Did you tells your children the reason why you split from their other parent?

Mine are now 19 and 20 and they know a lot, through witnessing the behaviour of their dad and what I have told them. We split when they were 1 and 2. My eldest went on holiday with his dad, his dad’s partner and their 5 year old son, when he was 13 and witnessed his dad drunk and calling his partner a whore. This was also in front of their 5 year old son. But there’s something really horrible that their dad did to me when I was pregnant with my eldest. He apologised a few years ago for it, but it’s DS he should apologise to. Neither of them know about that and actually the only other person who knows is a close friend.

I think so long as you do it in a sensitive and age appropriate way, it’s the most sensible course of action. Surely if he didn’t want his kids to know then he shouldn’t have behaved in that way and ruined his family.

I always knew my mum cheated on my dad, probably because the new man moved in so quickly! I was only 6, but dont remember ever being told the details in a big conversation, I just always knew. Over the years I asked my mum questions and she always replied honestly.

Personally, I always go with honesty - they don't need grim details. But they do need to know that their dad broke your trust and your heart and did not behave as one should in a committed relationship with children. Frame it right, and there's no comeback, e.g. we might have been having some problems, but rather than sitting down and discussing things to see if we could work things out, he chose not to, etc.

No they heard me being attacked regularly. However, the courts could not comprehend that a 3&6yo have ears and a memory, and I was repeatedly given grief and threatened with losing custody, for alienating them against their father.

Kids are naturally curious but it’s your role as a parent to protect them. Just keep it vague when it comes to your relationship.

I haven’t. I told them some things are private and between adults. They have an excellent relationship with EXH and I don’t want to jeopardize that. (But I do have moments when I have to count to ten internally)

No I wouldn’t give specifics. Mine know because the eldest was there and they knew but they don’t know all of it. You could say

In a relationship it is important to have boundaries on what is and isn’t acceptable to you. Relationships include finances, emotional support, mental support, a physical relationship, and your partner needs to be 100% trustworthy and you agree those boundaries with yourself. Eg I abhor smoking and if my husband took up smoking and refused to quit I would end the relationship. (Put your own example in and make it clear it is a made up example) and When children are involved I would ensure my contraception etc was there so I didn’t have children with someone I wasn’t committed to. Once you have children it becomes even more important that those boundaries are reinforced. I’m not going to go into specifics with your father but that trust and those boundaries were broken.
I had to end the relationship as those boundaries had been ignored etc and instead I had to parent as an independent parent.

However, You have your own DNA and you are your own person and you will create your own boundaries and lines and never be afraid to say ‘No this isn’t working for me’.

I remember when I split from my ex a friend (whose parents had divorced acrimoniously) said that the worst thing about having divorced parents was the sense of being constantly torn between the two halves of yourself. I really took that to heart. I wanted to avoid that at all costs.

I kicked my exH out when DD was four: he was drinking heavily and financially abusing me and we weren’t making each other happy at all. I was lucky in a way in that the split was a wake up call for him to sort himself out, so we actually have a decent relationship now and coparent fairly well, although he provides almost no financial support. So it’s never been necessary to present a “justification” for leaving to her.

I still think that even if he had continued to be really horrible I wouldn’t have detailed his crimes to her. What’s the point? If you have left you have got out and are parenting well alone. What value is there in reviving a hostile and negative narrative about someone who doesn’t really matter in terms of the day to day business of raising a child?

I think honesty is best, as tactfully as possible. Especially now that they are older.

My mother has always protected my father and his secrets. Recently my sister and I came to learn what he is really like. For years we thought we were the problem!

If your teens ask again, please tell them. Protect your teens and not your ex husband.

I knew about my dad's affairs before my mum did. It probably changed my attitude to relationships. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing though as it helped me make better decisions.

Yeap, my dad was cheating on my mum. My mum was always encouraging us to have a good relationship with my dad but she made it clear to him that he has to explained to us what happened. My dad ended up marrying this lady and had a kid. So once she had the kid, my dad flew from overseas to meet us and tell us in person about her and the baby. I was about 9-10 years old then. I think it’s important to know.

I haven't told my DC, not really. Its horrendous and I just don't know how to even start and the effect it may have. I do worry that one day they will think I kept the truth from them though. The older DC did ask but then got distracted and we ended up leaving it. I think I will just have to wait for the right time to come up.

