To ask for advice or thoughts on how to move on from MILs theft/ identity fraud

I think you need to weigh up the potential harms and possible good that would come out of having them at this event.

The event is yours and DHs? (like an anniversary?) then you get to invite people who will celebrate and love you unconditionally.

Both of you get to veto attendees (so a "two yesses" scenario) without recrimination or questioning (or badgering) by the other. That's the suggestion i would put. Because if it just boils down to you not wanting them there, and he insists they are there - it won't be a celebration for you. And in the long run probably not for him but that is why he is having therapy.

Assuming this was not family money, and his personal money? because it is a lot and in theory, half of it is/was yours if it was family money - and i would be furious at being told not to call in the police over it. (but that is me, and you are clearly not like that)

Bottom line: i wouldn't be able to celebrate my own event, or a joint event, with family members who had treated my DH so appallingly. If it is his own event - i would not attend. (but make plans to swoop in if i thought he needed my help)

I think the therapy is the wisest choice your DH is making. As frustrating as it is for you, I think you need to go at his pace. Let him make the decisions and choices. He may not do what you think is wisest, but remember that he’s grown up with dysfunction and it’s not going to be easy for him to adjust.

from personal experience, it’s an awful feeling knowing that your partner thinks you should be ‘doing something’ or behaving in a particular way, or ‘over it by now’. That just added extra pressure when what I needed most was loving support. I’m not suggesting for a second that you are putting your DH under any pressure or influence. All I’m trying to say is that sometimes it may be best to let him work through this with his therapist while supporting him with a loving and strong family unit he knows will always be on his side.

this must be hard for you to witness and experience. Do you have anyone you can chat it through with?

Sadly this type of financial abuse is more common than many people realise. I worked for someone when I had not long left school whose father was dealing with the aftermath of theft from his family business by a trusted niece. He retired earlier than planned and passed the business to his sons who had realised what was happening whereas he refused to believe them until his accountant exposed it. It basically broke him.

I understand that you can’t decide for your DH how he deals with his DPs, but you absolutely do get to say whether they come to this event if it involves you directly eg your anniversary or your child’s birthday.

I think planning something different might be a very good way forward. There is no reason why you have to have a family dinner or party for a milestone anniversary, for example. DH and I went on holiday for our 30th, even though our silver was closed down by Covid lockdown. PIL went away with two friends for their 50 th and 60 th.

Does your DH accept that taking his money is taking your shared marital resources? Or have I misunderstood and it happened before you were together?

What an awful situation. The best thing for your DH is the therapy, it will help him to come to terms with understanding that he can’t have what it sounds like he might still be hoping for - a normal relationship with normal parents. Coming to such a realisation is emotionally heart breaking and will take time.

The only people he’s protecting by not talking about it openly are his parents and siblings. He may also feel a sense of embarrassment.

Have you considered therapy for yourself? You might find it helpful to manage and understand your own emotions towards his family and ensure you’re at your strongest to support him. I have had plenty myself due to tricky family relationships and find it invaluable.

That's awful. Not quite in the same league but my father 'borrowed' a substantial amount of money off a sibling and then later refused to pay it back denying it was a loan and all sorts of shit. His love of money > his children tore the family apart and us kids now no longer in contact/ vlc. I personally haven't spoken to him in 2 years.

Its the betrayal of trust and sense that you literally mean less to them than £xxx.

No advice other than i found counseling very helpful to come to terms.

Duplicate post.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to learn that in such painful times.

Once the love and trust is gone, i think it’s nigh on impossible to get it back.

I hope life is a little kinder to you these days.

From excruciating experience, @ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews .

Oh the wee small hours I spent tossing and turning, looking for that key. The one that was going to unlock the door and let me out of the room that was closing in on me, and let me get my life back.

It was incredibly painful, but ultimately freeing, to realise that there was no key. There was nothing in my hands to fix things. Other people were going to behave as they were going to behave, because it's what they wanted to do. The impact on me was just not part of their calculations.

I couldn't change their behaviour – only my own behaviour in fielding it. Even though "changing my behaviour" meant giving up parts of me that really mattered, like trust and love of people I cared for.

The experience has left me much less vulnerable as a person, but also just less as a person.

