Page 15 | MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

Conversationalcheddar · 2026-01-04T07:10:22+00:00

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her. MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids. Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind. AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true. YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

Newsenmum · 04/01/2026 08:19

Mapletree1985 · 04/01/2026 08:17

OP's mum knows what she needs to do in order to be included in her grandchildren's lives.

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Exactly and it’s quite clear op is happy with it.

Newsenmum · 04/01/2026 08:18

Im glad she saw it. Your mil needs to sort herself out.

And your mum is your mum! Obviously youd do it about her.

Blasterplaster · 04/01/2026 08:18

echt · 04/01/2026 08:13

So you say. The OP and her DH appear to be content, which is what matters.

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Surely the grandparents being happy matters too though? I always think people who treat their parents as constant free childcare are shady.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 04/01/2026 08:17

Conversationalcheddar · 04/01/2026 07:26

He hasn’t yet. We were both so shocked by her message we agreed to wait until we are less emotional about it, so we can reply more calmly. Dh is very much of the opinion she’s just fishing for drama and doesn’t want to engage with it. He will reply, but we need to think about how we can respond without inflaming the situation.

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I have a 3 and 1 yr old and a useless mil so you have my sympathy.

It is hard work at this age.

Key points for him to raise is this situation is thst overall this is of her own making

in the past year, she has called us twice, every other of the X times we spoke it was us making the effort.
She never visits you yet drives to her sisters every week, we are the same distance apart. If she made the same effort for her GC she'd be closer.
When his lovely wife took time out to send pictures she either responded to him (which is rude and doesnt acknowledfe your effort) or didnt respond at all or wrote something that is brief and unrespondable to "awww". If she wants involvement she needs to engage. "X looks lovely. Are her teeth still coming in?" / "that dress is cute wheres it from" / " the children are thriving you guys are doing a great job" / anything beyond heart emoji or awww.
Shes retired and has a lot .ore time so typically would be the one doing 60/40 as it is she does 20 to your 80. If she put in more effort she'd have the relati9nshop she wants.
The reality is his mil does do a huge amount to help this tricky period. Acknowledging that isnt wrong. She should be happy about the fact this woman is making her son and GCs lives better/easier / move filled with love - you cannot have enough people to love your child.

He really should have a heart to heart lay it out and discuss how she wants to change things to be closer.

Ps. Your mum sounds great and the relationship your describe between her and your kids would make my heart sing!!

Mapletree1985 · 04/01/2026 08:17

luckylavender · 04/01/2026 07:54

She sounds a bit silly but your mother seems overinvolved to me. I would find that quite suffocating.

OP's mum knows what she needs to do in order to be included in her grandchildren's lives.

Twasasurprise · 04/01/2026 08:17

Was your post written from "us" or from just you? You mention that you could have added that we appreciate MIL too, so I wonder.

If the post was gushing and from the perspective of "We appreciate my amazing mum, she does so much for us" , I can see why her nose is out of joint.

Either way, her problem should be with her son., not you.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2026 08:17

SomewhatAnnoyed · 04/01/2026 07:36

I agree.

It’s easy for mothers of fathers to feel pushed out as usually the mums of young kids concentrate on their own family. She may not feel comfortable chatting away to a 3 and 7 month old on the phone, especially if she doesn’t see them all the time like your mum. I’m guessing your mum lives much closer to you so it’s been a lot easier to develop a closer relationship with them. Also the criticism on her driving - are they two exact same journeys, or is the one to her sister easier or one she has traveled for years so she is far more comfortable driving it as she gets older? Did you intentionally make your family home close to your parents? If so why was that your priority and why did his mum lose out?

You sound really hash OP. Your mum won’t be around forever and neither will your MIL. Your OH may feel pissed off that his family are being sidelined when they’re gone if you’re welcoming and prioritising yours and criticising his.

He obv needs to take responsibility too but if you’re the dominant force and teaming up with your mum it’s going to be harder for him to enable his mum to have equal time with your children. It’s not her fault her son won’t fight her corner and she has every right to see them as your own mother. If they both lives next door to you with the same amount of spare time that’s fair enough, but I can quite see how she’d feel more awkward and not want to push things, and that’s not going to change unless you and her son make more of an effort. You can’t complain that she’s annoying for feeling sad if you’re not more understanding of her situation.

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How the fuck is OP being harsh? Her MIL actually said to her “I’m done raising my kids, I’m not raising yours!”. MIL has made her position extremely clear. She is still invited to OP's home but refuses every invitation.

I wouldn't post gushing posts on social media about anyone, but OP is allowed to thank her mum who gives her family so much help and support and MIL has no grounds to complain as she has actively and deliberately refused to be an involved and loving grandparent.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 04/01/2026 08:16

SomewhatAnnoyed · 04/01/2026 07:36

I agree.

