To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

If you’re both on - or would be on - minimum wage then many of the answers above that post are null and void now,

given the NMW update, your husband is frankly, horrible. Selfish and mean. Stop pretending to yourself he’s lovely. He’s not.

of course he can get a NMW part time job and you can too. It might even be better financially with taxes etc.

I would probably divorce, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was not helping whilst I was on my knees with exhaustion.

But they will also have more money coming in from her working. Its not necessarily about making a profit its about op sanity

OP very likely needs the DLA for other things too.

How would divorce make her life easier??

He does 3.5 hours in main stream school so reasonably able so would only need a childminder/nanny/babysitter for 3 hours potentially only 2/3 days a week just so op can get out the house the dla will cover that

Hi OP
You have every right to feel isolated and frustrated but your situation is typical of so many who have the lion's share of cc etc.
In fairness to your husband, he is providing for you all and him going PT may not be doable financially.
I have first hand experience of the unfairness of life (details spared) and I admit to having no experience of caring for a child with complex needs.
Would you working PT enable financial responsibility to be met?
Might it be easier if you considered postponing rtw for a while?
You acknowledge your husband is a good man and I totally understand why you feel he has it easier than you.
Please talk to each other and don't let this fester and drive you apart.
Looking after young children is isolating and monotonous without the additional challenges of a child with special needs.
I remember feeling very lonely and isolated when my son was a baby. I was a single parent and none of my friends had children.
I recall feeling slightly better when I visited playgroups etc.
Moment by moment and take care OP

YOur DH isn't lovely

If you packed a bag and left, said he could be a single parent then and you'll have them EOW since that was his go-to answer for you, his tune would change.

Maybe you need to do this. Actually leave the house. Tell him to sort it out like he's expecting you to. Tell him you'll be back in 2 weeks and then you will sit down and talk about fairness to both of you going forward.

What is??

Please contact your local Carer's Centre and ask for an Adult Carer's Support Plan assessment to be carried out as this will open up doors for support for you and your family.

Can you not work evenings / weekends for now until your DS gets a place at a specialised school?

Can you consider studying with the OU to keep your CV up to date until your DS gets his placement?

Hi @Stressedoutmummyof3 my DS, a bit older than yours, is also at school part time and last year his current mainstream school's request for transfer to special school was completely mucked up by LA admin. Back to square one. DS also has higher rate DLA.
Other details of our lives are different from yours. I have different additional family responsibilities and have been a lone parent most of DSs life, at times working, currently not (due to care responsibilities and general knackeredness - we're not on Universal Credit in case anyone wonders).
The suggestion to do cleaning isn't daft. Or potentially anything you can control. At one time I did gardening, at another care support for adults. Even one or two clients a week could give you a little bit of mental respite and if you're doing something practical like cleaning or gardening your thoughts are your own and it can be helpful.
I have been a teacher and as a first step, in your shoes, I'd be wary of anything which will drain the same pool of energy.
I have a similar feeling of needing a little bit of my own adult life outside home, complex childcare and stressful family stuff. Unfortunately I can't see a way of making that work until DS is at school full time and settled.
I'm trying to think of something encouraging to say. I sometimes compare myself unfavorably to other people who are doing better or doing more. But what has come into my mind is a sad thing. I may be wrong to share it but I have remembered a disabled child, half a century ago, who was forcibly institutionalised against her mother's wishes, maybe aged 8 or 9, and it broke her and her mum. I'm glad I don't have to fight for DS to remain with me.
I really do hope you find some respite and relief somehow. It's tough and easy to feel isolated but you are not alone.

I really feel for you OP.

I was in a similar position to you in that I was forced to give up my teaching career when our 2nd DC was born and diagnosed with severe special needs. I think perhaps a lot of what is upsetting for you is that loss of identity. Its something I really struggled with - going from a respectable job to 'just' being a carer.

Sadly for me, things have not improved as eldest DC has also been diagnosed with very complex needs, and even 2 specialist placements have failed. She's now at home on an EOTAS package so I still dont get school hours in order to work or any 'me' time at all really for that matter.

I think for now there are really only 2 things that could improve your situation.

1. insist on some time for you on a weekend. Find a group/class/gym - or even just a walk to a coffee shop with a book. But LEAVE THE HOUSE. I agree with pp that your DH needs to experience sole care of your youngest on a regular basis.

2. DEFINITELY request and assessment from a disability social worker for DS and a carers assessment for yourself/DH. Be brutally honest. I had to have stern words with ours initially when she reported that I'd CHOSEN to be a SAHM. In our area at least the starting point for respite is 4 hours per week. Once this is in place make sure you use this time for YOU.

