MIL not been in touch since cheating scandal

I felt the same after my exH left. Not a word of support (or even a word) from his family when I was reeling from his sudden announcement and his subsequent leaving.

I think, with hindsight, that they probably didn’t know what to do. I’m on good terms with them all now, 6 years on.

I imagine it’s a difficult position to be in because ultimately, parents will always love their children and most definitely won’t not provide them with a home.

My grandparents did the same to my mum -their DIL for over 30 years. They had a great relationship previously we saw them every week. Their silence hurt her deeply.
My parents actually ended up staying together in the end, but my mums relationship with PIL was ruined and unfortunately has never recovered. She hasn't seen or spoken to them in over ten years now.

My father left my mother for another woman 2 days after my wedding (I was 21 and on honeymoon). This was late September, my mother invited his mother (who she had never had a good relationship with) to the family home for Christmas lunch. She came, stayed about 2 hours and left. We never saw her again.

I remember I told my mother at the time that inviting her was a mistake, that at the end of the day my father was still her child and she would support him over my mother any day of the week. My mother did look to her to condemn my father and she just wouldn't do it. In fact, I think my grandmother was glad of the excuse to completely cut all contact with my mother for good!

Myself and my two brothers hadn't had much of a relationship beforehand with our grandmother either, to be honest. It was our mother who initiated all contact with her, even before my parents split. I didn't like my grandmother much and had no interest as a young adult to forge any relationship with her.

Ah, I have experienced exactly this.

My marriage of 20 years exploded, when I found out that ExH had cheated with about 10 women, over a period of many years. I tried to get over it, for the sake of the children, but he wouldn't stop. So, I left him.

My MIL's stance was that ExH had been having "a bit of fun" but that I was the villain of the piece, as it was me who was "breaking up a family". After 20 years, she never spoke to me again. Neither did FIL or my 3 SIL's, or any of their husband's. Even though everyone knew the truth.

As if that wasn't bad enough, none of my friends even picked up the phone to check on me.

You do really find out how awful a lot of people are, when the shit hits the fan.

Look after yourself Op. In a few years you won't care about this quite so much. I have a much better husband now, and different in-laws. Everyone moves on.

I'm positive that if one of my children's marriages failed that I would contact their spouse. That said, my son just broke up with his GF of 4 years and I haven't contacted her. But I only met her twice, so we didn't have a relationship as such.

I had similar though no cheating but dh had an addiction that broke down our relationship. I always believed I got on very well with my mil, we had a good relationship, so I called her, poured out my heart, she took dh in, then deleted me from her Facebook and has never spoken to me again, even though dh and I have worked through it and got back together after a year apart.
I guess you never truly no people, and as your her child she has no loyalty to you.
i understand how much it hurts though, finding out someone who you thought would have your back just disappears when you need the support the most. I’m sorry you are going through this.

In my case OP, it was because my MIL blamed me for his affair. Apparently it’s my fault. I haven’t heard a thing from his family since I found out. They haven’t asked how I am, it was so obvious I had lost a hell of a lot of weight, if I was eating, nothing. Total silence.

My ex mil was like this when I split with her son. Then I got back with him for a few years and she was very apologetic and told me she just didn’t know what to say and felt she let me down. I then permanently split up with her son and she has remained a proper friend /mother figure to me. She has a good heart and just didn’t know what to do. It sounds like your MIl has a good heart too and is clearly appropriately distressed about her son’s behaviour. Understand your upset but I think she cares about you and just doesn’t know what to do. I’d forgive this if you can, just let things be for a while and then maybe reach out and say you miss her.

My ex-MIL was exactly the same in almost identical circumstances, except I was diagnosed with cancer 3 months after the cheating came to light. Still not a peep.

You should be preparing to lose her support completely, especially if this leads to a divorce. They will always "side with" their child and there isn't really much she can say to you. They're disappointed in him but will always be on his side because he is their child. This is the norm with breakups as their relationship with you is through him. You'll probably get similar from shared friends you met through him.

It's an side topic that I felt deserved comment. If you feel it breaks the rules, report.

I have no clue what sea lioning is, but seeing that someone is deaf and thus not expected to communicate seems very ableist to me. Just because it's a man who has a disability doesn't mean he should be sidelined and ignored. He can be a contributing family member. That's not misogyny. That's seeing a disability that has isolated someone to an extreme.

And he hasn't learned to sign. Like, deaf organizations are very proactive on helping people that have gone deaf and their family members, at least here. I'm shocked he's had no assistance.