For us it was me that fuxked the relationship, and I never hid from it. We explained things in an age appropriate way, so as they were only young when it happened, we initially said something along the lines of 'we love each other as just friends and nothing more', and as they've gotten older I've continued to answer their questions and give them more details. Our shared children are 13 and 10 now, the 10yo is a very ...aware... child, so pretty sure last time it was brought up I told him the full story. I never wanted it to be some big dirty secret, I prefer having open communication with them, so just had to be aware of how much was appropriate to tell them at each stage.

They don’t need to know about the porn and sex websites, but it’s ok to tell them that he cheated, and because that’s unacceptable the relationship ended. You can be honest without being negative or criticising him. Use age appropriate language and keep it simple.

I'd just be honest at that age, which you can still do without slagging him off. Say he liked porn all the time and you didn't and although some couples like to enjoy that together you do not like it and that led to serious compatibility issues.

Im guessing these questions are much harder to manage when the child is regularly seeing the parent and has a good relationship with them.
As it is, your daughter already knows her father wasn’t great, so I doubt she’ll be that shocked. I’d refer to the cheating but probably not the rest of it. It is possible to blame the behaviour rather than being overly critical of him as a person, although at her age she’ll know it makes him not great! Something like ‘your dad made poor choices and had relationships with other women while we were together’ should do it; it’s factual but keeps emotion out of it.

Keep it vague. Say something along the lines of being constantly disappointed and hurt and you had enough. They probably see his character anyway and kind of know this themselves unfortunately 😥

as a child who found out every detail of my parents break up, no I wouldn’t share with my children. I don’t have any relationship with my dad now, but still would have preferred I’d not had details of an adult relationship shared with me as a child.

My DC were 18, almost 16 and 8 so yes I told them their Dad had cheated on me and been caught out with OW and I was not having him back under any circumstances.

I've been wondering about this. My ex didn't cheat (so far as I know). She repeatedly lied about debts and started to get mildly physically and seriously verbally abusive. I found out later, during the process of the split, that she'd not only been lying about debts, she'd been hiding money and effectively stealing quite large sums from me. She got together with her new partner suspiciously quickly (less than 3 months IIRC), and I do wonder, but who knows?

DD is 8 (was 6 when was split), and I have generally avoided her questions about it all. But it is difficult because she has a firm belief from my ex that my ex is terribly, terribly poor and badly-treated. I do occasionally counter that in quite a neutral way (eg. 'DD, I don't think Mummy can be as badly off as all that; she earns quite a bit more than I do.'). We go through stages when DD will take money from my wallet, or try to get me to buy things in the shops that she can take to her other mum's house, and I have had to crack down on that.

In a way, it would be easier if I could just say what happened, and I think if DD were an adult, I possibly would consider telling her.

I agree with what others say about modelling behaviour and about teaching children/young adults about red flags. I don't want DD to grow up thinking that what her mother does is normal. When we were in a relationship, my ex would casually 'joke' to my parents with things like 'I'd love a grand if you had it to spare' and I've just noticed my DD has started saying things like 'we could have a new car if we asked granny and granddad' or 'you know who has money for [treat item]? Granny would.' It really bothers me.

I think this stuff is why I am more open to talking to children about their other parent's behaviour. The conventional line that you shouldn't discuss it seems to me to miss the point that, quite often, you split up for a reason.

Firmly in the ‘sadly he did cheat on me so I couldn’t stay in the relationship.’ camp.

Well, my DD has two half sisters on her dad’s side, the first of whom is two years younger than her so it’s not rocket science to work out. But I went with ‘your dad met someone else when you were a baby and that is why on his side there is [now wife and their DDs]’. So I said it more in a way of explaining her family. It doesn’t really matter what I thought, it is about how she relates to them. So in your situation, I would think about what it serves for your DD to know. I think being honest that he cheated, yes, but also being really clear that this was nothing to do with your DC (in so far as not their fault, I mean) and just something which happens sometimes in relationships.
Your DD‘s relationship and thoughts about her dad are hers to work out, and I think that is also important to be clear about.

Edited to add: it is also not your fault either if your ex is not close with DC, their dad is responsible for his own relationship with DC.

In my experience there is no guilt! My exdh actually blamed me for him having an affair as I wasn't giving him attention. The affair started about 2 weeks after I'd given birth by c section to my 3rd dc and I was also having to do everything for the older 2dc. I'm not sure if I've told dc but they are all aware of how awful a df he's been and the 2 eldest are basically nc. Ds has also blocked his df on messenger/phone etc.

My situation was different to yours in that there was no cheating, but I’ve been honest with my DC’s and told them that me and their dad just didn’t love each other in that way anymore and decided we were better off just being friends.

@londsa

the guilt in his to bear for doing what he did