MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

Oh god, don’t even dignify her with a reply! Or say:

Do you want us to gush about you on social media when you say things like “I’m done raising my kids, I’m not raising yours” and have only met our youngest twice? Your son calls you way more than you call him, so what “acknowledgment” of your involvement do you need here?”

She is just annoyed because your post inadvertently called her out publically but she shouldn’t expect you to lie. If she doesn’t want to be an involved grandma she should just own it!!

Or maybe like she said she has raised her kids so isn’t interested. Which is fine. My mother in law was the same and told us that repeatedly. ‘I’ve done my bit’ blah blah. - okay - so don’t get jealous when the other grandparents want to be involved.

Ours did die down a lot as looking after our kids came a massive amount of work (which my parents volunteered for gladly) but we couldn’t seem to win when the kids were younger

Is DH going to ask his mum about the driving phobia and help her? 60s not old and this could seriously impact her life and future independence. With regard to your mum, keep doing what works best for you all.

I'm surprised so many posters have misread the OP so badly. OP's MIL isn't being excluded by OP. OP's attempts to involve her have been repeatedly rebuffed and so she's stopped making the effort. At what point do you take someone at their word and action and accept they're just not that interested? I don't think OP is unreasonable to have reached that point.

@Lollylavender Again, read the OP. The mil drives a similar distance each week to see her sister.

FFS, the OP is NOT "sidelining" her mil. Her mil is declining opportunities to bond with her grandchildren.
In my case, that hackneyed old trope was disproved. My mil was fabulous, lived locally, had a very hands-on and mutually adoring relationship with the kids and I was devastated when she died.

DH can reply - “I’m sorry you feel that way. Please let me know when you’d like to come and visit the children. The children would love to see you more often”.

Maybe MIL doesn’t like to drive, maybe there are health issues, we’re only getting the op’s one sided story here

My MIl was similar. Told us all the time she had raised her kids and wasn’t her job to help us. (She was in her forties when we had our first, so it wasn’t going to be exhausting for her). Anyway eldest ended up being severely disabled and we moved close to my parents - who helped enormously despite both still working full time for many years. We all (esp the kids) benefitted from that help given ds’s disabilities but she still kept saying it wasn’t her job to do anything.

tbf she was a lot better in teen years onwards when kids needed conversation rather than looking after (except eldest).

But yeah there was some jealousy at us moving to be near my parents but I think that died down a bit when she realised just how much they did. My mum in particular was like yours and was always wanting to be hands on with the kids - couldn’t have kept her away if I tried.

Apart from anything else, if I was planning to choose and buy a new car, I would not appreciate my daughter in law telling me to get one big enough to cater for the grandchildren I 'might' take in the car a couple of times a year, and I certainly would not want ugly, bulky car seats as a permanent fixture!

Shouldn't those questions be aimed at her husband? Considering it's his Mother.

Why do so many women sideline their MILs in favour of their own mothers? Maybe it’s biological?

Reminds me of the saying ‘a daughter is for life while a son is only a son until he meets his wife’

Are you not worried your own mother isn’t enjoying her retirement as she is always on hand for you? I wouldn’t want to call someone three times a day, that’s so tying. Nice to know she is there when you need her but she needs a life too surely?

@Blasterplaster It's not the same situation at all. The OP hasn't sidelined her mil; the mil seems to have done that herself.

OP didn’t admonish her MiL. She showed immense gratitude to her DM. I’m not one for these kind of SM posts but she hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s not on OP to be trying to pull blood from a stone with MIL and trying to make something work. MIL and DH could be doing some of that. When saying it’s too far to drive she could be asking to meet in the middle. MIL most likely feels that she has been outed as not being involved which is what she’s probably really upset about when nobody else reading outside the family would likely read that far into it. Not sure why SIL or whoever shared it unless they were stirring or MIL has been feeding people the story that she’s excluded.

It’s so draining trying to involve someone who just won’t respond positively to your overtures. Eventually it’s inevitable that you stop making them because responses like these give the strong impression that the other person finds them (or you) annoying, as Cheddar says.

You say elsewhere that your DH thinks she’s fishing for drama- does she have form for that? If so I agree that the only thing to do is ignore it. Someone else suggested he say to her, ok so what would you like to change? How would you like to be more involved? Put the onus on her to come up with ideas- but without offering her any emotion or drama or blame. If she can only suggest that you spend whole days travelling to see her rather than her doing the travelling, and have birthday parties an hour away from your children’s homes, well she’s living in cloud cuckoo land, isn’t she?

@Lollylavender "How can you build that relationship when you’re not invited?"
If you read the OP's posts, you will see that they invite her to lots of things but she declines.

The instagram post was immature. I don’t like all that, op can just thank her mum - why post?

I feel for the MIL as my aunt has been in this position. Her DIL totally sidelined her in favour of her own mother. The DIL’s husband (my cousin) ended up leaving his wife because he was sick of endlessly being told how to parent his own kids by his MIL, and he was heartily sick of the expectation that his MIL would go on holiday with them every time. He feels his much more able to be a father to us kids now and is far happier for it.

You say she doesn’t mind driving a similar distance to see her sister. So what is the difference? For instance, is she worried about the drive to you for some reason, e.g. it involves motorway driving or big junctions and she’s nervous about that?

Do you invite her for specific days, e.g. "We'd all love to see you - how about you coming over for the day next Saturday or Sunday?" and if so what does she say?

Given the extreme level of your DM's involvement, which you say is normal in your culture but tbh is not usual here (and would drive me mad), your MIL is right really to say she can’t compete, isn’t she. So she needs a different role. Is there a special thing she could do with the children regularly?

It’s really up to your DH as well as you to facilitate this, but I think you’re being over-sensitive about her not phoning to speak to the children (at their age? And does she even know you would like her to?) and the "I'm not going to bring up your children" remark - that just sounds like an off-the-cuff joke to me.

Your DH needs to reply it’s up to @Conversationalcheddar what she posts on social media but for the record Mum you have made it clear you have raised your children and you aren’t raising ours and take very limited interest in our life unless even when we have tried to include you. However @Conversationalcheddar is very different and very supportive. You haven’t been sidelined at all you’ve just made different choices.

Exactly. The only reason is that you want others to see it.

Just reply “we’re both sorry you feel that way. You have an open invitation to see the DC whenever you want - you’ll always be welcome to come round” because you know perfectly well she won’t but she can’t then complain about being excluded…

you and DM sound unhealthily enmeshed though. I don’t even speak to my DH three times a day when we’re apart!

I wonder what your MILs MIL was like when MIL had babies. I wonder if she did all the running she expects you to. She certainly hasn't considered the cultural differences so may feel like she's on the back foot. She sounds a bit like my mum who sometimes just doesn't make the connection between behaviour and consequences. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but try and understand where she's coming from.

You have a very intense relationship with your parents OP and you have acknowledged this is different from most British grandparent relationships.

Did your MiL visit before your parents moved nearby?

Have you considered that your MIL may feel she can’t get a look in?

I agree that coming to yours isn’t about the distance, I think it may be because She may feel quite smothered by them ?
If she came to yours, would your parents be over? Or would she get any one in one time with you, her DS and her grandchildren, in her own way?

Just a thought, if you wanted to encourage her.