To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

Have you tried to look for work in a specialist school yourself?

You and DS could each be there for 3 1/2 hours.
You would gain work mates and you could stipulate that your child is not in your room/class.
Even better would be a regular school that offers some specialist classes.

You could change to work at a kinder as your child gets older and more independent.

Is there a hobby or small business opportunity that you would enjoy doing for 3 hours per day?
Making cup cakes/birthday cakes.
Photographing and painting pets.
Growing and selling herbs or flowers or eggs.
Call centre work. (work from home)

Could you actually afford for him to go part time? Would the job you get pay enough? Even if you split he doesn’t have to have them 50/50, or at all if he doesn’t want to.

Try and make sure you are claiming any carers benefits you are entitled to so you’ve got your own money.

I reported that post. Never mind being horrible, those services don't even exist or only in very extreme situations!

Unbelievable!

My youngish retired friend works at Waitrose on similar shifts - says they treat staff well.

This. I believe you're legally entitled to a carer's assessment. As the previous poster says, you can get direct payments for a child. However, as they also correctly point out, any work can still be interrupted by calls from school. Thing is, direct payments could definitely help with some of the 'boring' tasks that are never ending.

Maybe also get yourself to the doctor so you have it on record that the 'informal care' position that you're being forced into by your LA and SS is having an impact on your mental health.

Alongside this, you might want to reach out to your local carers hub who can support you to navigate this.

It is lonely and isolating bringing up a child with significant additional needs - my son is now in his 30s.

My DS was the same at that age the nursery couldn’t cope with him more than half a day and he couldn’t cope with the noise.

Separating won’t help - exH now only has DS EOW and refuses to have him holidays etc as he has to work (or spend it with his new dp). I work too but he conveniently ignores that. You can’t force the other parent to do the right thing.

Your child is 5 so now legally entitled to fulltime education which does not have to all be in school if that’s not appropriate. Look at alternative specialist providers. If you have EHCP you can ask for a personal budget to pay to make up the provision to full time. Look at Ipsea website. The council must provide full time education from age 5.

Get assessed by social care and get the appeal extended to cover this.

there will be groups of Sen parents (usually mums) in same situation which can help with the isolation. Otherwise claw back time evenings and weekends when your dh has sole responsibility. Book yourself into a hotel for a night or visit a friend. Sometimes you just need a really good sleep / break. It will get easier with full time education but you will never have the choice of career and childcare options other families have.

Your dh should be able to ask for flexible working eg so he could do drop offs or pick ups by changing work hours or work compressed hours. He doesn’t have to go parttime just work different hours if that’s possible in the job he does.

Bless you this sounds hard, what time is your husband home in the evening? Maybe you could get an evening job a couple of evenings a week. I used to work at NEXT and there were a lot of 5-9 shifts. Same with m&s also maybe some bar work, would be great for your social life.

Sounds like a Wednesday where he comes in from work and does bath / bed / dinner is a takeaway - just a night off you have to look forward to would help?

It’s a hard one to navigate if he’s not willing to flex.

My warning would be though that he is right about if you were to split- he could choose never to have the kids if he wanted to, nothing you could do and no court would ever be able to force him to do any actual parenting time, so you wouldn’t be any better off practically speaking by splitting up.

Ps dh shouldbe working for ‘your pension’ not ‘his’ pension. Please do check what financial arrangements for later life are in place for to, given you aren’t earning and can’t save for retirement yourself.

alternatively you go to work and pay for private childcare of some sort for the remainder of the day for your child. That would give you extra freedom but not do much for your financial health either.

You’re looking to blame someone for the situation you’re in, You’re not wrong to feel cheated for the life you wanted, but you and your husband are stronger together.

At the moment, you can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, so that’s why you’re searching for something to make you happy.

Unfortunately, as PP have mentioned, your child could be in a special school and you could have your ideal job working in a different school, but you’re still likely to get those calls to pick up a poorly child, or medical appointments, or one of their schools are closed/inset day etc. Your husband will still expect you to be the default parent.

If you can, get a carers’ assessment done by social services. That will identify where you need support (LA may say they don’t have money) but it’s a starting point.

Eventually, you could get direct payments that could enable you to employ a personal assistant for your child, giving you time to do something for yourself.

Find out about local volunteer positions. I used to be a Face to Face volunteer befriender. My hours fitted around my child’s school and people understood when the sessions had to be cancelled at short notice. It also gave me a reference for when I got my school job. Anything like that on your CV makes you stand out.

