Yet another in laws one

100pc this. My DB and kids came to visit over Xmas and they equally don't like the use of screens. But my house is not toddler proof at all, plus I have cats. So the kids watched a bit more TV than normal and we had an adult with the kids at all times even if the kids were only in the next room.
So I think you were both being unreasonable here. MiL shouldn't have shouted like that but you need to adjust parenting to the circumstances and the circumstances were not conducive to allow kids to play undersupervised

Yes really..is it that hard to say to the children you need to stay downstairs? Could they not have suggested a board game to play (snakes and ladders is pretty easy for all to enjoy).

I don't understand why seeing the grandparents always becomes a dump the children on them for them to supervise and then moan about when they don't want to do that. As a parent I take things with me. I remember lugging a big bag of stuff around when mine were little to keep them occupied.

Either of the parents at any point could have said about going out for a walk. Surely the in laws have internet or these days you can use your own data to look up playparks or activities in the area. It's no wonder the kids are causing mayhem as the OP herself said they were bored - it seems bizarre that both mum and dad just ignored this though and didn't do anything about it.

This is your husbands situation to deal with.

They’re his parents and he should be the one having a word with them about how if they want you to all come and visit they need to understand that children are children. They get bored, they need entertainment and they want to run around.

Exactly, if you’ve got your son and dil visiting with young children.

Wouldn’t you put your ornaments and breakables out of the way? Get some charity shop toys in, arrange a few things to do, put some kids films on the TV?

Make your guests welcome? Unless they believe that children should be seen and not heard.

@namechange215555

You can see from some of these selfish and brutal replies what the mind set of your in laws may be.
In which case do not visit and I certainly wouldnt allow my DC there without me

Did they invite you to stay? If so, they should at least make an effort to have something in to entertain the grandchildren. It us very hard to visit family with two bored young children in a non child friendly house.
Perhaps going forward, they can visit you instead.

@Moonnstarz really ?
What's the point of visiting then ?
That's asking a hell of a lot from the parents who can just stay at home and be safe and content ?why on earth should they visit.

My goodness is it to hard for these in laws or anyone to relaise op is in the thick of it with two small DC and may like a hand ?? If op is running around after the DC with neither fil or mil helping what's the point of being there ??

Unless i didn't want them to visit id never treat future gc like this.
Removing some precious items ,getting toys in from charity shops and some activies etc is no hardship.

I personally would not even put myself in this situation.

I would not be staying at someone’s house with two young kids, away from all of the children’s home comforts. Especially when, as you say, the house is not child friendly. It sounds like hell.

The grandparents should not be screaming and shouting at the children. Any loving grandparents would help and play with the children, do they even want you all there?

Your husband sounds like an absolute drip, typical man who can’t put his family first.

No, the children shouldn’t have been upstairs unsupervised but the whole visit sounds shit and quite frankly I wouldn’t be going again.

At an appropriate moment :
It's been quite hard on the children being here as they are so young and obviously you both have been stressed about them running around.
Is there anything we can do collectively to make the next visit smoother ?

See what they say ...do they blame you /DH poor parenting ? Badly behaved DC...go from there and at some point gently impressed upon them ....because I can't have my children shouted at like that again.
There has to be give and take what have you donw to prepare for two small DC ?

The result maybe that they won't want to have you visit....which maybe a win !?

Or it may involve parents parenting the children rather than letting them run wild

@namechange215555 , to recap your very young children were playing unsupervised upstairs out of your sight in a home other than your own which you know is full of breakable, expensive things? Neither you or your husband thought this might result in damage to your hosts home? Or cared?
My guess is that your laissez faire attitude has resulted in continued stress for your in laws during your stay and while I would never suggest shouting is an effective form of communication for any situation I think they probably snapped. The bottom line is that if you abdicate responsibility for parenting your children you should not be either surprised nor put out if someone does it for you.

I suggest a proper talk between the 4. adults when the children are not around, online if necessary. Say that you don't want the shouting to happen again and want a plan for avoiding it in future. This may mean shorter meetings or not meeting in MILs home, or one of the adults always supervising to avoid accidents.

If you were downstairs and the children upstairs with a stairgate in place (before it fell down) who was supervising? A 2 year old should be in sight or very close by at all times. A 5 year old also needs an adult actively checking what they are doing.

The grandparents shouldn't have shouted but it sounds like they are stressed by the children running around the house.

