To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

But she would be able to afford it with the extra income plus dla.

That isn’t a given. At all. Many would not be able to. Childcare for DC with SEN can be extremely costly.

Plus, many can’t afford to use DLA for childcare. For many, disability related expenses cost far more than the DLA received before you add in childcare. If OP uses DLA for childcare, how do you suggest they afford the other disability related expenses?

How about using that time when he is in school to volunteer. You could offer regular hours and you would get to meet other adults, to spend meaningful time outside of the home and also build up experience for when he is full time and you are able to apply to paid work.

Volunteering would look great on a CV, give you something over and above other candidates and lots of places would also give you training which would up your skills. You could even offer your time at the placement that your ds already goes to so that you can give a full 3 hours without having to factor in travel. It's a great opportunity and I think would fill that need in you to do something other than housework and childcare.

You really think she'll be earning enough to afford SEN childcare?

It sounds like her DH isn't very supportive at all and would refuse to watch their son whilst she does evening/weekend work. I think that's also part of the problem as well as affording SEN childcare.

But she would be able to afford it with the extra income plus dla. Yes she may not financially benefit from working but she will get some of her life back. Ds is in school 3 1/2 hours a day so op may need another 3 hrs of childcare. So she could work 6 hours a day and pay for 3 hrs of childcare so even if she is paying the childminder/ babysitter/ nanny etc double her wage she would be able to afford it without using any dla and any of dh wage. Plus if she also does some weekend/ evening work

Out of interest how much time does he spend one to one with the kids? I bet you never get time out.

Your DP is the problem.

He hasn't put in a statutory request for part time work and won't.

You say its not financial abuse but it is because he refuses to "let" you get a job and earn your own money.

It suits him to have a skivvy and that's the problem. Working easier and he doesn't want to put himself out.

It's impossible if you can't afford to pay for it. If the DLA is already spent up every month which is likely considering it's a one household income which is a low income, where is the money going to come from?

Of course its more difficult but not impossible. I don't think op should just accept it

Does it? If she doesn't have the money, she doesn't have the money. DLA doesn't go very far because having a disabled child is expensive.

and again, childcare for a disabled child can also be very difficult to get and even more expensive than usual.

Not sure if this has already been said but if you are in the UK he is legally entitled to a full time school place. I am a SENDCo in a mainstream school. Not sure on your local authority but you could be waiting up to two years for a specialist setting place to become available. I would be speaking to school and requesting those hours be increased and things are put in place to meet his needs

It depends how desperate she is to work

But thats the OP's point. He wouldnt be making all of the money AND looking after the kids. There are several options. OP has suggested they both work PT, he said no. OP suggested working evenings, he said no.

I had an ex like this and it boiled down to him not wanting to have to be the only functioning adult in the building. I strongly suspect that this is the case here. They could easily share one FT (or actually more than FT) job between them, but he doesnt want to so the OP has to just put up with her situation as he wont allow her to change it.

Also “threatening” divorce is really weird. Do it or don’t do it, no reasonable spouse would believe a “threat” and change accordingly. He’s your husband not some randoM at work.

People always say "divorce/LTB and see how he manages with 50% share, but the reality is that most men do not take a 50% share, and there is no way to force them to. OP could also end up a lot worse off.

Not saying that it isn't an option, but to glibly say that the ex will suddenly do 50% of parenting when they haven't until now is unrealistic.

It sounds like there are bigger issues with your DH and his behaviour and attitude towards you.

It takes a village but it is often always left up to the mother. It's tough. Vent away. 🌺

Please post on the SEN board op. Unfortunately there are so many that just will not understand what it's like to be in the situation.

I do not think you're unreasonable in the slightest to feel frustrated in what is a near on impossible situation.

I've spent years trying to figure out how to make my very similar situation better. I can only conclude a time machine with crystal ball so that I had worked for a good 20 years in a good career with a high salary that by the time I had my child with additional needs I could be in a flexible role with wfh. Then add in a magic wand for support and funding. Local authorities who didn't want to make it the hardest thing going to access any support too. I'd be able to afford and find a unicorn 1to1 sen trained nanny.

In reality there are very very few women who can manage to work full time or even part time when they have a child/children with additional needs. I have the most supportive partner who has tried to move heaven and earth to support me to work too. I still had to give up my job. Maybe with the right job it would of worked better but everytime we try new jobs/shifts/routine it's exhausting in a way I'm not sure others would understand. We still over and over face the same barriers.

I think you need to grieve the life you thought you were going to have or the opportunities that are just going to be harder to achieve. That's not to say they won't ever happen but they most likely will look different. It isn't fair. It really isn't. No one chooses this life. It's an incredibly difficult situation to change. A quick Google makes it seem like there is resources but realistically for many people in many areas there is zero practical help.

I think your partner is a big issue in this. Some counselling might help you both navigate more of a way forward where you are both on the same page. He really needs to appreciate you and be willing to change things. Only when you are making decisions together appreciating eachothers sacrifices in this, will there not be building resentment. It sounds like your partner needs a lot of things pointing out to him.

I wish I had some answers op I really do. I do think talking with others who get it will really help.

i read such posts and suggestions, when clearly the man pays for everything...how he is going to make money to both pay for all his relatives and himself and still looks after 3 children

If it was me, first I would make sure the budget from my husband's salary is fair on me and the children, will keep having part time work and will focus my whole attention on developing my boy's skills at home, to help him with his future. I would never put only my desires first

Because the cold hard truth that OP is only finding out now is he doesn't want to do the hard slog of dealing with his special needs child on his own. Plus the others. But expects OP to do so.

In full honesty, I cannot see how you are going to work full time with 3 children and one with very high needs

Daft post. OP has a really hard brief just now. Anyone would objectively recognise it is challenging and unfair imho.

Yes. Comes across the real issue is OP resents DH getting what she perceives is a rest at work whilst she covers DS & home front which she deems (and may well be right) is a much harder hand. Any suggestion other than they both have a more equal childcare and housework distribution is dismissed for this reason. Not easy as it is a disgrace how little real help there is for SEN parents/children.

So...what exactly does your DH provide apart from money?

Yes money is important but he wont take AL so you can have some time off, doesnt want you to work evenings, both of those presumably because he doesnt want to care for the kids himself. He doesnt seem to care about you or offer much support. Does he do anything for anyone other than himself?

I think a non negotiable such as one full day off a month for you, that is 24 full hours would be a good start. Not "on call", no "can you just help me with..." nothing.

Sounds like he has never had to look after the kids on his own, so its time he started. Marriage counselling would be a help to renegotiate the t&c's of your marriage.

This is what I don’t understand, if DH is only on NMW then he should be able to get a PT job on the same fairly easily especially as he has experience also. Issue is he doesn’t want to allow OP a better work life balance if it means reducing his own as he’d have to step up more for the kids.

That’s not the sign of a supportive caring partner. Just reinforces my opinion that a lot of men especially get married for no other reason than to be cared for by a woman, enjoy the fun parts of kids and a family life whilst carrying on with as before with their job and building up a pension pot also so if when kids are older, they do split he’s alright Jack in terms of his retirement.