Lots of hugs and sympathy OP. Its hard for parents of non disabled children to understand- this isn't just parenting, its parenting ++ and you need and deserve support. Starting with from DH. Good luck x

I know it’s not the area you want to work in but could you try a bit of work in a different sector, evenings or a weekend shift, to see how you get on, give you a reason to get out and meet new colleagues? I’ve been a retail manager for years, a lot of my teams did things like this - 8 or 12 hours a week part time, for a bit of income and a life outside the kids. Especially in large shopping centres or retail parks as they often open long hours so you have opportunities for things like a 5-9pm shift or a weekend “Saturday girl.” Always enjoy chatting to my customers and the teams are often such a good mix of ages and life stages - everyone from students to retired teachers in my team. Husband could try and finish early one day a week or take kids on a Saturday so he has a taste of what it’s like for you!

My son was on a part time time table for 2 years, a joint choice between school and I and not one forced on me, but was the best choice for DS who was otherwise struggling to be in school at all while we awaited a named specialist.

He did 3.5 hours in, and in reality I didn't have 3.5 hours to do something for myself.

I had to get back from school, which only took 5 minutes, but when I had to go and collect him again, I had to set off sometimes up to 40-60 minutes early due to how fast the car park fills up and needing a space close to the entrance so that my eloping, slippery fish child didn't have to cross multiple rows of traffic in what is like the wild west of car parks, normal road rules aren't enforced and other parents aren't considerate of children like mine when they're flooring it to get out of the car park.

The time I had at home was often the only time I got to catch up on sleep or have a shower. There were so many days where I needed both, desperately and had to consistently choose one over the other. It was often the only time I could brush my teeth and my hair, or eat a full meal. Everything felt like I was rushing because I was. On top of that my medical appointments needed doing in this time, paperwork for EHCPs, DLA, my son's medical appointments etc all had to be done then because when he is at home it is all eyes on him.

I know people mean well to the OP by saying she should use this time for herself to do a hobby because on paper it sounds like she has a decent chunk of time but the reality of it when you're the primary carer to a part time, or school avoiding child is that the time you're not with them is still spent doing the necessary things for them, and then you have to choose which of your needs you prioritise and which you ignore.

How much money would you lose if your dh (for example) drops from 5 days to 3 days? And if you worked those two days how much could you earn in (using your example) a preschool? Do the numbers add up? That’s the first thing to consider- is it financially realistic?

If 'the state' was doing its job as it should ops dc would be in suitable full time education and social care would be supporting her to work if that's what she wants. It won't because it's cheaper to not support her or her dc appropriately and let other ignorant people think she's a benefit sponger.

To be honest it sounds more like your DH doesn’t want to do the home stuff. Which ordinarily it’s work but you’re not in an ordinary situation and your mental health is suffering.

you need to make it clear to him that you can’t and won’t carry on as things are - something has to give. If you’re looking after the children, he needs to look after you.

Yanbu. I'm in a similar situation. It wouldn't make sense for my dh to cut hours as he earns a lot more than me but I struggle with not having a proper job and career.

Having worked in early years before - I agree! But to me, it seems like OP is lonely. And it’s the adult interactions and friendships that she misses that she could get from work.

This is a really sad and unfair situation. I do get why your DH doesn’t want to get a different job because if I was asked to quit the job I love, I’d be reluctant - it’s not easy to find a job you like!

With your salary, could you not afford someone to care for your son while you’re at work? Even if that means your additional salary doesn’t make you - as a family - financially better off?

Or can you take him each afternoon to an activity or group with other parents going through the same thing?

Early Years is one of toughest jobs. Have nothing but the utmost respect for practitioners but given funding cuts and also likely SEN children in groups do think it would not be easy either. Be me being daft but couldn’t work out why someone (understandably) struggling with 1 would want up to 30+ to ‘get a break’!?

Wondered OP could volunteering be an option? Just to get you out? You have 3.5 hours daily to do something different. That wouldn’t affect your benefits etc and when you worked in early years before was that when DS born? Tough starting again in Motherhood even without additional needs if other DC young adults.

Part of the resentment seems to be you deem DH at the minute gets it much easier. Work is work though and it’s a tricky narrative to go down as makes the contributions of the other person dismissed/devalued. Be good if you and DH could find a way to help you manage though until DS hopefully gets into special education setting.

What childcare could OP use?

He can only manage 3 hours at school. At 5, he is too old for nursery and DLA isn't anywhere near enough to afford a nanny that specialises in SEN.

To be fair to your dh. Currently he is the breadwinner and there is something to be said for a secure pensionable job . If he went 3 days and you got 2 at a preschool ( tends to me minimum wage) could you afford that. If he moved jobs and it didn't work out or he didn't pass his probation could you survive on savings for a few months while he looked for something new. ? Honestly I think the solution here is for you to look for a trusted childminder that your child is comfortable with and try that for a while first. It doesn't matter if all your income goes on childcare. You get a break and a change of scene and can decide if it's something you would like long term.