I Hate Living Alone

This is so true. I have been widowed for 7 years and it took years to reach this phase.
i was frightened to be alone, joined lots of things. But coming home to an empty house made me feel worse.
I now enjoy some little routines at home……..having special dinners in front of my favourite tv programmes , exercise classes on YouTube, sorting cupboards one shelf at a time .
You will get there. Xxxx

I do "get it". I'm not trying to deny that she technically doesn't live alone. If you can't get why nit picking and offering no other advice is unhelpful, then I have to wonder too 🤷‍♀️.

The title of the thread is plain enough.
If you can't get that saying you live alone when you manifestly don't then I have to wonder.

I think living alone is a learned process and doesn't come naturally to anyone (even solitary types like me). And you are having to do that while grieving the end of your marriage - it's going to take some time for you to get your bearings. In the meantime, don't go to the pub on your own - that's just punishing yourself. Suggest you focus on building up your network of single friends so you have lots of option for someone to do things with.

It's a relevant fact that was in the OP. There was no need for the first poster to be nit picky.

CaragianettE · Yesterday 21:46
No-one is attempting to undercut the OP, obviously adjusting to living without an adult partner and co-parent in the house when you’ve been used to one is really hard, but it’s absolutely right to say that living with children in the house is not the same as living completely alone. Perhaps you need to have experienced living completely alone to understand the difference.

I have experienced it. It was still a pointless, unhelpful comment that added nothing to the thread.

I've done both and it's entirely pertinent. Actually, my own experience is by the by - @CaragianettE is pointing out a salient fact. However sad the OP is, she does not live alone. The presence of the child mitigates what she might do to ease her loneliness, so it's relevant.

I have experienced it. It was still a pointless, unhelpful comment that added nothing to the thread.

Would getting a lodger be helpful if you have a spare room?

I completely sympathise with your situation. I too split up with by husband in July and now it is just me and DS 5 nights a week. He’s autistic and non verbal and it can be quiet and lonely. I really miss chatting to “D”H about our day and about DS. I miss us having food together and watching films in the evening. It is hard. I’ve got my routine and when DS is in bed I come downstairs, cook a nice tea, watch something on TV and transfer to my bed, watch more TV and eat ice cream in bed (because I can 🤣)
After work is when DS is with his Dad so I have a long bath (I can’t have baths with DS around) I have a glass of wine, listen to podcasts, I put music on and sit and sketch in the living room for an hour or so. I have nice food, text my friends then TV and ice cream in bed 🍦

I do gardening, writing, sketching, painting, baking and luckily I do enjoy my own company but it is a big adjustment to busy family life. I try to always have stuff to look forward to, I am also making my home as comfortable and cosy as possible especially my bedroom, it’s my sanctuary with books, a comfy bed, a kettle (!) and a big TV. No snoring man and no crusty underpants and no farts in bed (except when I fart 🤣)

Give yourself time to adjust. It’s hard and your mind will automatically want to return to what is familiar 💕

No-one is attempting to undercut the OP, obviously adjusting to living without an adult partner and co-parent in the house when you’ve been used to one is really hard, but it’s absolutely right to say that living with children in the house is not the same as living completely alone. Perhaps you need to have experienced living completely alone to understand the difference.

I totally understand how you feel OP, my dh left when my dc were 8 and 10, my youngest dc is severely autistic and at the time was non verbal, eldest high functioning autism. Despite having dc at home it was extremely lonely to begin with. I tried hard to reconnect with old friends but obviously have 2 dc it was hard to go out and socialise. When my dc went to their dads I would just sit and wait for their return.

It did get easier and eventually I found new friends, got new hobbies and the dc got older. The first 6 months to a year were the hardest. I missed just having another adult in the house, being able to talk about my day or discus the dc. It takes a while to get used to your own company, to find things to fill the gaps, but it does get easier I promise.

What an idiotic comment to such a heartfelt post.

I've lived alone for years so don't mind that, I just miss work colleagues or those close sort of friendships others seem to have but I lack. Living alone, I'd be embarrassed to have somebody round as the place is a tip!