I already commented on OP's situation with her MIL.

I was in your MIL situation when my son left his wife. I remember feeling mortified, embarrassed and ashamed, but I couldn't bring myself to contact her. I didn't want to be put in a position where I would have to say anything negative about my son, even though he was at fault. So for a couple of years we didn't have contact. Eventually though we went to the same party and got chatting, and have been touch ever since. She and her new partner are even helping me move house next week!

You're finding out how it works. No matter how beastly her son has been, she will side with and protect him. No matter how much effort you put into your relationship with them as well as the kids' relationship with them...and even HIS relationship with them, she will side with and protect him.

At the end of the day, he's her son. As his parent, i am guessing she'd want to make sure he is okay, regardless of whether i thought that was right or wrong. I'm sure you wont disown your children even if they've wronged. She's been put in an awkward position, so I dont see anything wrong with her being silent. I dont think its fair for you to have put her in a position where she has to take sides. You and your husband, as adults, chose to marry eachother, so not sure why you'd want to call his mum and complain about him "to get him into trouble". Trying to get someone into "trouble" by complaining to that persons mummy, is very childish. Unless this is a marriage arranged by the parents, it's not the parents problem. How childish of you to think it is. His mum is not responsible for his actions. Why are you expecting emotional support from your soon to be ex mother-in-law? Have you not got your own family and friends to fall back on? Divorce and move on.

My sister behaved pretty badly towards her exH, who we all really liked. But when push came to shove we rallied around her as she’s our family.
You cannot expect a mother to want to do anything other than support her son, even in his shame. Plus he’s getting it in the neck from you so he doesn’t need everyone else coming down on him like a tonne of bricks for ever after (and make no mistake I think what he did to you was despicable)

Blood is thicker than water.
That’s what a relative was told by her MIL at the time when her DH was caught cheating.

Oh for fuck’s sake she married into a dysfunctional family and fit in with them as they preferred. Who is she to drag her husbands father out if his lair to make him socialize with her? This is the most captious and aggressive derailing of a thread I have ever seen. Its sea lioning and misogynistic at the same time.

He’s very shy/introverted (dare I say rude). He can’t speak on the phone due to deafness, but makes little to no effort to hold a conversation with anyone either.

You're not covering yourself with glory here, @Needanewoneforthis . I appreciate that it’s not really your problem, but I don’t think you understand how difficult and isolating life can be for deaf people.

When there's a deaf family member, it's the norm to learn to sign. It's on everyone to learn to communicate, as the person can't hear.

You don't communicate with FIL because he's deaf? You haven't learned to sign? He can't text? I hope your kids learned to sign

oh great! Another thing the woman is responsible for!

They don’t care. The apple, presumably, didn’t fall far from the tree. People can rationalize anything snd frequently do. She will pick up the phone to be nice or be mean to you eventually, whichever suits her best.

She was supportive during your phone call but she's not your support system and you are unreasonable to expect that.

You said you called and told her everything your husband did in part to "get him into trouble".

How do you think she feels knowing her son is cheating and using sex workers in detail? You threw a bomb into her relationship with her son in part for revenge and now she's uncomfortable with you. She also doesn't know what the hell is going on because you now have him back in the home. Your marriage seems volatile and she's keeping out of it.

As for facilitating seeing your kids, well, if you stay split, that's going to be up to your husband.

You don't communicate with FIL because he's deaf? You haven't learned to sign? He can't text? I hope your kids learned to sign.

She is probably really upset and embarrassed, and now has an unwanted house guest that is living with her.
Her son is a disgrace. She is as upset and shocked as you are.

I wonder if some of her reluctance to keep in touch with you is because you shattered her illusion of the person she thought her son was. She’s probably grieving for the son/happy families she thought she had, awkward because you know that her sons a total prick and in some way wishes you had swept it all under the carpet so it didn’t have to be faced….
She should know exactly the sort of person her son is so you were right to tell her and in an ideal world she would still behave as she has always done but I can see why she’s distanced herself. It’s not fair or right though especially for your children, enjoy your space back to yourself once he’s gone . You’re a better person the me, I couldn’t have had him stay for Christmas.

I think MIL saw my kids once in the year we were separated for about 2 hours. I did not facilitate as, quite frankly, i had too much else to be dealing with. I still leave it as his responsibility and as a result, they barely see her. It is sad as we used to all be quite close to her.