To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

I have not voted because YANBU to feel the way you do.

I would absolutely hate this life.
I am a single parent and have always worked FT, obviously out of necessity but actually because I have to work for my own MH.
I need to be something other than just a mum and unpaid maid.
So I completely understand your frustration.

However, YABU to want DH to get a different job.
I am assuming you will be a TA or something similar and their wages are crap and they have no job security.
You will take a massive hit financially.

What I would be doing it is taking up an evening course that will allow you to increase your earning potential.
If it’s only 1 or 2 nights a week, then DH can refuse overtime on those days.

I would also take up a hobby such as running or even a 30min walk - where you get out of the house and do something that’s just for you with no responsibilities.

I don’t think it’s fair or sensible to ask DH to change jobs right now but you have evenings and weekends where you might not be able to work but that doesn’t mean you can’t have hobbies or go and see friends etc.

It concerns me that as well as having to cope with a child with additional needs, your DH is both unsupportive and seems to be controlling the narrative to keep you in financially vulnerable position.

Firstly, can you look at LA and charities to find out about respite care? Then maybe make an appointment at the Job Centre and see what they can do re supporting you with re/training and maybe helping you find something you could do from home just a few hours a week to keep your skills up.

Honestly I'd also consider getting legal advice about your financial position within the marriage and in the event of it ending.

Life has never been fair. 🤷‍♀️

DH won't take A/L so I can have a night off that's never going to happen. He's also not going to come home from work and help with housework. That's my job because I'm at home

Then he's a dick, sorry OP. It's not like you're sat on your arse all day long.

Three kids is a lot, especially when they're primary age before you even start factoring in extra needs. I’m not surprised you’re fed up of it I would be too, but also, it was your choice as a couple to have three kids so DH should be stepping up more.

Could you get a work from home job or an evenings or weekend job?

Could you work weekends or evenings?

Who made your husband the boss of you?

Put your foot down and TELL him you are getting an evening job.

I think from the sounds of it your bloke just isn't hearing you.

How about asking him what will happen when you crack, leave the kids with him and bugger off? I'd look him right in the eyes.

Gym

You need to focus on realistic achievable goals that relieve your frustration. Maybe yo could volunteer in a food bank for 3 hours. Or join a hymn or swimming pool.

Could you work in the evenings doing say barwork so you spend time with adults or do something you can combine with your own kids such as offer after school care to other children whether regular or in an emergency basis? I appreciate this may not be what you want, so please ignore if it wouldn't work for you.

Your OH is sounding more and more unreasonable with your updates

He doesn’t earn more than you so both of you working part time wouldn’t hurt financially - but he still won’t consider it

He won’t “let you” work evenings

Won’t help with housework once he’s off work because that’s “your job”

He would only have them EOW if you split

What an utter dinosaur. He needs to realise this is not the 1950s and it’s not fair to expect you to be the little woman stuck at home, especially as he isn’t even earning enough for you to get help in.

Sorry I don’t know what to suggest but I would be RAGING. And shame on the poster who suggested this is somehow your fault for having 3 kids. He had them too!

I totally get it..one of the hardest things about having kids with high needs was the never ending slog of grunt work. I had 2 with autism 1 with adhd and working was just another stress. I used to hop in and last about 18 months and have to quit.

I know it's not what you want to do but I would say look at jobs around your husband's hours just for now. Evening cleaning job for a few hours for eg (doesn't have to be that). He can take over when he gets in and you get a couple of hours just to be you. No need for childcare or anything like that for schools or sick kids. Because one of you is always there.

Get some of your own coin in your pocket.

You sound like you want hubby to be miserable because you are, hopefully it’s all sorted soon and you’ll be able to work.

Sending a hug. A lot of Sen parents are in the same boat. My ds2 is in a specialist provision since September but I still feel forced to stay in my current job of a ta because it's one of the few jobs that can fit around him. Finding Sen childcare is ridiculous hard and one that many parents will not understand. I have dealt with my own frustrations at being asked if I would consider teaching but feeling unable to do so because of my Sen child.

I do manage to work though because my partner did ask and get different hours to allow him to also do school runs and make appointments so it's not just me. Your husband needs to realise you both have a child with needs and it's not just you who should be accommodating them.

In the meantime I would look to find any Sen parent support groups. I attend a parent/carer session on a Friday morning which is the one day I don't work and it's really helped knowing others are in the same boat.

I think I saw the op wrote earlier that she has raised it and he said EOW

Sorry cross post about child minding - your local authority probably has a list of sen child minders

Oh, and any childminders in your area working with sen children?
May also be a good idea to put in respite request so this can also be considered at the tribunal- if you do, as for WAY more than you need. Times change and if it is agreed then it is harder to be disallowed later and ask them to arrange it- don’t take financial offer as prices often up and you mayhave to apply for more funding

EOW/ maintenance is not wiring OPs gift to expect. Her DH could request 50:50 when no maintenance would be due. Conversely, her DH may refuse any custody of the children at all, and pay a few hundred a month maintenance which is useless.

its a big risk to go into divorce expecting this particularly as OP can’t support themselves financially.

Sorry you are having such a tough time- about your tribunal- has your child got legal representation for this and/ or do you have an independent support worker- sometimes the local authority will provide them, where I lived I think Bernardo’s provided them. They are very good.
I’m afraid you are going to have to wait it out til tribunal day and don’t be surprised if local authority agrees to your requests 5 minutes before

I have suggested I work evenings DH is massively against it.

how come he gets to decide and you don't have a choice? Is he the boss of your life?

1. EOW the op will get a break
2. no resentment of knowing there’s two of you and only one is helping when he’s physically there (this is massive)
3. less housework without his stuff too
4. child maintenance plus benefits will possibly be more income than he’s bringing in

OP's husband is on a low income. I'm not talking about making a profit, I'm talking about the expense of a disabled child and paying for a nanny or childminder out of DLA may not be possible.