I’ve been a terrible friend

I agree with this, having lost a sister and my husband at young ages, plus a dad more in the natural order of things. People deal with and respond to grief very differently. The people who were the best support to me were not the ones I expected. Others could not cope. There is no point having expectations or judging. Anger can be one of the stages of grief and that may be where your friend is currently, projecting her anger with life, maybe herself, on to you. From what you say I don't think you've been a bad friend at all. Much better than most people. At some stage the bereaved person needs to reach out. Your friend has done that, although clumsily. I would be gentle and not dramatic. "I'm sorry, how can I make amends?" Do what you can. Listen. But also OP, you say life has taken you apart, which sounds like you have responsibilities - a demanding job, children? If so be realistic and honest with yourself and the friend. If your life is like that it's unreasonable to expect long-distance visits and 3 hour phone calls. Schedule 1 hour at a regular interval. Do what you can, but don't feel guilt tripped.

Knowing the right way to help someone else through a really challenging time is not easy and many people find that their friends melt away in times of crisis because a lot of people can't cope with being alongside other people's pain.

@EnidSpyton Yes, that’s exactly what happens. I’ve learnt over time that the best approach is to acknowledge the bereavement as soon as possible. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss”, perhaps a card and flowers for a close friend, is far better than keeping your distance.

People assume that a bereaved person has friends and family rallying around them, but embarrassment often keeps people away. A bereaved person is sometimes quite isolated.

Also, bereavement can leave someone shell shocked, I wasn’t a good friend to anyone for six months after my mum died.

I'd just say sorry and then leave her to it OP. You'll only do the same thing again to her, and her to you, it's not worth it.
I have a friend who never texts first, barely replies to mine, never follows up on my meet up suggestions, since she took on more responsibility at work.. she's always been a bit like that but it's so obvious now. I feel very sad about it as I've just retreated from contact pretty much, but I'd never tell her she's let me down, it's just her living her life as she chooses. Not up to me.

Please don’t write a letter. I had a friend who did this to me, inexplicably ghosted me and then years later wrote to apologise. She said she didn’t know what had made her not want to be friends, I think she just didn’t want to admit it to me or to herself.

Her cutting me off without a reason was actually a very painful time for me, it had a huge impact on my confidence and willingness to try and make new friends.

I replied politely to her letter but we didn’t resume the friendship. The letter just reopened old wounds unnecessarily.

I completely agree with this response- ultimately you are not a terrible friend if you have recognised what has gone a bit awry- the suggestion of a letter I think is the best one, more personal and thought out than a message, less emotional strain at this point for both sides than a phone call.

I think what's tricky is that there's not only no rulebook on how to be a good long distance friend with infrequent contact, there aren't even any norms. People have massively different expectations here so it's anyone's guess. I'm in the camp that would consider this relationship a more distant acquaintances with history thing rather than a friendship but it sounds like she had higher expectations.

I think what's interesting about your post is that you call yourself selfish and you know it's something you need to work on.

You didn't contact your friend because you felt guilty. By not getting in touch, you didn't have to acknowledge or deal with those feelings of guilt.

When you call yourself selfish, is that what you mean - that you avoid situations that make you feel uncomfortable? Do you find this is causing you issues in other areas of your life?

It is perfectly normal to seek to avoid discomfort, so be a bit kinder to yourself. Knowing the right way to help someone else through a really challenging time is not easy and many people find that their friends melt away in times of crisis because a lot of people can't cope with being alongside other people's pain. As humans, we are solution-focused, and it's very difficult to know how to help someone in a situation where something terrible has happened to them and there is no solution other than to accompany them through it. People are often overloaded with meals and flowers and cups of tea in the first weeks after a bereavement, for example, as that's the time when a solution can be offered. Once the months pass and the person is still sad and a frozen lasagne isn't going to be of any use, people begin to withdraw because they can't offer anything to 'make it better' and so they go into avoidance mode.

Instead of berating yourself, you need to find a way to move forward. You both clearly mean a lot to each other and your friend wouldn't have told you how hurt she is if she didn't want to salvage the relationship. I'd be making a plan to go and see her in person - making the effort to do this will mean a lot to her. Texts and letters and so on are all very well, but what she clearly wants and needs is the physical presence of a friend.

I have to say that contrary to other posters, I don't think your friend sounds particularly needy. You obviously don't physically see each other very often due to the distance. I don't think it's too much to expect someone to take up 3 hours of your time in a phone call - if you went out for dinner, you'd spend at least 3 hours together, surely? So why is a 3 hour phone call every few weeks or so that much of an imposition? I have many friends abroad and we schedule in FaceTimes that we know will be about that length of time - I only tend to see them in the flesh once a year, so a proper catch up every couple of months over the phone is going to be lengthy, and it is thoroughly enjoyable. Sometimes we even have dinner together - just eating in our own homes with the phone propped up in front of us! Perhaps instigating a routine like this of 6 week phone dinners or something would be a way of maintaining meaningful connection going forward. We have a loneliness epidemic in the western world because so many of us don't prioritise friendships and this is to all of our detriment. Maintaining relationships is an effort, but it's an incredibly worthwhile one, and something that we need to be intentional about otherwise they do fall by the wayside.

