MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

I’m not on insta but when I hear things like this I cringe so badly!!! Try to tame your emotional incontinence.

My MIL was like this. I tied myself up in knots trying to give her all the opportunities to see my kids.

I’ve long since dropped the rope. Big relief. And no, her behaviour hasn’t changed. Tells everyone how much she loves being a grandma and does absolutely nothing whatsoever to demonstrate that. Still moans about not seeing them. I just ignore her.

Stop trying to appease her. She won’t change. Her relationship.. or not… with her grandkids is on her.

Offer to meet/day out, invite kids to house for lunch, take them to the park - grandparents are also full grown adults who can do this sort of thing. It doesnt need an invite from the mother.

It really isn't. (and this attitude is where the problem lies)

You are a family. Your children have grandparents.
Children barely know whether their grandparents are mummy or daddy’s parents. They are just other adults that they love.

Act as, adults (both parents), with good communication and inclusion, Expect that your children treat their grandparents the same, modelled by the adults.

In this case, does the OP’s DH have no communication with his MIL - I very much doubt it given the level of involvement.

Well if it consoles you my situation is very similar to OP's only the mother we're close to is his and the one harping on about not getting enough attention and yet doing nothing to help is my mother. So much of what OP writes is familiar; my mother claims to want to see the children but insists on me packing everyone up to go to her instead of her coming to us (even though she's completely fit and healthy and drives regularly and contentedly). Oh there are hosts of things I could say about her behaviour, whereas my MIL is an angel who's here all the time and I love her.

So be a good, kind, loving MIL who respects and is nice to your DIL and make an effort with the children and all will be well.

And you know this how? Any real evidence?

I cannot bear gushy social media posts, but you do you. That aside. I think you are being unreasonable and you’ve put your MIL in a position where she cannot possibly compete.

For context, I had a brilliant relationship with my grandparents, who I adored. None of them provided childcare, nor had me to stay for weekends “to give my parents a break”, they never took me to school or to classes, nor called on the phone to chat to me as a child, I didn’t chat to anyone on the phone as a child. I adored them just because they were my grandparents and my parents had made the effort to facilitate a relationship. I enjoyed going to visit them at their house because it was different to my own. They didn’t have toys, we sat on the sofa and chatted, or watched TV (countdown, daytime soaps mostly), I got to see old photo albums of my parents as children. I got tea and fussy biscuits instead of the squash and usual child food I got at home. Some might consider that all boring and not child-friendly, but my parents, and me (and my siblings) were meeting them at their level because they were older.

In your situation, your mother is acting as an extra parent to your children. Your MIL doesn’t want to “parent” she wants a more traditional grandparent relationship. She’s been sidelined for not being willing to babysit or help with other care.
I suspect her lack of will to drive to you is not so much about the journey as about not feeling comfortable or welcome when she arrives because your whole family dynamic doesn’t include her.

There’s a big cultural difference, I see from your update post. She is never going to meet your expectations of what a grandmother should be. You and your DH/her son could still facilitate a good relationship with her for the person she is but you all have to be willing to accept you have different expectations.

People normally do share things like this for attention then complain when it gets negative attention. Somethings are best kept private this is one of these things.

Soery you're getting a bit of a jaed time on this thread. Im unsure why so many are supporting your MiL & suggesting YOU put yourself out more to keep her involved. I disagree. Im in a very similar situation, but it's my own mother who's absent & utterly crap. Shes lives 25 mins away & has seen my kids twice in 18 months , drops off xmas pressies (didnt actually visit, literally dropped on doorstep & left), didn't even message to ask if they'd had a nice xmas. I've done the sending pics, giving updates but it doesn't encourage her to build a r'ship so i'm done with it. You can lead a horse to water & all that.

I think the weight is entirely on her & in your situation, your MIL - if she wants a r'ship with her grandchildren - have one, show interest, put in the effort. Regardless of what your own mother does, it doesn't even matter - SHE needs to step up if she wants future credit.

