Name change so as not to out myself.
I can't go into too much detail as it will be outing but I can say that DHs mother did identity fraud and siphoned between 70k and 150k over approx 8 years from his bank account, and in such a way that he did not notice but felt very poor, iyswim as she was crafty and he was daft and trusting. She also got him to take out a loan larger than he needed and kept the rest. Anyway I can't go into more precise detail as I think sil is on here but that is the jist and it is absolutely true and I still find it shocking to say or write down and I have noone to talk about it with irl as it his business his family and I don't feel it's mine to discuss with friends.
It really harmed him financially and has deeply traumatised him as like anyone would he trusted his mother completely. His dad must have been in on it too as theyclearly lived way beyond the means of their salaries over that time. His brother minimised it and said he'd always been given a lot and he shouldn't mind helping out. There was no real apology or recognition of the harm done to him. Mil blamed it on drinking too much and said she would stop. She never has. She did take out a loan to repay the loan she got him to take but that was a fraction of what was taken overall.
I can't speak to his family as a result since this came to light. I tried for a while as it was just swept under the carpet but after a while I just couldn't. At the time of finding out i wanted to press charges but he understandably, couldn't. He has tried low contact and is having to be no contact now as he gets so distressed and triggered for a while after seeing them. He is having therapy which is helpful.
We have a big life event coming up that would usually be a family event with all invited. I just dont think I can bear the pain of watching him put a brave face on and suffer through trying to do right by them. I also don't think I can bear to have them there.
I feel so lost with this as I don't know how to support him to keep some kind of relationship going or to support him go no contact, whichever he wants. Or how to processes something I just don't understand how anyone could do this to their child. He is one of the kindest most loving people you could meet who sees the good in everyone and I feel so angry and protective of him. We earn equally and everything has worked out and we have bought our home etc but it has certainly made practicalities like that harder and been a difficult start for us but that isn't what I'm angriest about. It's that someone could do this to their own child and not pay every penny back and really take accountability.There seems to be no remorse. There was also a history of physical/ emotional abuse and intimidation of him from both parents so I suppose this is an extension of that?
So I wondered if anyone had any wise words on how to move on as I am really struggling particularly when I want to say look let's just completely cut them off there's no getting over this and we may as well be honest to others about why it is they aren't there at the upcoming big deal life event, as he has only told his best friend the truth of why he doesn't see them much. I think most of his friends probably think it's me that has driven the wedge which also makes me sad as this is not true.
Sorry for the ramble and thank you your thoughts in advance and also in case this sounds like hairy hands nonsense, I absolutely promise this is completely true but I really can't go into more detail and cant give any more info.