It’s easy for mothers of fathers to feel pushed out as usually the mums of young kids concentrate on their own family. She may not feel comfortable chatting away to a 3 and 7 month old on the phone, especially if she doesn’t see them all the time like your mum. I’m guessing your mum lives much closer to you so it’s been a lot easier to develop a closer relationship with them. Also the criticism on her driving - are they two exact same journeys, or is the one to her sister easier or one she has traveled for years so she is far more comfortable driving it as she gets older? Did you intentionally make your family home close to your parents? If so why was that your priority and why did his mum lose out?

You sound really hash OP. Your mum won’t be around forever and neither will your MIL. Your OH may feel pissed off that his family are being sidelined when they’re gone if you’re welcoming and prioritising yours and criticising his.

He obv needs to take responsibility too but if you’re the dominant force and teaming up with your mum it’s going to be harder for him to enable his mum to have equal time with your children. It’s not her fault her son won’t fight her corner and she has every right to see them as your own mother. If they both lives next door to you with the same amount of spare time that’s fair enough, but I can quite see how she’d feel more awkward and not want to push things, and that’s not going to change unless you and her son make more of an effort. You can’t complain that she’s annoying for feeling sad if you’re not more understanding of her situation.

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Mil is not elderly. She’s in her 60s. Many people still work at that age. She can drive but chooses not to drive to see her GC

echt · 04/01/2026 08:15

Mapletree1985 · 04/01/2026 08:13

No, it's not her responsibility, but it might be a nice thing to do and help create a more positive, bonded extended family. But sure, if the wife thinks there's zero necessity for any kind of relationship with her husband's mother, then it's hardly surprising MIL feels excluded. Would you also say DH has no responsibility to build any kind of relationship with his wife's mother?

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Have you read any of the OP's posts?

SALaw · 04/01/2026 08:15

I’d use it as a catalyst to try to improve things and then if she doesn’t take you up on it, you know you’ve tried. So your husband can reply to say that it would be lovely to have her more involved, what does she want to do etc and see what comes of it.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 04/01/2026 08:15

luckylavender · 04/01/2026 07:54

She sounds a bit silly but your mother seems overinvolved to me. I would find that quite suffocating.

You may feel that suffocating but the OP and her DM are clearly very close and it works for them.

IwishIcouldconfess · 04/01/2026 08:15

Conversationalcheddar · 04/01/2026 08:05

It’s normal in my mother’s culture. Dc asks to call her and I encourage. It’s a lovely thing.

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How do you get so much time. Does no-one work, go out, do activities?

All sounds very emneshed to me.

Does your mum not have a life?

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 04/01/2026 08:14

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2026 08:11

That’s sad you think that way about your own grandchildren! When I have my DGC overnight I don’t think of it as giving their parents a break, I think of it as spending quality time with my grandchildren. When I was little I lived staying at my grandmas house overnight, my DC loved staying at their grandparents too.

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Same here

Mapletree1985 · 04/01/2026 08:13

firstofallimadelight · 04/01/2026 07:23

It’s not your responsibility to make your mil feel special that’s down to your dh. If he chooses not to she needs to think about why.

No, it's not her responsibility, but it might be a nice thing to do and help create a more positive, bonded extended family. But sure, if the wife thinks there's zero necessity for any kind of relationship with her husband's mother, then it's hardly surprising MIL feels excluded. Would you also say DH has no responsibility to build any kind of relationship with his wife's mother?

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 04/01/2026 08:13

Hufflemuff · 04/01/2026 08:10

Your DH should reply: "Hi Mum, sorry youre upset by this. Its not about competing, but your unwillingness to drive to us makes it tricky to involve you. How often are you hoping to be seeing us? Maybe you could call us more? It's always me calling you - but I'd be happy to hear from you if you called me."

It puts a lot of the responsibilities moving forward onto her. She has to say - I want to see you once a month AND then you can say, how do you expect that happens, can you drive to us please? You've asked her to call you and reminded her that its always you calling her - without being confrontational.

Agree

echt · 04/01/2026 08:13

IwishIcouldconfess · 04/01/2026 08:11

You can look at me and my comments all you want.
Calling someone several times a day isn't healthy.

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So you say. The OP and her DH appear to be content, which is what matters.

Binus · 04/01/2026 08:12

SomewhatAnnoyed · 04/01/2026 07:36

I agree.

It’s easy for mothers of fathers to feel pushed out as usually the mums of young kids concentrate on their own family. She may not feel comfortable chatting away to a 3 and 7 month old on the phone, especially if she doesn’t see them all the time like your mum. I’m guessing your mum lives much closer to you so it’s been a lot easier to develop a closer relationship with them. Also the criticism on her driving - are they two exact same journeys, or is the one to her sister easier or one she has traveled for years so she is far more comfortable driving it as she gets older? Did you intentionally make your family home close to your parents? If so why was that your priority and why did his mum lose out?