OP has tried to include her in their lives but her MIL isn't interested. She has actually said that she has raised her own children so will not be helping OP raise hers. MIL has made a conscious decision to be a completely hands-off grandparent, so she has no grounds to be upset about OP's post praising her mum for all her help.

So fucking what. It's what the OP wants to do.

This x 1000

Anyone who does this, unless they were ill or unable to physically get to the newborn’s address, is a selfish, awful person!

And knowing that the women drives to her own DD every week but can’t be arsed to arrange to get to see her son’s new baby, would colour my relationship with them forever!!

Why would you even want to publicly show your appreciation on Instagram? I dont get it. I show my mum I appreciate her all the time through actual spoken words said directly to her. No one else needs to hear it, perhaps who do it for all the fake likes

YANBU. Not only is she not involved, she's not your mother, and she wouldn't even have seen the post if her daughter hadn't shown her (was she shit stirring?).

You're not obliged to cater to her feelings in everything you do. Tell your DH it's his job to manage her and that if she wants soppy Instagram posts he can decide whether or not he wants to post one to keep her happy.

Your poor DH OP!

Can you imagine the response on here to ‘I am pregnant and my MIL has decided to sell up and move within 10 minutes of us’…

Time for honest conversations with your children’s grandparents. Plan ahead, compromise.

Given the move by your parents and amount of contact and visits, perhaps your MIL is upset and feels pushed out. Her one harsh comment about the car seat is a defense. From the DC’s being born, given your parents move, your DH’s family really haven't had a chance.

Can you have much more balanced discussions to make this work. You and your DH listen to how she feels?
Plan ahead together as a positive in that conversation. How about offering a shared holiday with your MIL, rather than her driving to you?
Can you plan something regular but not onerous, say meeting half way once a month, or meeting each school holiday.

If there is a plan developed and agreed with her, then she makes excuses, that is on her.

We live away from our grandchildren, work full time too. The other set of grandparents are local, see the family every day, share trips, and lunches out, birthdays, sleep overs, occasional school drop off.

We have adjusted contact to include meeting in the school holidays and occasionally a joint day out or nights away. There isn't anything we can do to change the contact but would hate it if we were admonished for not doing enough.

How can you build that relationship when you’re not invited? When the other ‘grandma’ gets invited over to help with the children?

My MIL is an angel, literally. My own mother is basically the same as the ops MIL. The issue isn't about having a son it daughter. Shit mums/absent grandparents come from both sides.

Share the load, she has 2 children, why is she so dependant on her mum?

YANBU can’t have it both ways. It’s always the ones who make no effort that get the most offended.

On a seperate note, I can’t stand the excuse of ‘I don’t like driving’ but will happily drive where they want to go. I have a couple of friends (one close friend and one work colleague) who are like this. Will happily drive for 2 hours to London to see family or go to a concert, but if we go out for the day or for dinner somewhere locally suddenly they ‘don’t like driving’ and need a lift!

and DH didn't just reply "DW posted thanking her mum for all her support this year. What do you feel she hasn't acknowledged that you've done? I'll talk to her about it because it's not fair if your efforts are not equally acknowledged"
I wish he would, I'd love to hear the answer!

This 100%

I’d love to hear your MIL’s side of the story. I feel sad for her and for potentially being in that position when my sons get married.

Op, do you have a son?

What? Why does OP have to be the one making more effort with MIL? Surely this is between DH and MIL?

She doesn't need to. If the MIL wants a good r'ship with her grandkids, she needs to build one. The poster here doesn't need to stroke MIL ego to want her to be involved. You reap what you sew

I thought you were going to say they were 4 hours away! Why on earth won’t she drive? Have you pointed out to her that she never comes to you, and she would be welcome to visit whenever she pleases?

Are there no buses or trains?

It is entirely the responsibility of your husband to facilitate and maintain relationships between them and the children. Refer her to him every single time. It is not your problem.

It is entirely normal that the mother of the children is closer to her own mother than anyone else, and that the maternal grandmother is more likely to have a greater role in the care of the children because of this mother/daughter relationship. Obviously there are exceptions!