MIL not been in touch since cheating scandal

Your DH was cheating with sex workers and you're spending Christmas with him, but it's your MIL's behaviour you are complaining about! How about FIL, or is it only her responsibility to keep in touch? Your DH is to blame for all this shit. No one else.

I think you need to accept that this is how it is.

When you've split for good and hasn't seen her grandkids in months, she'll remember you and blame you for lack of contact and continue to expect you to facilitate things.

You are not her daughter.

She doesn't love or care for you.

You are a vessel for her grandkids, always have been. Her loyalty is to her son first, clearly.

I don't think she's right and if she were more intelligent, she would reach out for the sake of the grandkids but she takes you for granted and she's too dumb and embarrassed to look to the future. She's probably hoping you'll take him back anyway.

Leave her out of it. It's not her place to get involved in your marriage. I'm assuming he's not involving your family.

I don’t think it’s about taking sides. It’s about still seeing if someone is ok when the bottom has dropped out of their world, and if they don’t do that, then that says more about them than you.

I’ve cut my MIL out my life since she blamed me for my DH’s affair, and now she apparently misses our relationship. Well, too bad.

She’s his mum. You’d be best unloading on other people.

@Needanewoneforthis my friend was in a similar scenario, her partner cheated with escorts plus various affairs and domestic violence plus other crimes. His mother still welcomes him in. I dont think you can expect a mother to take sides. You're very lucky if she does take your side.

I think she must be embarrassed and also waiting to see what comes over the next few weeks.
People handle things in different and surprising ways. When we've had family members and my partners experience too, when got cancer people who normally speak to would cross the road to avoid them. I get it OP, it hurts.

No matter what's happened with the parents, she still has a GC.

Just wait it out would be my advice. If she doesn't have much contact or doesn't want to, just keep your door open for when she figures things out and I hope she doesn't leave it too long and keep upsetting you.

Why would you say Happy Christmas or Happy New Year to someone who has just had their world turned upside down? That would be very crass. It's still early days, and you've had him back in the family home for a week or so. Give her some time. She's probably extremely embarrassed or angry or both. She too needs to come to terms with the situation and the consequences.

I think actually not asking how someone is just comes across as not caring. To just say ‘I’m not getting involved’ is cowardly. You don’t have to be involved to ask how someone is, if they’re ok, do you need help.

I had days I could barely drag myself out of bed I was so depressed and non functioning. The most I managed was to feed my DC. It would have been lovely if my in laws gave a shit, but they didn’t. My family don’t live near me so they were all I had. To find that people you’ve had a relationship with for years don’t care is really hurtful.

Most people are cowards and don't step up when wrong things happen. That's pretty evident if we look around. (Took me a long time to accept it though).

If it helps, when me and my husband split up just before christmas years ago, he stayed until after christmas and it was the hardest thing i’ve done, when the usual phone call took place, the same happened, they too were disgusted with him, but is their son, we lived separately for a while, his mum kept in touch sporadically, during which i gave her a few home truths (we lived miles apart and she thought it was my fault we didn’t visit as much as we should have) long story short we got back together, and his mum and i have a brilliant relationship, better than before because of what i’d said, and we were closer, she opened up a lot, during one of these heart to hearts, i told her how hurt i was that she never rang to just talk to me and ask how i was when we separated, and in particular spoke to me that xmas, she confided that she couldn’t as she knew i was devastated, and her son had caused it, i said but to me it felt like you had already excluded me from your family, she was gutted i’d felt like that, and i then too understood her reason. Maybe it’s similar. Maybe if u get the chance, tell her how you feel. Good luck for your future, I hope you find happiness and peace soon xx

Sadly whatever they feel about the behaviour it is still their son and there is an element of feeling disloyal if they are talking to you and seeing the kids whilst not speaking to him. ALso makes it easier for them to live with etc.

If you want to fix it phone em up and ask them over to see the kids. If you don't then don't do anything they walk their own path

I wouldn't expect them to necessarily continue a relationship directly with you after a formal split-up - as PPs have noted, whatever happened in the past your ex should be facilitating the relationship between his children and his parents from now on. But I also would have been confused about his essentially moving back in (not having a go, but it seems risky to give the children false hope of a reconciliation) so re the Christmas gifts - which seems the only place where MIL (AND PIL) really should have contacted you even if just a note/email to acknowledge receipt - are you sure they haven't conveyed their thanks through their son, expecting he'd pass it on to you? Or through the children, if they're old enough?