How did the stairgate fall down? Did one of the children cause it to fall? If so that could have been very dangerous.

I can't imagine leaving a 2 and 5 year old to entertain themselves in a strange house which you've said yourself is not child friendly.

Let it go - you were both in the wrong. Don’t stay there again whilst the kids are young .

So you’ve locked your children in an unsuitable house where they can’t run or play, they don’t have toys, they don’t have any outlet and you won’t even let them have the iPad? Come on now. Limiting screens is one thing but you’ve created some kind of toddler hellscape here. Of course they’re climbing the walls. Just let them watch cartoons/play games for 3 days out the year FFS.

YANBU they shouldn’t have shouted and lost control like that. It’s not on, hopefully they feel bad.

YABU to limit screen time for a 3 day trip you knew was tricky with no entertainment for the little ones. 2yr olds can’t be left alone in unsafe homes, why did you think that was ok? They could fall down the stairs, climb something dangerous, fall off a bed. I think you should have saved adult conversation time for when they were on screens. Off screen, one of the 4 adults should be actively watching them, or go for a walk or day trip all together.

This was our approach when visiting family over Christmas. Grandparents are great but only have so much energy so we let DS watch/play stuff in-between sessions of football in the garden/board games and so on.

However it doesn't sound like the best environment for them until they are older. Can you stay nearby next time?

Its unrealistic and unhelpful to children to 'child proof' every environment, you need to parent

Yes they shouted, but shouting is less harmful than one of them coming to harm which is possibly what they were worried about after hearing a crash. They wouldnt know what the crash was so were probably heightened even after seeing what caused it

Im interested in why the focus is on 2 people who are not bringing the children up and how they seem mainly at fault, when if this thread was the other way round with someone posting that the parent didnt seem to be 'parenting' the child there wouldnt be recommendations for not having the children visit again or going low contact etc

If we accept OP that you should have done better but lesson learned and no big deal then the same applies to the parents in law.

You let your kids run around unsupervised upstairs in a strange house ? You let your kids become destructive because you let them get bored ? I suspect this was the thin end of the wedge for your in laws

Hmm not sure over the extent of the extreme screaming but I have certainly shouted at my own children if they have been running around upstairs causing things to fall over. It's not ok to do that (I don't like it in my own home so wouldn't be letting them run wild in someone else's house, especially knowing they have breakables) plus also depending on the house we live in a semi detached so I always think the neighbours must hear some noise too if they are running about.
I expect the in laws were hoping you would stop them running around and intervene before it reached this point. You mention they were upstairs playing games...at their ages I wouldn't have left them to do that unsupervised - not only could they have broken something they could also have hurt themselves/eachother going from room to room if they were shutting doors and caught someone's finger in it.
I think you needed to plan the visit better - when we go to the in laws we stay in a hotel, I look for activities we can do in the area to get the kids out the house and run around. I also think as someone else put, if you knew all the adults wanted to sit around and chat then screen time would have been fine.

Why should they? As soon as your kids are out of this age you move past this stage and designing your house like that (to be honest I am not sure our house was ever suitable for a 2 year old to be left unsupervised on a separate floor). Our child is a teenager and if I had 2 small children in my house that were going to be left on a separate floor I wouldn’t know where to start making it toddler proof, I think it would be near impossible.

Your job is to protect ur children - they were shouted at it was out of order. Your DH should have put a word in thats why you have this odd in between space of whether u should or not say anything. So you say nothing now but say everything with how you allow ur children to interact with these people going forward. Certainly from now on they don’t visit without ur ok and/or ur supervision. You actually need a very serious discussion with ur OH about whether he is capable of protecting his children from further inappropriate intervention by his dad and SM. If he is unable to do that then OP you have to keep ur children away. Or he has to understand that if it ever happens again - and it will - that you will intervene and u expect his backing. Sorry you had this.

Give them the benefit of the doubt, did they know what the crash was? It all sounds like a boiling point situation with FIL reaching the end of his tether. At 5&2 they aren't really old enough to be left alone running around someone else's house.

I wouldn't stay there again. They obviously don't enjoy the company of your children and step-MIL's reaction to a stair gate falling over was extreme. I don't think that children should be shouted at like that particularly as nothing was broken and nobody was hurt.

If your MIL is lovely and good with the children, concentrate your efforts on her in terms of visits and relationships with your children.