AIBU to think DD is sooo unbelievably lazy and wants constant entertainment

Tbh lights off nowadays probably has less of an impact nowadays than when we were growing up since they're mostly energy efficient LEDs now. If you left an LED ceiling light on for a whole year it would equate to the carbon emissions of including meat in your diet for a week (I'm not a veggie just putting things in context).

In short, I think you can let a few things slide in terms of norms and expectations. But remind her that turning off the light is a good thing to do, time requests for help for when she isn't engrossed in an activity, and stop overthinking what her dad provides compared to what you can offer

She sounds completely normal 🤷‍♀️

I think you need to adjust your expectations a bit tbh.

My dd is 19yo and I still remind her to turn lights on/off and take plates/bowls out to the kitchen 🤦‍♀️ she is helpful but I tend to have to spell it out to her.

A 10 yo having a phone especially unlimited access to a phone is madness imo.

you just need to continue to parent in the way that you want to, with consequences for her if she doesn't behave.

DD wouldn't pick her stuff up so I put it all in a bin bag. She went mental, but it made her realise that I was serious. I went as far as putting it into the bin and she took it out again.

Take her phone away until she has tidied up, turned off the lights etc etc.

DD was also told that as a single parent, I didn't have the money for expensive days out all the time.

See if you can engage her in board games, let her choose which ones, and have a regular board game session. DD used to love that as an only child.

I’ve struggled with my 10 year old this break too. She’s lovely but can be incredibly irritating and has very high expectations for every day when sometimes I just need to sit down 😂

Have you got house rules? I had house rules that applied to everyone who was in the house such as tidy away your rubbish, stacking dishwasher after eating etc. So these were up in the kitchen so the DC could see them and then I also wrote up on post its the chores they had to do that week. What worked well was allowing them to set their own deadline so rather than saying unstack the dishwasher now, I'd say unstack the dw today. If they hadn't unpacked by dinner then I'd call them down to the table and sit there not serving the dinner as there were no plates because they weren't unstacked!

At 10, she's old enough, imo, to be told that you simply don't have the funds to afford going out all the time, and that's also why you need her to try to remember to turn off the lights, etc, to save electricity and therefore money.

You can come up with ideas for things to do together that don't cost much, but also it's good for kids to learn that in real life people don't usually have exciting outings lined up for every spare moment of your week.

She sounds like a typical 10-year-old (lazy and tending to be 'bored'), but that doesn't mean you should give up on trying to help her improve her attitude where it's lacking.

i know this doesn't help you teach her to turn lights off (well, it might), but what about smart bulbs? You could turn the lights off yourself from your phone or she could do it from hers? The novelty might help (and you can turn the lights off to help mitigate the bills).

And put loads of bins around the place. Loads. Literally a bin in every corner. She still won't throw anything away (I'm a veteran of five teens), but it does make it slightly more likely if she doesn't have to walk a step ("But I'm tiiiiiirrrrred! It's soooooo unfair!") to put something in the bin.

my neighbours kids kept leaving their clothes and shoes lying about.

theirmum was sick of it and gave them their last warning. if you don’t put your things away they will be chucked out in the garden. they didnt bother. guess where all their shoes and clothes were when they came home 🤣

they had to bring them all in again but it was their own fault.

This is going to be your life until she moves out. We have the same with my step children. Constantly telling them to pick up after themselves, turn lights off, wash hands, etc…

They are complete slobs - stuff under the bed, dishes in their room.

This is all normal pre-teen and teenage behaviour.

There are consequences; loss of phone, no going out. You will have to set boundaries and maintain them.

There are some really positive aspects to your post that I think it’s hard to over look when you are living your day to day life.
Her dad takes her out a lot? Brilliant, less pressure on you and your child has the opportunity to do these things.
Asking what we are doing next? Great she’s actually actively engaging with you- she isn’t just sat in her room.
sounds like you have a real opportunity to set the boundaries and also model the behaviour you expect from her- it’s a hard age and i found the 11-13 years harder- I’m not sure my teen like me simply saw the trail of work she was leaving for me!

Sympathies OP because I have a ten year old stepdaughter who is also very messy and starting to get huffy!

When she strops about being bored, I direct her to the bookshelf or to her homework.

Put a shared calendar on her phone and discuss activities together. Loads of stuff is free or cheap: museums, hiking, sleepovers, pamper nights, ParkRun, Guides, swimming at the leisure centre, volunteering.