While nowhere near the same, there was a thread on here from a lady going through bereavement saying how insensitive she found it to get happy Christmas / happy new year texts as obviously it’s not an happy time for her so could it be something similar?

Maybe MIL didn’t wish you a happy Christmas as obviously it wasn’t with your cheating ExH in the house and it’s probably not going to be a happy new year either with divorce looming etc?

As for just checking in on you in general, I’m assuming that will come after your ExH goes back to his parents, I agree with others that she’s probably keeping quiet right now and backed right off thinking maybe you’re working it out as he’s been back quite some time which is strange.

I’m another one who thinks that she’s probably keeping silent because she thinks you are possibly working things out and getting back together. He has now been back home for ten days so it’s not unreasonable thinking.

I don’t know how old your kids are but sometimes ripping off the bandaid is the best way and I personally think by Boxing Day night he should have been gone.

Get rid of him today!

If I was the MIL I would be very confused over your playing happy families over Christmas. For all she knows you’re taking him back. For all you know he’s told her he’s moved back in and will smooth things over/win you back. I wouldn’t want to get involved st all.

My MIL's stance was that ExH had been having "a bit of fun" but that I was the villain of the piece, as it was me who was "breaking up a family".

So not "exactly this". Because OP's MIL didn't take that stance at all. She was horrified, and has given him the cold shoulder while he's been living with her.

I don’t see the need to escalate this but, to me, it is extremely inappropriate to load this woman down with duties to her STBXH’s family that they don’t assume. The word “abelist” is tossed around here like some kind of wild card in poker. Being deaf doesn’t make this man a child or require family and society to scaffold him. He is a fully adult male whose preferences and right to his own associations wasn’t lost with his hearing. OP has plenty of her own work to do without taking on her ex husband’s and ex MIL’s duties to their husband/father. Why are you sideswiping OP? Just because she was his DIL? How was it her responsibility to force him into communicating with her?

@Needanewoneforthis I am so sorry for what you're going through.

There is a current trending thread where the OP asked her son to dogsit while she was away. She came back early and found her son cheating on his GF. When she said wanted to tell the GF, the majority of many posters telling her to mind her business is staggering! It’s quite a telling thread, a lot of mothers don’t actually care that their little princes are scum and are happy to facilitate and enable their cheating ways.

I'm sorry but i think yabu. I've gone through very very similar, and as much as i wanted to hang him out to dry for everyone to name and shame, i decided scandal and drama was not for me. So, i think you made an error in calling his mum. She didnt deserve to be put in the middle of your marriage breakdown like that.

I divorced my exh, but in the moment i didn't give into the want of telling everyone what a horrible disgusting person he is. I think not doing that has saved me my own sanity, saved my kids from a lot of heartache and kept family relationships stable. It sucks sometimes to be the bigger person especially when you see him doing whatever he wants seemingly unaffected, but I believe karma will get him sooner or later. My focus is on me and the dc. And yes, he was also here for Christmas. Didn't love it, but doable.

I've not read any further, because I 100% agree with this poster.

You're being entirely unreasonable. The best thing for a MIL to do, especially where you've temporarily taken her son back, is to stand back and stay out of it.

At this point she had no idea how this is going to end. Anything that she says at this point has the potential to land her in trouble with one or the other of you.

When your DH's behaviour was exposed, your MIL responded fantastically. While he was living with her she was making it clear to him that she was extremely unhappy with him. What more do you want from his own mother?

Sort out what you're doing in the long term before you expect anything of her. It's a mess right now and she's very wise to keep out of it.

I too expect it's a case of not knowing what to say!
If you miss her, tell her and invite her round once he's gone. If you don't, well then there's no need to worry about it.

She might not have felt "Merry Christmas" or "Happy New Year" were appropriate sentiments, given your situation.
I agree she could of said "hope you're OK- I think it's best I don't get involved in the situation" or similiar.