MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

It's your Mum! Say what you like and don't give in to blackmail

Perhaps you should show her that and explain that she doesn’t appear to want to be too involved.

I kind of understand how she feels, in that your mum is closer, but that takes work on both sides. Tell her she’s welcome to get the train and you’ll pick her up at the station!

I have a son. No DIL for me yet, but I do have a whole long list of what not to do, which I regularly review. Hope this makes it easier for me.

Maybe your DH could tell her that's a cultural thing - your parents go out of their way to help and you go out of your way to show gratitude. It sounds as though she is a bit of a handful, NC with SIL - Bad omen ! In any case, not your problem to deal with her, it's his! He needs your support, he's in a tricky situation.

Your MIL is out of order!

Theres lots of things here to comment on…

a) it’s your DH’s place to send messages and photos to his mum… not yours… particularly since she ignores you anyway!
b) It’s his job to thank his mum on social media - but why would he since she doesn’t have it so wouldn’t see it, he doesn’t have it so can’t post anyway! AND there’s nothing to thank her for since she’s made it very clear she’s not very interested!
c) You can post what you like on YOUR Instagram, what you post is non of your MIL or SIL’s business!!
d) SIL is shit stirring and out of order for reporting back…. I would be limiting what she can see on your social media, I don’t know if you can restrict what people can see? Or delete her all together, if she asks why say you’re not happy she stirred things up with MIL …
e) IF MIL is upset with what you’ve posted she should be messaging you!…
not her son….. what is she expecting ? Your DH to tell you off? To control what you can and can’t post?

Anyway .. no you’ve not been unreasonable, you can post whatever you like on YOUR SM….no one else’s business - not even your husbands actually. (Unless your slagging people off of course)…..
But if you want to thank someone you carry on…

Maybe DH needs to respond ‘when I have social media, and when you do something nice for us, I’ll thank you!’

OP literally says that they would be happy if she was more involved when the only thing MIL can bring herself to do is send gifts yet expects that she should get the same level of appreciation as OP’s mum who actually does beyond that.

If this was a parent that only sent gifts instead of actually calling or seeing their child without the other facilitating it and moaning about not being appreciated because the other parent thanked someone who was more involved , posters would rightly say the gifting parent was being unreasonable and should either step up more or be ignored.

If this was OP’s mum instead, people would be saying the same things as they are about MIL.

It has nothing to do with her DH’s mother being a MIL but MIL moaning about not being appreciated when why should she for doing the barest minimum. Anyone can send a gift.

MIL wouldn’t have even contacted her son in the first place if she hadn’t been shown the post considering she and her son doesn’t have social media and rarely calls her son otherwise, something several posters seem to be skipping over do some odd reason.

Priorities I guess

100% this!

I actually hope that many DIL’s have sons so that they themselves experience being a MIL themselves. Because its tough!

There are 3 parents in this relationship.

Several other posters have mentioned it as well!

Firstly how do people find the time??

I can't help the feeling that if MIL was more involved, then we would be reading a post about MIL who oversteps and doesn't have boundaries. Over the years I have been subscribed to mumsnet, I have noticed a prevalent trend that MILs are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

One dm doesn't need to be taken for granted to appease the other one... Op is entitled to gush about her own dm. Just as her dh can...
Presume he is still pondering what nice things to say..

I live 90+ miles away from my family, so my DD sees her paternal grandparents the most. At least once a week. My mum will come and visit as often as she can and we will go there as well. It was my mums birthday the other week and I made a Facebook post wishing her a happy birthday and put something like to the best grandma or whatever it was. My MIL who I get along with extremely well and who is friends with me on Facebook, hasn’t said a word and if she did then my response would be that her son can make his own post when it’s her birthday. This isn’t because I don’t like her or don’t appreciate her. This is to stop my other half expecting me to do things like that for him. It’s bad enough that I write all the cards.

🤣🫣 I realised that after about 15 seconds of asking 😆🫣

That’s the OP poster message - put in words from HIM to HIS MOTHER mil sent message to DH ergo a DH problem

Not for the Op and her mum.it isn't
Might be for you.

With you 😂

My Mother and father were totally involved with my kids and Mil & Fil were good too, so I was lucky. Find it slightly pathetic that a woman in her 60s sends stroppy texts about her hurt feelings. Obviously feeling guilty or she wouldnt have had such reaction. Never explain never complain, just dont engage in the drama. It was you saying something nice about your mum, it wasnt a dig at her. I would just say "I am sorry you see/feel it that way. No point in engaging.

@Hollyleaves , that's a tl;dr. Way, way too long.

This MIL just likes having things to complain about and she'd complain about the tirade her son sent her if he sent anything like that.

They need to just let her be. She knows.

Dear Mum

Our children are now 3 and 7mo. From the start Emma’s Mum has been in our lives helping with the kids, having older child over night when my wife went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. We are so grateful, her attention to the children is awesome.

You weren’t really involved this is your choice you send Christmas and birthday presents. You have met our youngest child twice and sees older one maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, you won’t come to us because you “doesn’t like driving” but you will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger child was born, you asked us to come to your to meet our child. This was when my wife had just given birth / why would you not see to come to your postpartum is so hard and it would have been easier for you to come here. You doesn’t call. You never asks after the kids.

My wife made post on instagram about how much she appreciates her mum and everything she’s done for us in 2025. Her mum has instagram and she wanted and was entitled to make a public acknowledgment of everything her Mum has done.

You sent me a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. I didn’t make a instagram post about you as you have not done for me what her Mum has done for us. You don’t drive to us, you could get the train or a bus or as previously said you could drive as you to drive to others. You don’t even phone once a week. There is no effort on your side and the relationship is totally one sided. We both agreed that if you just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but you just don’t. Instead you annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something you don’t do.

My wife can acknowledge and thank my mother in law however she likes on her SM.

As your son you are absolutely welcome to visit and phone and come and see our family more if you choose. This is your choice.

love you
Son

With them or me lol

I totally agree

Me!

Anyone else think that SIL was wrong for showing the post to MIL?
She wasn't meant to see the post and only did bc of SIL....

I had it the other way around. My MIL was very keen, used to have the children over, spoiled them rotten and couldn't get enough. My own mum just wasn't interested in babysitting or being a hands on granny. She gave minimal input really, although she gave gifts for Christmas and birthdays. If we went to her, she'd be affectionate, but, honestly, she didn't want grandmotherly responsibilities. She acted as if she didn't "get" small children at all (there were four of us!) and I used to feel quite hurt - but it was just that way.
Once, I needed help, as my childminder was sick and I had to get to work. She hardly knew my kids, but she did help out, a bit like a not very involved neighbour might!
She got to know them better when they were older and was better at it by the time my third came along when Id remarried.
The truth is, not everyone is mad keen, but she's wrong to complain. DH needs to get involved in this.