I’ve been a terrible friend

OP, I have been in your friend’s position, although it was my DH who died, after which most of my friends disappeared.

Firstly, don’t assume that she is “surrounded by friends and family”, as a PP put it. It may be that many of her friends have let her down, and it’s the loss of your friendship that is particularly painful.

Before contacting her (if you’re going to), I think you need to be honest with yourself about why you didn’t contact her after her mother died. Did you worry that you might say the wrong thing? Did it feel too depressing to contemplate death, and being around someone who was bereft, and did you worry about becoming upset yourself? Was it easier to just turn a blind eye to her sadness and hope you could resume the friendship down the line, when she’d returned to “normal”?

Once you’ve worked out why you didn’t get in touch, you could then have a think about what you would be able to offer her in future. If any of the friends who disappeared from my life got back in touch now, it would frankly piss me off if they started telling me about how much I meant to them. They weren’t there when I needed them, and, in the light of that, I don’t particularly care about what I bring to them. Who wants fair weather friends? So, if you’re going to get in touch with her, maybe think about what you can offer her going forwards. Would you be happy for her to talk to you about her grief now? Do you want to support her during the shit times, as well as benefitting from her company during the good times? If not, then maybe just accept that the friendship has run its course.

Yes - instead of writing on here, write to your friend. A letter would be more heartfelt. You seem genuinely remorseful.

I supported my friend through a messy break up. They slept on our sofa despite the space. I spent hours on the phone listening to them go on and on about the ex. I let them stay in our house whilst we went on holiday to give them a break from house sharing. When my mother died, I got a 'thinking of you' text. They had known my mother since we were teenagers. Day after the funeral I got a 'Hope it went well' text. That was it.

It did alter our friendship.

OP, how long ago were your university days when you were close? And did you say you'd spoken on the phone more than once since her mother's death? How long ago is it since her mother died?

I'm just a bit confused on the timeline of all of this. If it's been a gradually declining friendship because of geographical distance for many years, and you did acknowledge her mother's death and have spoken to her more than once since it happened, then I think she's a bit unreasonable to be blaming you...?

Honestly, I don’t think the problem is you. I think you’ve been kind and responsive with your messages. I suspect your friend is not married, or doesn’t have a partner, and doesn’t have a network of good friends locally. Your friend seems to have very high expectations of your friendship and expectations on how you should behave with her. Did your know her Mum well?

Grief affects people in different ways and sometimes it can lead to a deteriorating relationship. My next door neighbour lost her Mum quite suddenly and she became very irritable and antagonistic to others - and quite a difficult neighbour - in the aftermath. She did not cope with it well at all

I lost my husband suddenly in 2024, but I had no expectations of how others should behave towards me afterwards. I did receive a lot of messages and cards and many people came to the funeral, but I haven’t held anyone to account over how they responded to me in that time. That doesn’t feel right at all

You are being too rough on yourself. They didn't have a funeral for their mum. There wasn't natural time to visit. I think it's easy to blame yourself but like others say friendship is a two way street. Have they visited you?

Life is tricky and busy. It's hard to get away on your own and see friends. I think the best of friends don't put pressure on to visit and should be able to pick up where you left off years ago. You reached out when the mum died. Yes, maybe you could have done more but it's not fair to dump you for it.

Don’t beat yourself up. You haven’t been a bad friend, and sending a message on the anniversary was a thoughtful thing to do. I thought initially you hadn’t contacted her at all, but you had.

Maybe she noticed that the friendship was dwindling, and felt hurt by this, but life happens, and all friendships have their troughs and peaks.

Well if she's left the woman on read it makes the thread into a nonsense really.

@Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39 arrange to meet up. Go down in person. Have a weekend. I'm sure you can fix it. Water under the bridge.

This thread's a bit pointless without the OP returning to tell us what she said in her reply to her friend's text.

I think they’ve been a bit hard on you. It sounds like the friendship was already fading, due to distance and time. It happens. I wouldn’t expect other people to come to my mums funeral
either, especially if they live far away.

Did you send her flowers/a card? Did you text her? Not many people make phone calls these days when there are other forms of communication. Did you suggest a meet up when she was feeling up to it? Dropping everything and travelling 5 hours away straight away is a lot to expect when I assume she’s surrounded by family and other friends.
Unless you blanked her entirely I think you should be a bit kinder, to yourself.

I don’t have advice but wanted to jump on and say that I’ve done similar. I’m frankly awful at remembering to text / call people and have lost touch with a few wonderful people because of my lack of communication. Like you, I’m annoyed at myself for it and want to do better. However, I do think it’s hard in this modern world. Life is so busy, people come and go, some days my phone can be rammed with work, family and friend messages and I have to prioritise (and sometimes get it wrong!). Try and give yourself grace. Acknowledging you’re in the wrong and sincerely apologising is enough, do not beat yourself up for weeks on end

Did you tell them all this when you replied to the text?

If not, what did you actually say?

Just be honest. Write a letter or email to message or ask if they're free to speak and tell them what you've told us.

It’s not too late. Write a heartfelt letter or email. Explain, apologise. Give her some love now.

She’s told you she’s hurt because she wants reparation between the two of you I imagine.

Sorry, I’m not sure if you spoke to her at all after her mum’s death? You say you spoke on the phone occasionally, but was that past tense like before her mum died or did you call her since the death to check and see how she was doing?

I disagree with some of the above posts; I found grief a time when I learned who my true friends were, and there were some I felt the same about as your friend does you, although I didn't tell them, just quietly dropped them.

There's no point beating yourself up though. Do you want to salvage the friendship? If so, a sincere apology and flowers should be the first step. If there's no response, you can assume the friendship over. Alternatively, maybe it has run its course and isn't the friendship it once was? In which case just leave be.

This.

It's obviously not all on you but coming together and admitting our failings and humanity is a good idea. Speak on the phone if meeting is unrealistic. Don't text anything

You don’t owe your friend any more than you can easily give; 5 hours distance is going to change your relationship.
Life happens and people move away; you called them - if they want to blame you for not being around then I’d accept that the friendship is over. It is not worth trying to keep up as nothing you do will ever be enough.

As others have said, has she messaged you in between time? I always find it hard to know what to say and then some people like to be left alone. I would just send a message saying you found it harder and harder the longer it went and be honest why you didn’t message? The ball is in her court an a true friendship would survive this.

I would message her back apologising and say you don't want to lose the friendship and that she means a lot to you and that you will make more of an effort and maybe plan something for the 2 of you together

Long distance relationships including friendships are really hard. You’re not alone in finding it difficult to keep up a friendship where seeing eachother is rare and difficult. I know that I have lost friendships for this very reason.
I’m not sure what you expect of yourself. Yes you could have visited after your friends bereavement and that would have been a nice thing to do. But it isn’t easy. Could you ask to visit now and sort this out in person? Or accept that the friendship no longer works in your current situation, make apologies if you need to, and move on.