I agree @Kayoh. When someone is bereaved, you do need to make an effort with them- I discovered who my real friends weee after my Mum died and also discovered that some people ( DH’s family, for example) didn’t really care about me. It did hurt.

@Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39 You can repair this if you reach out now.

I have buried my head in the sand, and put difficult things off. The the guilt makes it worse, so the ordeal just grows and grows and it's nearly impossible then to deal with it.

I wonder if the fact the phone calls lasted 3 hours at a time is a reason you didn't call when you said you would. I honestly don't blame you. I had a friend who needed this kind of attention and often if you are working and have a life and family of your own, its not possible to dedicate that much time to someone else.

Sorry, just to clarify, did you find it hard because of the death? Or something else?
Did they ever call you or was it down to you to do the ringing?

The fact she messaged you to explain her upset probably means there is hope for the friendship - she would’ve cut you off completely and not given you chance to reply if the friendship is over.

Having said that I have a few people in my life who put all of the onus of contact onto me - they never reach out, then when I reach out myself they get passive aggressive about the lack of contact. It can be infuriating when people pass the buck onto just you. She could easily have contacted you too, so don’t beat yourself up too much.

I often put it off and off roll.ktakes me anxious to think of contacting ppl .
I sometimes just don't have the mental energy for conversation.

I would say be careful if you're going to write a letter. You might make things worse. My Dsis is a complex character and we don't get on; she has pissed me off on many occasions and a few years ago really upset me with how she behaved - long story and not really relevant here.

Anyway, she sent me a letter afterwards which I did not welcome at all. Half of the letter was her absolving her guilt about being a dick and the other half was what she wanted from our relationship. It was like she put it all out and then handed it to me to say, now it's up to you. Yet she never DID anything, just said what she wanted. She has, in the years since then, done nothing to achieve what she said she wanted.

Be careful you don't do the same. I would say if you genuinely want to have a relationship with your friend moving forwards then you need to 'do' something and not just 'say' something. Actions speak louder than words.

Even "beating yourself up" is a bit selfish. Its all about you. Your guilt. Your lack of time.

This is like shoulder shrug of ah well i was dick, best feel sorry for myself.

Thats not cool. If this friendship matters... do something

Without adding too many identifiable details, I could have written your OP. My dear friend lost someone v important to them quite tragically. In the aftermath I had a newborn, family bereavements of my own and extreme stress at work. We live far apart. I was lost in my own sea of problems and only realised how bad a friend I had been when I came out the other end. We are no longer close and I regret it but I am trying not to beat myself up too much about it and I am trying to rekindle our friendship. I hope it's not too late.

You can't change the past but you can focus on the future.

I think you need to DO something

Your post is a bit of a pity parade.

Your friend has said you haven't been there enough for her, and you agree. (Although Id perhaps say shes as responsibile for calling you as you are for calling her, but im not planning to tell you to reapportion the blame) So what are you going to do about it?

Because if the answer is feel shit and let it go of course youll lose her. Shes reached out and said this because shes still emotionally involved in the friendship so reach out and see how you fix it? Or dont? But dont do nothing and feel sorry for you. Love requires action.

“Dear friend, I’m genuinely sorry from the bottom of my heart that I didn’t act like the friend you needed during a really upsetting and difficult time in your life. I know it must have been so painful for you to lose your lovely Mum and I’m sorry that I didn’t support you better. I love you and value you so dearly as a friend and I want to make this up to you……..”

*and then add an offer of a proactive thing you could do that you think your friend would appreciate. Could you offer to go up and visit the next weekend you are both free? Would she like it if you invited her to come stay with you for a weekend - where you plan lots of lovely things to do together and take care of her? Would your finances stretch to offering to take her away for a weekend away together?

If you're genuinely sorry you've been a crap friend then send a text right now and say sorry and that you miss them and know you let them down. Otherwise it's just words and being a martyr.

My best friend from the age of 11 was emotionally unavailable to me when my mum died a few years back. Some months later I told her how I had felt, she was more defensive than apologetic so I left the friendship. If someone is not there for you at the time you need them most, it is not a true friendship.

I couldn't imagine accusing a friend who had lived 5+ hours away for quite a while of letting me down for not phoning back every time they said they would. Life moves on, people have busy lives and tend to concentrate more on new people that are near them. This is completely normal life and I think this says more about your friend (and her possible MH struggles that she is now taking out on you) than you OP.

I could understand her saying she missed you and she'd love to keep in closer contact - but to accuse you of this that and the other? Not really on.

It sounds like you want to salvage the friendship and have apologised and explained, I'd send a little gift or card perhaps too. But you don't need to be tying yourself up in knots over this. It sounds like she has a lot of expectations of your friendship, is quite needy and expects a lot of your time (3hour phone calls). If you don't want to get back into that then you don't have to.

Friendships often drift when one person moves far away.

@OriginalUsername2 not everyone has people close to home. Friends should be good friends in whatever way they can regardless of their location.

But as far as I understand the OP, she did contact her after her mother died? She mentions speaking to her on the phone at least a couple of times afterwards and exchanging voice notes, as well as a text on the mother's anniversary. What she seems to feel bad about is not being in touch more.

I think you just have to offer an unreserved apology.

Just " I know I let you down. I am so sorry"