Consider looking at an Open University degree. You can do that fully in your own time, at home, at your own timescale. You won’t start paying back funding for your tuition until you have a job paying over £28,000.

I know from experience how awfully challenging your life is, but if you can change the focus it may help.

I wish you luck.

Could your husband consider a flexible working request where he could extend his hours over a 9 day period and have the 10th day off, giving you a full day to yourself?

the issue is you’re not really getting any time out. Work is one thing but what do you do with your time when he’s at school now? Housework probably? You should reduce that as a sole burden on your and have dh do more of it in the evenings so that you can get out for a couple of hours every day and do something for your mental health - join a group, a yoga class, whatever gives you some regular time away from family life.

Do you have a childcare qualification? If you have why don't you get in touch with an agency and see what part time work they have. There's a huge demand for childcare staff and you may be able to get a couple of mornings a week.

There was another thread recently by a mum of 3 married to a doctor complaining about not being able to work. It should be obvious that the joint decision to have three children means someone will have to sit on the back burner for a long time. There is also never a guarantee that each child will be perfectly NT, high functioning and independent. So taking that gamble three times means a higher chance of life turning out differently than expected.

Realistically, it seems like a massive amount of stress to juggle three kids and working in a pre-school environment where you cannot suddenly drop everything to pick up a child in case of emergencies. Even if DS got into a specialist school, it would involve getting three children to two different schools in the morning and getting to work on time. Same for pick-ups. And it doesn't even include all the school related things like performances, appointments and emergencies that might happen during daytime hours. A specialist school isn't a magic bullet either...there are still hundreds of things that could go wrong which need additional parental time & support.

The job market is terrible at the moment and presumably your DH earns fairly well to be able to support a family of 5 on one salary.

In higher paying jobs it can be very very tricky to negotiate part time hours. It can be difficult enough to work your set hours.

I'm not sure working in a school will give you the break you need. Can you do something you enjoy whilst your ds is at school for.3.5 hrs. Do that a couple of times a week so you feel like you life isn't total.drudgery even if it going to a gym or an exercise class, sething for you.

Thing is though, he’s paying the mortgage and bills right? In my house at least that’s thousands a month. Have you thought practically about how you will do that with a minimum wage pre school job?!

I do totally understand your frustration but you would struggle to support your family alone and you don’t seem to mention money like you think it’s nothing?

What happens on the weekends?

I’m not sure your husband dropping down to part time would help. Even with you working part time as well there is likely to be a drop in total income, adding financial stress onto on top of an already stressful situation. That’s if you managed to dovetail your jobs completely.

What you need is time and a supportive partner. You said he comes home to tea coming - well knock that one on the head and get him to start doing the evening meal.

Do you have any hobbies that get you out of the house- preferably twice a week. One in the evening and one at the weekend. Just getting that time away makes a massive difference.

Looking after yourself is a priority - you can’t pour from an empty cup etc.

I see his point, sorry. Your entire family benefit from his job stability, presumably good pay, and predictable working hours. You are probably dreaming of going to work part time and that involving ‘adult chats’ and coffee breaks, IRL work culture changes every year and is probably nothing like it was last time you were in it - our workplace is very busy, quite stressed out and people have little time to chat. Throw in that you may well get ‘please collect your child’ calls from school, or sick kids, and overall the whole ‘part time working’ thing would be far less enjoyable that you think.

Just a practical tip - if you Google "local offer" and "your LA name" you might be able to find SEN support groups amd meet some other parents in a similar situation that way.

When DD was younger we were referred to Mencap in our area and one of the activities they mentioned was SEN football once a month on a Saturday. We didn't take it up but I had no idea before that such things existed.

Jobs such as those you are looking at are often super competitive - I know when I was looking when my DC were smaller, they all wanted at least voluntary experience. Could you use your time whilst DS is at school to volunteer in a school so that when he gets the place he needs, you’re all set to apply?

What would happen if DH went part time and you couldn't get a job or the job you got didnt work out? How would you pay the bills? Could DH go back to full time working under those circumstances? Would a low paid job in a school make up financially for DH losing half his salary?

Should you divorce and DH is working full time, he can refuse to have the children 50/50 as he works. Youd then have the children on your own for most of the time

Could DS go to a child minder type setting after his 3 and a half hours at school, or is this not feasible?

Edit: what happens if DS is in school full time? The school can't enforce part time schooling

What ages are your other dc?