Are there any charities you could volunteer for when your DC is with your ex? It’s sociable, worthwhile and increases your network of contacts where you may make new friends. Also going to the gym? Or a hobby group locally ? You are grieving the loss of your old life and your imagined future but you will adjust. Just be kind to yourself as it takes time.

Check out ambiguous grief, where there is a loss but no conclusion such as a funeral where there is loss is equally shared/experienced. Refers to divorce, family estrangement. The principle is the person gives themselves time to come to terms with the loss and life upheaval. Hold your nerve @Beelineshmeeline you will adjust. Humans have been wired to do this.

@Beelineshmeeline you get used to it. Sorry.

I do understand this, I work alone, live alone & my family do not make that much effort. I know that I need a new job to see more people however that isn't always the case either. (Left my job once to go with in a well known supermarket who banned staff from speaking as talking wasted time!)
It is very lonely
To try to stop going quite mad?
On the days when DC is at dad's try to pick up a hobby, exercise classes or boardgames groups...granted I do that& there's little conversation there either. Go to the cinema, join a club any club.
Don't go to the bloody pub! I used to so that when I was 18, I was the weird oddball that sat in the corner Billy no mates it was awful.
I've few bits of advice, right now it's zero degrees so there's not a whole lot of places anybody wants to go but once spring comes try to get out and go for a walk, join groups, try out new things.
Making friends is hard. I guess you have friends but they don't stay full time. You will adjust in time. I've always lived alone (spent 2 years with my brother but we were passing ships in the night).
Anyway I will stop rambling on

I think you should join a nice gym and go to swim or sauna on your nights ofd

And get a cat!

Would you consider taking in a lodger? Adult DS has his own flat and has a lodger. He offers a very good rate which means he gets a lot of applicants and can choose someone he gets on well with. His last two have been great - a lovely ambulance man and a man who works in the West End and gives DS free tickets. They have all become friends. You can specify age and sex, and maybe look for a woman who is at a similar life stage to you.

You could also create a self-development plan for the days DS is at his dad's. Find a really interesting adult ed class and a good fitness class, and book to meet with a friend afterwards, then you will be tired enough to just want a shower and bed when you get home. Use the quiet mornings for journalling and meditation. It's so lovely to get used to being alone and enjoying your own company, once you get over the initial change.

I live alone very much by choice and have done most of my adult life, but tiny things I do which I think might help you a little bit:

• lights at least downstairs on smart plugs so they can either come on before you get in, or I tell my watch to switch them on as I unlock the front door. So much nicer not getting in to the dark.

• heated throw for sofa and heated under blanket for bed - more luxurious and comforting than I expected

• Giant squishmallow for hugging harder than I can hug the cats, if I need to

• when I had a 9-5 job I timed heating to come on just before I got in in winter, so house was not dark and cold. I'm now self employed and have zero routine but house is usually warmer than my studio so kind of has the same effect!

• wireless earbuds so I can listen to whatever I want, at any daft time of the day or night, without disturbing my neighbour through our connecting and not very thick walls. Sometimes I like silence, sometimes I want music, and sometimes I just want to hear voices so stick a podcast on.

I'm not much help otherwise because I hate sharing my space & life, but I have found these little things make living by myself much nicer so I hope they help a bit 💙

I’ve been a single parent for years and it does get easier. Always have the radio on too and try and get out of the house at least once a day.

As someone who's lived alone for over 20 years, I love that.

ETA I initially ran away from it - a lot of socialising and holidays. I'm happy by myself now, but the grieving takes time.

I hate living alone too.

I am sorry you're facing this, as others have said, it will get better but it does take some time. I found when I was abandoned in a similar way that changing my routine in very small ways made a significant difference.

The DH who left me and I had had cups of tea together for years and years, so I swapped to making fresh coffee every morning for myself. It was a small change but it marked a new version of life. I did this in other ways as well. It doesn't have to break the bank or be earth shattering.

I also agree it is grief and part of coming to terms with that is acknowledging the pain you feel and how it may stay, even as a remnant, forever. Acceptance of circumstances is key.