You sound really hash OP. Your mum won’t be around forever and neither will your MIL. Your OH may feel pissed off that his family are being sidelined when they’re gone if you’re welcoming and prioritising yours and criticising his.

He obv needs to take responsibility too but if you’re the dominant force and teaming up with your mum it’s going to be harder for him to enable his mum to have equal time with your children. It’s not her fault her son won’t fight her corner and she has every right to see them as your own mother. If they both lives next door to you with the same amount of spare time that’s fair enough, but I can quite see how she’d feel more awkward and not want to push things, and that’s not going to change unless you and her son make more of an effort. You can’t complain that she’s annoying for feeling sad if you’re not more understanding of her situation.

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If she 'doesn't feel comfortable' on the phone and won't drive, this does actually mean the parents of very young children having to take on all the work of travel in order to try and facilitate a relationship the MIL isn't going to put herself out to have. That's what it comes down to. It is not at all harsh not to be prepared to take on that responsibility.

Womaninhouse17 · 04/01/2026 08:12

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 04/01/2026 07:21

@Blasterplaster here’s the news you might have missed - millions of people use social media to highlight things they choose. There are many worrying things people choose to do but saying thank you to someone publicly is one of the lovely things about it. I am sure OPs mum appreciated the post which was the point if it.

I know lots of people do it, but I find it odd when people make these social media public declarations, especially when they're addressed to people they see all the time anyway. I'm not saying it's wrong - I just don't understand why they do it. It just seems boastful to me. Wouldn't a private message be nicer?

IwishIcouldconfess · 04/01/2026 08:11

echt · 04/01/2026 08:07

I can hardly believe what I'm reading, not the least the bone-headed "we're only hearing half the story..." Well duh. And the judgements of the OP's relationship with her mother. Looking at you @IwishIcouldconfess

Any action to remediate this is down to the DH. Quelle surprise.

You can look at me and my comments all you want.
Calling someone several times a day isn't healthy.

PardonMe3 · 04/01/2026 08:11

She's not bothered about seeing your kids. Her behaviour demonstrates that. She's bothered that you publicly acknowledged your mum and she thinks it makes her look bad. I'd carry in regardless. I'd still acknowledge your mum publicly if you want to. If she wants a soppy instta post she actually needs to see your kids and make memories wirh them. If she doesnt even acknowledge text messages that's never going to happen.

Mapletree1985 · 04/01/2026 08:11

Hallpast · 04/01/2026 07:22

In the words of the Jam ‘what you give is what you get’. she needs to get more involved then

If she is allowed to. And clearly it can only be on OPs terms.

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2026 08:11

RosesAndHellebores · 04/01/2026 08:07

To be fair, I'm amazed your mother does so much and you let her or need it to that extent. I wonder of your MIL thinks you are taking advantage of her.

As a MIL, I'd have found your comment about making sure my new car was big enough for car seats assumptive and inappropriate. I'd like to hear from your MIL and I'm afraid as a woman in my mid 60s, who still works a professional job, I won't be raising my DIL's or DD's DC.

Help in emergencies, yes, giving my dd or DIL a break at weekends, absolutely not. Being a form of unpaid childcare, absolutely not.

How far is this drive? Is she still happy driving at night? Us oldies do develop issues with night vision which is worse on unfamiliar roads.

That’s sad you think that way about your own grandchildren! When I have my DGC overnight I don’t think of it as giving their parents a break, I think of it as spending quality time with my grandchildren. When I was little I lived staying at my grandmas house overnight, my DC loved staying at their grandparents too.

alpenguin · 04/01/2026 08:10

Yanbu!!!
If she’s anything like my MIL it’s nothing about her feelings of hurt and everything about the shame of being caught publicly for doing nothing and having no relationship with her grandkids. My ML tells everyone her grandchildren are her life which couldn’t be further from the truth. She’d hate this kind of thing because it wouldn’t fit her narrative

Hufflemuff · 04/01/2026 08:10

Your DH should reply: "Hi Mum, sorry youre upset by this. Its not about competing, but your unwillingness to drive to us makes it tricky to involve you. How often are you hoping to be seeing us? Maybe you could call us more? It's always me calling you - but I'd be happy to hear from you if you called me."

It puts a lot of the responsibilities moving forward onto her. She has to say - I want to see you once a month AND then you can say, how do you expect that happens, can you drive to us please? You've asked her to call you and reminded her that its always you calling her - without being confrontational.

Robotcustard · 04/01/2026 08:09

echt · 04/01/2026 08:08

It's in the OP's first post.

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Ahh thank you, missed that bit!