Yep all sounds familiar. I am forever making ds1 go back to turn lights off. I don't know how he manages to turn on every single light in the house, but there we are. I also remember my mum constantly telling me, so twas ever thus. Perhaps you can have a conversation every Friday of this is what we are doing over the weekend, so she isn't constantly asking. That can include staying in and entertaining herself.

The untidiness etc I think is fairly normal for her age. Mine is 11 and is only now getting needing slightly fewer reminders to tidy up after herself. Just keep on with clear and consistent boundaries and restating your expectations regularly.
As for the constant need to be entertained, the most important this is to put aside any guilt or feelings you might have about not filling every moment of her life with activities. Once you can do that, you can be confident in just leaving her to entertain herself for periods of time without feeling guilty. In fact, it’s essential that you allow her to be bored sometimes. She will learn to fill her time herself and that will encourage creativity. If she needs it, give her some ideas of things she can do, I’m sure there’s plenty. But don’t feel like you always have to make suggestions. If she says to you that she is always doing stuff with dad, all you have to say is ‘that’s his choice and I’m pleased you have fun, but sometimes we need to make our own fun and I’m sure you can think of something’.

"Im a single parent"....no you're not. Her dad is in her life, you co-parent

I’d say she sounds like a typical 10yo.

Even my teen will turn lights on and not draw curtains.

I think you need to relax a bit.

If she’s bored perhaps start going for long walks and then when you get home tell her to entertain herself.

My DD was the same at 10. I don't think it's unusual, just make sure you prompt her to do it every time rather than do it for her and she will eventually get into the routine of doing it herself. Mine always wanted to be doing something too. So did I at that age, the difference was when I was that age I just needed to go outside and I'd soon find friends to do something with but kids don't seem to play out anywhere near as much these days.

Take the phone away and don’t give it back until she’s of an age appropriate to have a phone (like 14). Let her be a 10 year old. It’s fine for kids to be bored. They get used to not being bored when they have iPads and phones constantly available so that they never have to be alone with their thoughts/read a book/play games. You might find that she becomes a bit more engaged in domestic life with a bit more “boredom”.

Normal 10 year old behaviour imo. I remember constantly getting told to put my glass in the sink, move wrappers, and then the lights off! Those things just don't register as important to you at that age, and it's perfectly normal to huff a bit when your parents ask you to do something a bit boring.

Unless she's naturally very tidy, she will grow out of it when she moves out and the cleaning fairy vanishes and she has to pay her own electricity bill.

For now, just be persistent. If she leaves a light on, make sure she goes up and turns it back off. Ignore the huffing and eye rolls.

Entirely your fault. Stop asking her and start telling her
Actually it's probably too late but at 10 still worthwhile trying

You can do stuff that isn’t expensive. Quality time stuff. Id personally limit the phone.

Tell her - next time she comes downstairs leaving it looking like Blackpool illuminations upstairs -you interrupt her phone call.

Politely ask her to end call now as you need to speak to you. Then ask for the phone.

Once in your hand you direct her to go upstairs, turn all the lights out etc and then she an resume her phone call

yes she will roll her eyes or moan or stomp etc - but done a few times she will ‘remember’ what to do when her phone rings if she doesn’t want to be interrupted.

don’t passively accept this behaviour. If she leaves crisp packets. She is directed to go and get them and put them in the bin.

you have to teach her - she will hate you for it - as that’s what preteens / teens do - but how on earth will she ever learn unless you challenge her snd get her to correct her mistakes until they become automatic habits?

set up a family calendar so she can see if you’re visiting auntie Mary etc or doing chores etc then if she asks what are we doing now - redirect her to the calendar and / or remind her if it’ free time. Can even have a list of ‘free time activities’ for at home in the fridge such as reading, listening to music, drawing, craft, music practice, playing in the garden, etc so if she’s bored there are ideas of what she can do. Learning to self entertain is such a useful skill - help her to cultivate it.

My AuDHD daughter does exactly this all day everyday. I have tried everything to help her stop doing this but she will always default to leaving a trail of mess in her wake.

I know she struggles with demands and executive dysfunction but I have made allowances for this and given her tools to succeed but we’ve made little progress. She’ll sometimes bring her plates into the kitchen but that’s it.

I do think it’s pretty normal to be like this as a kid. But you’d hope things would improve as they get older. I’m still waiting 🥴

How about getting a calendar and marking on it what you are doing? Even chilling at home, or what's for tea? Maybe she just needs to see how things will pan out.