‘Look for the magic key how to make it ok’ is an excellent sentence.

So pithy, and clever. I’m going to use that myself!

You can set your own boundaries though. You can refuse to ever see them again. Do not attend this family event.

His parents are criminals and they have committed a serious crime against their own son. Your DH needs urgent therapy and hopefully that will help him enough to make a decision to report their theft to the police. They should be in prison, not attending major family events.

This is too awful to forgive and move on from. I was a similar situation but there was one relationship that did continue when they took responsibility, apologised and made it right financially .
I think very very low contact is the only way here. DH might choose to reconcile in the future but might need to accept that it may be a case of just brushing it under the carpet as people like his mother never really take responsibility for their actions.

Just tell other people a version of the truth. DH’s family are not good people and you are no longer close. I told my children that my DF was not kind and that we are not friends with unkind people . They understood.

This sounds so tragic OP. I am glad your DH has you in his corner.
Honestly there is no moving on from this, only moving through it with help from suitably qualified professionals. And he's doing that.
So for this celebration/event. Can you reframe it so it doesn't have the expectations of "all the family" there? If it's an anniversary, could you go away somewhere fabulous rather than hosting a party? If it's a wedding, could you do something unconventional in where or how you hold it? Or have it abroad? So the absence of parents is less obvious?
I guess the point is that DH is not ready to cut contact (from what you've said) but nor is he ready to face them. And so I just think the best solution would be to do something where basically family are not able to attend in the normal way.

Absolutely shocking.
I don't know how you could ever get over such a blatant family betrayal.
I have no words of advice for you as it's completely outside my realm of experience, but I think that voicing it on here at least gives you a platform to scream to the elements and get others opinions.
I hope one day you find peace.

He was emotionally and physically abused and they have stolen a sihnificant amount of money from him. He needs to report them to the police, that is an extreme level of financial abuse.

Beautifully put.

My dad was the victim of something similar by his brother. When he found out, he invited my uncle over and asked for an explanation / to clarify what he thought had happened. My uncle denied it all, fudged, hemmed and hawed, and eventually left our house without a by your leave - I’ll never forget the slam of the front door. It was all deeply painful for both my dad (favourite sibling, really looked up to his older brother) and my mum (my uncle was really good to her when she entered the family). They never spoke another word, and my uncle went to his grave that way. Nobody outside of the family members who were there knows what went on. Some people blamed my dad, others my uncle. My dad’s attitude was and is that this concerned nobody but the people involved, that nobody was owed an explanation of the state of their relationship or what happened, and that this wasn’t fodder for gossip. He wasn’t interested in other people’s judgements or opinions - I think partly because he didn’t have mental space for it because the hurt and loss of his brother took it all.

Long story, but the point is perhaps your DH could focus on managing the deep hurt his mother has caused him - with your support, and yours is a backseat situation here, not frontline - and just let the unnecessary noise fall away. This is between a man and his parents, nobody else. People will talk, that’s what humans do. Let them. It won’t change anything to try to control that and you can’t manage other people’s reactions anyway. None of the energy spent on any of that secondary stuff would help your husband heal or move forward anyway. It’ll be a waste of time, and the situation is bad/serious/worrying enough as it is.

It appears from your post that this all happened quite a long time ago? I would suggest that it would be a good idea for your DH to get some counselling to help him work through all this and sort out his feelings about his family, and help him work through his anger and grief? He's clearly (and absolutely understandably) still traumatised by what happened and therapy might help him more clearly see what he wants to do.

You sound very caring, and it might make it easier for you to know how to support him best, if he does do that and it becomes clear to him what he really wants to do.

In the meantime, No - I wouldn't invite them to this special event. Tough if people think it's your fault. You both know the truth, which is all that matters. Some people have terrible family members and going no contact is the only way to look after one's mental health and we'll being.

I can’t see how your dh would want anything to do with them given they have put him and his family at such risk. He needs to be positive they can’t do anything like it again… I could not have anything to do with them at all as they are criminals who have hurt my family.

Why don’t you both take the advice of a solicitor? I know you don’t want to involve the police but I think they should be made to pay back this money. I wouldn’t be surprised that they might do this again to someone else They sound like horrible dishonest people who shouldn’t be allowed to get away with this.