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AIBU?

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Original poster

My nanny got cosmetic surgery and can’t work

361 replies

Crispychillifriedbeef · 03/01/2026 17:26

We live overseas and we have a full time nanny. She also does cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. This is normal for the culture here. Everyone has a housekeeper / nanny / driver. We pay her well and she’s part of the family, she’s been with us 18 months with no problems.

My husband works full time and I’m a writer and a part time student. We have a small child at school and a two year old who is at home but attends an educational setting part time. My husband and I go to lots of events so need evening cover.

Anyway, we have been in our home country for 3 weeks over Christmas and the nanny has had 3 weeks paid leave. She sends me a WhatsApp today saying “I’ve had cosmetic surgery done” with various photos. She is expecting to be off work for 3-4 weeks. We come back to the country tomorrow so we’re expecting to see her tomorrow.

AIBU to be annoyed? This was sprung on me at the last minute.

OP posts:
Changename12 · 03/01/2026 18:48

I think the OP is getting a hard time. In some countries it is considered the proper thing to employ staff if you have money because there are people without jobs.
If the nanny doesn’t want to come in because of people seeing her with bruising, surely this would be annual leave.

Londonrach1 · 03/01/2026 18:48

Lack of notice..yanbu.

Legomania · 03/01/2026 18:46

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Is it really so difficult for you to imagine that people live differently in different parts of the world?

PalmTreesandPinaColada123 · 03/01/2026 18:45

WatermelonSeeds10 · 03/01/2026 18:42

Something about the post is so out of realm of normality of just figuring it out between the parents (you would split shifts OP with your husband but somehow it seems that’s is not your lifestyle). Is this a peep into the world of the rich and famous who have staff to raise children and outraged when one of them doesn’t step in line?

You sound wealthy enough OP to have resources and I’m sure you and your husband can sort out some alternative arrangement in time or maybe you will need to watch the children 😳

Really? All parents in the UK that I know have paid childcare. A range of nannies, nursery, childminders. I don't know anyone who studies and works while caring for a toddler.

PalmTreesandPinaColada123 · 03/01/2026 18:43

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She is not a servant. She is an employee. With salary, annual leave and a contract.

I would give her notice. It's completely unacceptable. If I did that, I'd be fired.

WatermelonSeeds10 · 03/01/2026 18:42

Something about the post is so out of realm of normality of just figuring it out between the parents (you would split shifts OP with your husband but somehow it seems that’s is not your lifestyle). Is this a peep into the world of the rich and famous who have staff to raise children and outraged when one of them doesn’t step in line?

You sound wealthy enough OP to have resources and I’m sure you and your husband can sort out some alternative arrangement in time or maybe you will need to watch the children 😳

ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/01/2026 18:42

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She doesn’t want the nanny’s life dedicated to her, she wants notice when the nanny declares she will be off for weeks, just like literally every single employer would.

Absolutely bonkers

Original poster
Crispychillifriedbeef · 03/01/2026 18:42

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We don’t have a live in nanny.

She has her own house.

She does the housekeeping and nannying in the afternoons when I’m working. The nanny isn’t here 24/7.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 03/01/2026 18:41

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MsDitsy · 03/01/2026 18:41

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Ain't you a delight. 😆

miamo12 · 03/01/2026 18:39

I’m guessing you are somewhere like Thailand, eye operations are really common. In these circumstances I would say to her that you are giving her notice to leave, it’s simply not acceptable to give no notice

RedToothBrush · 03/01/2026 18:39

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ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/01/2026 18:38

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 03/01/2026 18:37

The OP's domestic set up was always going to cause some ructions on the thread.

Show quote history

It was still a totally stupid point that the poster attempted to make.

Original poster
Crispychillifriedbeef · 03/01/2026 18:38

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In parts of the world, it’s normal to have paid household staff. In fact we are encouraged by my husband’s employer to employ local staff.

We attend diplomatic functions once or twice a week and sometimes travel in the region with an overnight stay. Who would you suggests takes care of the children? In our home country my parents would help but we don’t have family here.

OP posts:
TubbyTabby20 · 03/01/2026 18:38

kenadams5 · 03/01/2026 18:17

surgery is surgery. Also LOL at vanity. God forbid. 🙄

OP sounds like you are in a pickle now. Did she not think to give you any notice whatsoever? Surely that’s just the normal no matter what industry you work in.

Show quote history

Yeah that's really not the case though is it?

I had a scheduled surgery last year and had four months off work, fully paid.

A colleague had a tummy tuck a couple of months after I returned and was incensed to discover their leave would be unpaid. Then they came back after 3 weeks, got an infection and tried going off sick...and was further incensed when they were told any further bouts of leave due to the surgery would also be unpaid.

When it comes to surgery then many employers will absolutely differentiate between cosmetic and necessary.

GreyBeeplus3 · 03/01/2026 18:37

You are right to be annoyed; without no prior warning how does she think you'll manage?don't pay her 'time off' as this could be the start of her possibly taking liberties especially as you treat her 'like family'
And as for the 'cousin' you don't know them
It's up to you but I'd get another nanny
Or,
If you want to keep this one, rewrite her contract with legal help? so anything again like this and she goes

Shittyyear2025 · 03/01/2026 18:37

In every job I've had this would be unpaid leave at the express permission of the employer. It's elective cosmetic surgery that should have been planned and agreed far in advance.

This would have been immediate dismissal in at least one job I've had (I'm absolutely certain of this, and serious performance implications at least in every other one) with zero chance at tribunal. Unbelievably CF.

What is the employment law where you are op?

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 03/01/2026 18:37

ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/01/2026 18:33

A huge amount of people use paid childcare,
OP isn’t unusual.

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The OP's domestic set up was always going to cause some ructions on the thread.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 03/01/2026 18:35

Crispychillifriedbeef · 03/01/2026 17:47

Not employed by an agency.

Her solution is that her cousin who is employed part time can work in the mornings. I don’t know her cousin and I need help mainly in the afternoon / evenings. This was after I expressed some displeasure.

Her contract is 4 week’s paid holiday per year and 2 weeks of paid sick leave. Then the state pays sick leave, I think it’s 50% rate.

She should have warned you so you could plan.

imo the lack of discussion is a red flag.
I also think it speaks to a certain (shitty) attitude to take three weeks! holiday and plan your elective cosmetic surgery at the very end...

If you dont just fire her...( which I'd be inclined to do)

I would be telling her you consider this time off paid annual leave not sick leave and then I'd be looking for a new nanny because she will pull this trick again.
Then Pro-rata the holiday back off her finally salary.

She's taking the piss massively.

Abouttoblow · 03/01/2026 18:35

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Most ridiculous post so far.

outerspacepotato · 03/01/2026 18:34

She's an employee of 18 months, not a family member.

She sprang a nearly month long pre planned leave with no notice on you, I think that's grounds for firing. Find a new nanny. P

ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/01/2026 18:33

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A huge amount of people use paid childcare,
OP isn’t unusual.

usedtobeaylis · 03/01/2026 18:32

YANBU. I don't know if I would necessarily fire her if she's been with you for that long and you haven't mentioned any other issues. But you're NBU.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/01/2026 18:32

What are you aiming to do here OP? You said she’s like family so I assume you don’t want to sack her?

RedToothBrush · 03/01/2026 18:32

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