gc’s birthday party, and to say that she had raised her own kids and wasn’t going to raise op’s.
Maybe read all the op’s posts?

Exactly this. I think you’re being very unreasonable about several things. Just because she manages to drive to a certain place with no issue it doesn’t mean that a similar length car journey is just as easy for her.
You should never have been so thoughtless as to post such a gushing post on social media highlighting you Mum and making her sound like a saint, I’m sure your MIL found that hurtful.
As for the phone calls, do you children ever phone your MIL? Maybe start with that.
i certainly don’t think it’s too late to rectify the situation and build some bridges but the effort needs to come from both sides.
Where does your husband stand in all this?

She feels unappreciated? Id ask her outright what exactly she thinks she should be appreciated for....

Be honest with her- say you are not involved, you don't make an effort to see my DC do you want me to make that public on Instagram? Don't take the children to see her-if she isn't interested in being involved that's fine, don't push it.
Talk to your husband about it- he's getting the push back, so you need to be on the same page.

Your MIL sounds hard work and rather mean, only thing is you are broadcasting it by posting anything on social media and that makes it people's business... Does your SIL have kids? Maybe suggests what's going on with their dynamic, what reaction was she expecting? Did she want to rub her mum's face in it? And then her Mum feeling excluded or inadequate or unappreciated... I think you are doing what you can to involve your MIL and there's not much more you can do but maybe find more personal ways to show your appreciation of your Mum.

Suggested reply:
Hi [MIL]
We're sorry that you've read more into the instagrm post than was intended.
[DM] has been a huge support with the children, which has gone well beyond that normally expected from a DGM and Cheddar felt it was important to acknowledge this. Cheddar would never want you or any other member of our family to feel criticised in comparison.
There has never been any expectation that you or any other family member would devote time to helping with our children. We are very grateful to [DM] for the time she has chosen to spend with us and, at the same time, we thought you were happy with the level of involvement you have had.
We would happily welcome you being more involved in DCs lives if that's something you would like to do. We would all love for you to visit and spend more time with them. Would you like to come on the [suitable date]?
With love and best wishes,
[DH]

This message makes it clear that your DM deserves the recognition you have given her and that, if your DMIL would like the same, she needs do something that she can be thanked for.

I doubt she will take you up on the offer but she also can't complain that she didn't have the same opportunity as your DM.